22 choice

I received my results earlier today.

Like I have expected, my condition only got worse. I'm not getting better. I don't think I can even improve at this state anymore. I really thought the medications would be enough to cure me, or at least make me better. But it didn't. The effects of the medicine were only temporary. They only last for a few hours. Doctor Jung said I should stop refusing now. I don't have a choice anymore, do I? I'm hesitant. Will this therapy really help?

I miss my parents. I wonder if they miss me, too. Is it too much for their child to ask his parents to visit him? Well, maybe it is. It's been so long since the last time I was outside. I don't even know what kind of work they are doing now. I think it's sad how they used to visit me daily, until those turned to a few days, to once or twice per month, to nothing at all. But I cannot really complain. That's how life is.

Everyone is too busy to check on others. Including those whom they use to treasure and love so dearly.

The only thing I can do right now is try my best not to worry about those things, I guess. Nothing good will come out if I keep on thinking negatively, right? Thinking of negative thoughts might make my condition worse, and I don't want that! I want to be happy. Yes, I want to be happy.

Is happiness a choice? I do not know. But I am certain that I want to be happy. I want to be the way I used to be before all of this happened. My words are contradicting now, aren't they? Heh. My mind is still a mess. I'm sorry you have to witness all of this, diary. But you're the only one I have right now.

This took me so long, but maybe now is the time that I accept myself for who and what I am.

I'd rather spend the rest of my life being happy, rather than feeling sad and gloomy for the things that didn't go as I planned, for the things that happened that made me feel like I was riding a roller-coaster ride. I have big plans for myself. I may not be able to achieve them, but I can try, right?

The weather is getting colder as each day passes. I was so close to shaking due to the cold earlier! Thankfully, I didn't freeze from the cold. I'm contemplating whether I should send Renjun a text message or not. I haven't been using my phone since I don't seem to find a reason why I should use it. Heh.

Signed, Na Jaemin.