There Must Be Some Mistake

"Where the hell did it all go so wrong?" I questioned myself silently. This couldn't be real. Yet, there I was, dressed in grippy socks and a hospital gown, staring into that shiny piece of metal on my wall that the nurse had called my "mirror."

I remembered the night before so clearly. I remembered the conversations, arguments, betrayals, fighting, and finally resigning to my fate. But, now that I had arrived at this place all the memories melted into a blur and my understanding was totally lost. All I understood was that I didn't belong here. I knew I needed an escape. I needed to get out and the only one I could count on to help me reach that goal was me.

You see, I had majorly fucked up. I was fourteen, a freshman at my high school and the place I found myself in was the psychiatric ward of a hospital. Previous to this, I was an absolute star. Not many knew of my diagnosis of mental illness. I was quiet, obedient, calm, and always made sure to go above and beyond what was asked of me. I knew that I, or that version of Emmy Margot Holland that I had pretended to be my entire life, had died last night the minute I admitted wanting to attempt suicide and my mother brought me to the emergency room.

The evening before as I left my father was shoveling snow and asked where we were going and very casually my mom shouted "Emmy wants to die so we're going to the hospital." Done. My father was an angry and short-tempered man. The only upside is the hospital would for a short period save me from his wrath.

I snapped out of my self pity from the night before. That fight that caused me to hurt myself and admit my suicidal ideation was over. I was stuck in a hospital ward with mostly mentally ill adults or geriatric patients. Every resource I had was taken from me. No book, television, phone, not even a strip of clothes such as underwear. They just put on a second gown to cover my naked and exposed ass. This was not going to be my reality much longer, no. I would get out.

The planning began immediately as I tricked the staff to believe I was sleeping and not to bother me all day while I came up with a strong plan of manipulation to coerce the psychiatrist to let me go. My strongest talent was and continues to be manipulation of the brain. This was my biggest challenge yet. There was no room for a single mistake. There was no doubt in my mind that I must get out of that place immediately. After all, I didn't belong there!