1 In the begging

Belladonna's (Sarah's) view:

So here I lay once more in a cracked, bitter, and molded cell meant for rogues. Yet here I am a pack member with a twisted ankle from the fall down the stairs. My ribs crushed from one to many blows while my face is demolished to an unknown state. Another day another injury for the smallest of offenses. today the offense that landed me in this hellish cell was dropping a plate of little value. What held no value in my eyes or the packs prior seemed priceless as it shattered along the freshly polished kitchen floor. The one who witnessed the moment of fault was a sibling that long since rejected me, she wasted no time in gathering the alpha and telling the whole pack of my incompetents.

Long ago I made a simple choice not to speak or fight but to listen and learn what they wanted from the subtle clues of their body language. This decision was gradual and all-consuming as speaking equaled punishment. What I had to do to survive became clear but the habit took longer to quick in. Clearly not the best at it but every experience is one to learn from. Tonight will be spent like many others painfully and alone, laying here battered as the little will left is spent clinging to life and hope. What am I even hoping for? What am I even surviving for? The nagging questions inside burned away at me day after day like hits from the inside that hurt almost worse than those I felt outside of my mind. Those that are one with me heal me slowly draining the little energy we'd reserved. taking the pain as fuel the night as another lesson and this predicament as another step away from sanity. The greatest thing I fear is not the rejection that I'm certain will occur but the complete and utter loss of my mind.

Laying in wait for someone to come and kill me, torment me, or beat me was all that kept my eyes open and my mind working. Safety was an illusion that I know doesn't exist. This wasn't my first time in a cell but every time I entered it I prayed to the moon it wouldn't be my last and as such, I waited for my brother, the beta, or whoever is sent to gather me from this predicament. Silence is what blessed my ears and overall senses aside from the trickling of water from leaky pipes and the occasional squeak from the mouse that wanders the halls. The simplicity this place offered was the only benefit of the ordeal. Embracing every second knowing it is precious and limited and that time can change anything for the better or worse.

The negative side of the silence was the silence itself as my mind grew louder and louder and thoughts run rampant of who I was versus who I am battle inside. I wasn't always the thing below a runt. Hell before becoming this state of being I never knew there was such a state of being lower than a runt. In packs, omegas are the lowest beings yet my pack hates that word and replaced it with runt. Other clans embrace their omegas and seek to care for them as to most that are strong caring for the weaker ones is the sign that they made it. I should know as compared to others I embraced the "runts" but that was before I became one even lower than them and in turn was abandoned as if I had never existed. I say I should know cause once I was a warrior's daughter as well as the teacher's joy with friends all over the pack. Then it changed in one fleeting moment as a fight broke out and the ones I called mother and father laid dead at my feet as the hackles of the rouges embedded into my memory. When we were found I was shuddering and later found out I had entered shock. Three weeks was all it to took for everything I knew to change for eternity.

when the bodies were found they also found a few rouges that my parents managed to handle before their lives were forfeited. Though young I was in training to be like them strong and brave, yet I froze. Though I was alive and a bit battered the stars of the pack were gone and the pain was worse for everyone but me as I was told I couldn't mourn what I had lost as it had been my own fault they had passed. When the pack found out of my lack of action the criticism rolled in and those who were called siblings wasted no time fleeing from my side to the side of the pack. They were taken in by the beta and his wife and found comfort and solace of the others but not I. Soon enough I blamed myself much as those in the pack did and nothing they said was worse than what my own mind said about me. The fall from a high-ranked individual to scum was just the first I faced and soon my mind fell as well allowing for doubt and hatred to creep inside and make a cozy little home. All that was left was a husk of the bubbly girl that once inhabited my body. The biggest question that bubbled beneath it all was am I really their daughter? Whispers over-heard from others and some clear differences in appearances wiggled enough doubt to make it a permanent fear.

I remember my first shift a couple of years back was in the woods by the stream alone so none would now. I feared their reaction and the possibility that my life would become worse. I remember the sheer agony that came with it and the struggle that each step brought yet I had to be alone for it. I refused to show my wolf to those who rejected me or maybe the reason is due to something deeper aside from the fear. Blackness filled my vision and left me unconscious for two days in the same spot my parents were found deceased. I wound up in the dungeons for two weeks with a broken collarbone. The shifts that followed that night and over a month period gladly took the beatings when I refused to answer the simple question of where I had run off to. They begged me to due something but alas I refused and blamed my lack of nutrition and physical stature. it was but a lie.

I believe that I gave up emotions long ago knowing deep inside it couldn't change anything. Having emotions only made things worse in the end. The process of losing emotions was all too predictable and yet being emotionless was as hard as one would imagine when inside it already felt hallow but something twisted was growing a pit of defining anger and self-loathing that was all-consuming. Some days breathing a single breath was something that needed a reminder. Faking the tears and croaky screams were far too easy and the truth was that the ability to do it formed after months of true suffering. I found a way to hide in my mind during the beatings that fell in line with torture depending on who was left to deliver the "deserved" punishment. The trick was a blessing in disguise one that after a bit I learned to cherish no matter the downsides. I Hate emotions but as much as I wish to be permanently free of them I can't be, no one can till the soul is gone and unfortunately, that means doing something I wasn't ready for.

