175 Nothing has Changed, yet...Time will only Tell

Her smile was so frail, yet it was so beautiful. As if a leaf hanging deadly at the turn of fall, she clung onto that seemingly normal countenance in hopes of tricking herself that all was well. Yet...

I approached the hospital bed she sat in and took off my coat. After leaving it on the chair that I usually sat in, I pushed over the overbed table and placed down the small decorative box containing the slices of cheesecake, her favorite dessert, that I had purchased for her prior to visiting. She kept her eye fixed on me as I conducted my actions and a small, melancholic smile was framed on her pretty face that now appeared quite frail and unlike the Luna that I was so used to prior to her hospitalization.

I paused momentarily, frowning as I was not greeted by the usual excited and joyful reaction of hers whenever I brought her cheesecakes. Due to her inaction, I took on the role of placing the slices of cheesecakes onto the styrofoam plates and handed her the plastic fork that was supplied.

"Thank you," Luna smiled in a warm and content manner that was somehow laced with a hint of a weak sadness.

I watched her with keen eyes as she reached a hand over for the fork that I had rested on her plate and grabbed it. Then, she slowly broke off a piece of the cheesecake with her fork and slowly delivered it into her mouth. There was no smile of joy that I was so used to whenever she would consume her favorite dessert. Instead, there was a smile that was made simply out of politeness as she set the fork down on the plate once again.

"Sorry," she said with that smile on her face. "I'm not really in the mood for it. You even went out of your way to get it for me..."

"It's fine," I responded, removing the plate of cheesecake from her bedside table and replacing it into the box container. Then, I placed that decorated box from the cafe, placed it back into the plastic bag, and set it down on the ground next to my seat and out of view.

A moment of silence ensued as we simply sat there with each other as company. I kept my head low as I tried to ponder over what I had accidentally heard upon arriving. The doctor had talked about surgery and her eye...

"So um," I looked up and started speaking. In response to me, Luna turned her head to look over at me, turning at a greater degree such that she could see me with her right eye. "I heard the doctor talking to you about surgery... You're..." I paused and stared into her right eye that was not covered with an eyepatch. "You're not...gonna die, right?"

What a stupid question. The answer to that question is blatantly obvious just by observing her, yet I still want to lie to myself. I still want to hold onto that slim hope, but...it's just pointless. All these lies that I'm trying to fabricate, all of the illusions, it's pointless. The reality is simple. No matter how cold and harsh it might be, it's there and easy to understand. Our time together is coming to an end in the near future.

"Of course not," she smiled. "At least not yet. The surgery's scheduled for next month, when spring befalls the world. Besides," she then said in a lonely voice that sounded quite cheerful. "Didn't I tell you I want to at least make it until summer?"

I stared at that smile on her face, acknowledging to myself that I had felt a subtle inconsistency in her words. Yet, I am unable to piece together where it exactly stemmed from. I do not know the derivation of it and it severely bothered me.

"Would you stay in the hospital for the entirety of the month leading up to the surgery?" I asked.

"I hope not," she smiled. "It would be nice to be able to spend time with everyone again..."

Her gaze was populated by a sudden sense of loneliness and melancholy, and her voice operated with a tone of a silent hopelessness. It was an uncomfortably dark feeling that I felt upon hearing what she had said and observing her sad countenance. It was as if...as if she had given up in its entirety and stopped struggling. It was as if she had accepted her fate, and that...I simply cannot accept that from the Luna that I had known. If I did, then wouldn't I be allowing the Luna that I know to be sealed away in her casket prematurely? Just the thought of that...was enough to finally push me over the edge.

"Why?" I muttered, my voice trembling and for the first time in a while, I felt a rush of emotions that led to an odd tingly feeling in my eyes as moisture developed and began blurring my vision. "Why are you speaking as if you've given up?"

Luna looked over at me with her mouth slightly open from shock. However, her figure was now obscured by the clear fluid in my eyes that had distorted the light, causing the world around me to appear extremely blurry until finally, the fluid started climbing down my cheeks.

"You're not going to die...right?" I asked once again, feeling a great sense of weakness and insecurity in my mind. My heart felt empty as it reached out towards her yet found it being shut away from her.

It was the first time in a while that I had truly cried. This continuous stream of tears...it has been quite a while since I've felt them that it almost appeared alien to me. As if it wasn't a natural reaction, yet...it was so soothing to be able to cry. It was as if the pain pent up within me finally has a way to flow out of my system, allowing me the ability to breathe and not suffer from that suffocating feeling. Yet, despite this relief, the formerly contained pain coursed through my body, forcing me to experience them all.

"Alevian..." she whispered my name. "I..."

"Promise me you won't die," I begged her, imbuing the state of pain that I was in into my voice, hoping that she would be able to understand me. "The last time we played the King's Game, I have an order that I didn't use. I'll use it now: Don't die. The King's orders are absolute, remember?"

