13 genuine

Renjun paid me a visit today with a new set of flowers, neatly decorated in a bouquet. The flowers were really vibrant and colorful and they actually brightened up my room! My room looks a bit livelier now. I am quite satisfied, I must say.

I told him he didn't need to buy me flowers but he'd always give me the answer. How Chenle, the son of the one who owns the flower shop is actually the one insisting to give me flowers. Since he barely has time to pay me a visit. Chenle is a year younger than Renjun and I, but he already grown a huge fascination for flowers at such a young age, and I wouldn't be surprised considering both his parents are florists. According to what Renjun told me before, Chenle would watch his parents decorate and use the scrap flowers to decorate his own. His parents found it adorable and they started teaching the boy how to decorate flowers properly. Though, there's no such thing as properly decorating flowers since it's a form of expression and expression of oneself through various things require no steps. Renjun introduced him to me back then, and despite the given short amount of time, Chenle and I became close friends. The boy felt a lot like a little brother to me. He is just so precious! It saddens me that I am unable to meet Chenle in person, but helping at the flower shop and studying is no joke. The fact that Chenle would decorate all the bouquets Renjun would give to me is enough. It's a very sweet and endearing gesture. Hmm. My friends are too kind, don't you think? I clearly don't deserve them. I just, don't. I don't think I ever did much for them, too. And meanwhile, there they are. Doing all sorts of things for me. Honestly, I cannot stress enough how grateful and thankful I am to have friends like them. But you know, the feeling and the idea of how they deserve someone better to be their friend instead of me? I constantly feel it. I am no one special, I do not deserve this.

The people around this place thinks I'm okay and happy despite all the things happening, excluding Renjun, though. Well, I am. But there would be nights where I just feel so helpless, worthless, and useless.

I don't think there's anything wrong about feeling lonely. I'm a human, after all. Humans were made to feel all kinds of emotions, and sadness is one of them.

Just because someone seems happy outside doesn't mean they are genuinely happy, no?

I think it's amusing, and quite sad when you think about it.

How we manage to conceal and pretend about what we feel, even to ourselves.

Signed, Jaemin.