When the truth of who I was meant to become came to my knowledge the only thing that seemed reasonable was deniability that the task wasn't suited for someone like me. Suddenly the knowledge that I had the power to escape this unbarred prison felt surreal. The turmoil inside grew from a steady stream to raging rapids this person of unity and power couldn't be me. NO, I deserved all that was happening. The pain was all too familiar it was all that made sense. Once you hit a certain point that the pain becomes familiar you embrace it with every ounce of being. After a year and a half or maybe it was two, the pain was a friend..NO.. it was...it is a drug more potent and pure no other drug could match its properties. No true screams or drippy eyes would come true from the act meant as pain but as a sedation a true elation. It was a pleasant experience as I knew it was what I deserved. This pain is my defining factor, not this unplanned power.

Jarred from my memories from a low whistle and soon a mixture of thumping came my way. Moments later Alpha King stood at my cell bars with my brother and the pack doctor. The doctor stood silent and solemn as usual while my brother chuckled with a signature devilish smirk. My eyes darted from each man unsure what was occurring as the alpha never came down to the cells let alone talked to me. He made it clear I was beneath him in every form. From the looks on their faces, it wasn't good and made me curl deeper into the corner.

When he squatted down with a sigh I was drawn in, his hazel eyes shined on me. Though mentally I knew what was coming I wasn't prepared no matter how hard I wished to believe I was. Inside I have been dreading this for weeks ever since Seeing him leave his father's office a day after my final shift. I knew it wouldn't work but once he shifted three weeks later it was cemented the minute he eyed me and grabbed my sister and pulled her into his soon-to-be office to procreate. The pain I experienced was a new level but I adjusted rather quickly as it grew to be a new normal. The huskiness of his voice rattled me to the core so much so the realization that he was addressing me took a bit to process. " Sarah, Sarah, Sarah my dear useless match. Not a wolf nor a warrior just a weakling used as a release of some form for everyone in the pack. I would apologize but it wouldn't be sincere" Laughter from him and my brother rattled the space around us." I would continue but let's get back on the topic at hand. Do you know why I'm here? see I believe you do and this game of back and forth was fun for a bit. Did you know your smell is a mix of intoxicating torture that can't truly be explained? Like death paired with fresh snow yet other times it like the earth after a fresh rain. My wolf calls to you begging me to claim you, yet we both know I never will. See you being this well weak and pathetic are only a few reasons for grounds of dismissal. Only if your qualities fell in line with beauty, intelligence, strength, or any form of leadership qualities Id consider you. You are you and this cycle that goes on day in and day out is over. So my darling not dead yet mate I have a few final words to speak before I go and claim a woman deserving of the title luna. I'm positive you know who I am referring to so let's end this overrated charade." His eyes narrowed as they bore into me "I alpha of the Blue Moon Pack reject you, Sarah Black, as the future luna and I formerly disband you from this pack and brand you a traitor of this pack and as such a sentence of death shall be carried out. Death will be handled by the doc who make your death as painful and numbing as medically possible. When you die remember one thing. It was and has always been all your fault for then, now, and for everything." his eyes bore into mine with a hatred I knew not was possible and the sneer on the lips that I still undignifiedley wanted was seared into my memory. His look of raw hatred and underlying pleasure at what just took place was suffocating but I wouldn't just take it not after everything. Suddenly this felt like the one thing I needed all along to snap my mind.

My reaction? A mere gasp that turned that devious sneer into a smirk. Regaining his full six-foot height he turned sharply on his heel to leave but my next action halted him and earned a sharp intake of air from the others in the room. A small chuckle that was gruff and barely audible to a human ear. Desperately scuffing with my own body as I forced the broken shell to move as I clawed my way closer to the bars of the lousy cell holding me. Suddenly a dam was released and the reality of the truth of who I was and what I was meant to be crashed onto me and how I had failed it before ever trying. This place was just that a place that wasn't for me and I had to try if it wasn't too late and to start I needed to make a stand. Pathetic or not I had to try. Finding my voice that produced scratching sounds but managed to form the few words I felt had to be said after a few tough moments. Testing the voice that had gone unused for years placed a small trance on the current moment as if we all waited for what was to come. The only thoughts toward him and the pack that has been my prison were relatively simple yet weightlessly heavy. "I..I...I have known for weeks or has it been longer? I mean we were meant to be but yet I still remained silent and allowed you to play games with the whores of your disgraceful pack particularly a relative of mine who spreads the legs way too easy. Do you know why? Hmmm. I'm not what you imagined or desired as, your not what I dreamt of yet I would have accepted as it is what the moon choose. Clearly, the moon means more to me as does tradition than it does to you. Long story short I couldn't care less about this rejection but those within me do and in that yes I am a wolf just didn't think it was important to correct that fact till well now. Cut to the chase?" I watched as shock and anger crossed all faces except for the doc who kept the secret for his own personal gain. "ok will do, I Sarah Black Accept and cut all bonds and connections to Blue Moon Pack never to be Luna or Ms. King. Last words? sure I believe I'm entitled, don't you? Simple ready, this is by far the most foolish thing you could have done but no worry I wish you all the best. Grudges are idiotic aren't they darling Ex-Alphaaa." I dared to meet his eyes with a devilish smirk all my own. " Kill me or free me, I care not as, either way, I will come back and make you eat the words you spoke tonight! HAHAHAHAHAHAH" my words slowly came out smoother as my cords grew accustomed to the use yet, my chuckle seemed to the worst of it as his whole posture shifted and his look resembled the others at hearing me speak.

