36 mind in chaos

Diary.. My mind is in chaos.

Everything is just taking its toll on me again. I don't know what to do at this point, diary. I know that it probably sounds stupid and ridiculous of me to still be affected by all this when I've been experiencing it for years now. I know I shouldn't be fazed by it anymore but it's just so hard for me. And not only is it being hard for me but to the people around me as well. The doctors, the nurses, even Renjun. All because of one small mistake.. All because of the thoughts flooding my mind that day, they had to cancel plans and reschedule it. I know how hard it could be for them to reschedule another session. After all, I'm not the only patient in this place. I'm not the only one needing and requiring treatments and therapy. They'll have a hard time looking for a vacant spot and time for me to take the therapy all over again. I hate the idea of burdening other people because of my own problems. I hate it. If I could only do things by my own, I wouldn't even think twice doing it. It's just that, relying on others make me feel so weak. So incapable and useless as a human being. I know asking help and favors shouldn't feel like that but feeling that way is inevitable when you've been relying on others for help for more than two years now, you know? I'm over-thinking again. Sigh. This isn't good. But I can't help it. It's not easy to just shoo the feeling away. I need to let this out somewhere in hopes of making me feel a bit more lighter and better about myself and about the things that has been happening lately. I refuse to let this out on Renjun. Ah.. Injun. That boy carries his own set of load and baggage already and I wouldn't want to add up to it. I don't like seeing him having a hard time. Especially if it's because of me. It makes me feel bad and guilty about myself. Like I shouldn't have spoken a word in the first place. I don't want to talk about it with the nurses and doctors, either.. They'll tell my parents. I don't want them to think that I'm that desperate for their attention. No.

I still have to go see Jeno, too.. I can't ditch him. I promised him. Agh. I could only hope that I'll be able to feign everything and make him believe that I'm fine. I don't want to make another soul worry about me.

Signed, Na Jaemin.