His eyes held surprise but yet his voice never quaked as the snapping of our bond shook us both to the bone. He watched me till it snapped expecting a reaction that I refused to show. Summing the doctor closer he whispered but just enough that I am able to process a few of his words. " Take her to the edge of the territory where the border meets the river then fill her veins with silver and wolfsbane Violet the new strand you concocted. Once you are done with the injections toss her soon to be corpse into the river. Oh, and doc don't forget to burn her marking of this pack to signify the rejection." nodding along he turned and spoke to the one who was supposedly my blood. Once King was gone the atmosphere was different it was no longer just somber but thicker in a sense. The impending doom that was directed toward me wasn't completely clicking into place.

Locks clicked and my frail body was too slow to move, so my hair was yanked and used as a handle as my brother dragged me out and down the hall, up a few stairs, and into the night. The wind howled with its own wicked intent, yet caressed my deformed figure. The sting of my scalp receded as I was thrown over a shoulder. Those inside battled trying to be free and escape what was to come, I wanted them to be free and not be chained to me the unworthiest of unworthy. The sudden desire to live and fight was overwhelming my mind, likely as a repayment to the strength provided to me by them over these last few years. Feet from the river I was tossed down earning a crack from my only normal arm as my landing was less than ideal and proceeded to snap my shoulder out of place. Groaning was my only response as my skin ached as those insides fought to shift, take control, and flee but being so broken and so weak a shift of any kind would kill me and them instantly. The little remaining strength was used to force them back and hold my ground to the very end.

The blue-eyed doctor wasted no time then again he was always a man of conviction and complete dedication to his work. crouched next to me opening his case with no hesitation or signs of remorse he prepared the syringes with liquids known and unknown. I watched as my brothers shifted feet watching the background as if we were being watched. Gasping filled the air as all attention suddenly fell onto my arm where he was injecting my already weakened body. The strength I was using to remain human was now spent on not blacking out. Fire filled my veins with a pain that hadn't occurred in years at least, not to this degree of severity. The feeling of the silver-tipped syringe stung as the final injection washed over me leaving a feeling of coldness. Suddenly the line about the pain and the numbness aspect of my death made more sense. Despair overtook my body as any fight I had faded faster than it appeared. The doctor sighed with pity " Pity you were a hearty experiment sad to see it end too soon" as he walked away I smelled the smoke a newly lit smoke as he nodded to my brother who chuckled holding an iron that was freshly plucked from the forge one I forgot existed till now. I guess he had left to head to the workshop a half a mile away without me noticing. My eyes were glued to the iron rod, guess this is the extra painful part.

The look my brother had would never be forgotten like he had been awaiting this day and he was finally getting what he had always desired. The rage was clear from the minute he first spoke " shame you get to die so easy when My parents died so painfully and so slowly to protect the likes of you!" His words built as the branding iron seared into my arm the pain was un-fazing compared to the injections. The sanity that was like an unwinding rope was slipping closet to oblivion as sounds and overall sense dulled and overly sharpened at record time over and over. He stood screaming hit after hit coming from his fist or was it the poker? I was in too much pain to figure it out yet I was also overwhelmingly numb.

weak that's the only thing I could think over and over.

I wanted to apologize nigh, I had to apologize.

"I'm sorry everyone, I meant not to fail you all." the internal monologue was all too brief. The effects were nonexistent I was as closed off to them as they were to me.

The atmosphere took a turn suddenly as soon my body was hovering as he sighed in an exhausted huff. His eyes met mine one last time before I was tossed the short distance into the raging rapids. Surprisingly he spoke again just before I hit the water and his last words were as soft and hard to hear but were the final stab to the heart "stop fighting your fate and die already can't you see what you are to me and to the others? A sorry excuse for a sibling, packmate, and the unworthiest daughter my parents could have. I regret one thing that I didn't out you as an orphan from the border when I had the opportunity. " The realization broke the final strand of sanity I had as the cold consumed and shocked my entire being. my last thought wasn't weakness or the overarching pain as it had been not so long ago but that finally, I would now peace.