My voice softened near the end as I realized that all of my beggings was pointless. There's no way for me to change the reality, no matter how hard I try to fool myself. It's just not happening. Yet, I still wanted to express it to her. What words can I use to express these feelings? These feelings that I had kept sealed away in the deep abyss, how can I express them to her? Why are words so difficult? Why is it so difficult to communicate one's emotions to another? Why?

"I..." She reached a hand out in my direction and placed it gently on my face, lifting it up so that I met eyes with her. Her right eye were also teary, yet there was a brave smile on her face all of a sudden.

She didn't say anything to me. Instead, her gentle hands merely touched my face as she gazed at it in an attempt to possibly burn my appearance into her memory. It was then that I realized that this gesture was her saying that she wants to remember what I looked like just in case if she loses sight in her other eye. However, maybe it was also because she, too, did not know what words to use in order to communicate her feelings. Yet, the simple touch of her hand was more than enough as a supplement. It communicated her presence, and that was all that I needed in my life.

***

We remained silent for the remainder of the visit hours, and sadly, that time soon passed by quickly. It wasn't long before the setting sun allowed the sky to darken, and the in-hospital broadcast urged visitors to leave for the night.

I picked up my coat from the chair and slowly walked over to the hospital door, still feeling somewhat reluctant to go. I stopped at the door and looked over my shoulders at the frail girl who smiled in a charming and beautiful manner that was directed towards me.

"Alevian," she said. "You still have that key I gave you?"

I brought a hand to my chest and felt through the fabric the metallic object. Then, I nodded in response.

"That's good," she nodded. "Don't lose it."

She then paused momentarily as she gazed down at the white, hospital bed with a depressed head. Yet, on her face was a content smile.

"Alevian," she said with a happy, joyful smile on her face. "Goodbye."

I nodded in response to her, and then went on my way. I felt a great sense of fatigue in my system as I walked down the hallway of the hospital toward the elevators, and felt extremely drowsy when I boarded the train home. This fatigue...it must be from crying for such a long time. But, it's also the reason why my mind felt strangely at peace now. It was as if weeping was able to soothe my mind of all the stored frustration and pain, allowing me to be slightly more optimistic.

Things will work out in the end. There's nothing that I can do to prevent her death, so...looks like the plan hasn't changed at all. I'll just keep creating lasting memories with her, make her happy as the days leading up to her eventual passing. With the limited time we have left, it'll be difficult trying to satisfy my thirst for her presence for the rest of my life. But... I must do the best that I can such that she can truly rest in peace. Besides, once she dies, maybe she'll even become a ghost and haunt me. That doesn't sound too bad... According to Noah, after death, spirits reincarnate. Maybe I'll meet her again in some other way. Life has to go on, and nothing has changed at all in what I have to do.

Later that night, I sat before my desk in my room with my phone in hand. I stared at the blinking cursor in the textbox of the messaging app, thinking of what words to type in. I've been sitting like this for hours now as I struggled to think of words that I can use to communicate my feelings to her. I had failed in the hospital room, and even though I will have another chance tomorrow, I cannot wait until then. I must get this done before I fall asleep.

What is something that can encompass my feelings for her? I repeated to myself once more in my mind.

All of a sudden, my eyes were caught by the sudden appearance of the light in the sky. Looking out the sliding glass doors, I saw that the clouds had parted, revealing the celestial object in the sky. The moon, as if a crystal made of ice, shined in the nighttime sky, granting the world with the opportunity to bask in its gentle rays. Upon seeing the moon, I suddenly recalled the wish that I had written down on the paper lanterns that were released into the sky while in Saroff.

With a smile, I began typing in that message into my phone as it encompasses the entirety of my feelings for her.

The moon shall remain eternal.

With my heart rapidly beating, I held my breath as I pressed send.

A smile appeared on my face when I saw that it was successfully delivered and had appeared in our chat history. With a relieved sigh, I walked over to my bed and collapsed on it from the fatigue that I had endured for the entirety of the day. With my phone, I switched off the lights in the room and climbed underneath my warm, bed sheets.

It was pretty late already with the time being 2:15 A.M. so I know that waiting for a reply from her is pointless. Since I am extremely tired, I decided that it was time for me to go to bed. Lucky for me, it's a Saturday the next day so I can sleep in a bit. My plans are for me to visit Luna for the entirety of tomorrow.

What should we do then? I asked myself. What is something fun that we can do that can create lasting memories?...

My eyelids became extremely heavy as the comforting warmth of my bed slowly lulled me into a drowsy state.

What game can we play tomorrow? We could...

My eyes were closed when the sound of a notification popped up on my phone. I was extremely tired and sleepy, but just the thought that it might've been a response from Luna made me exert the energy to reach over for my phone to check the notification. However, I was so tired that I fell into a state of slumber moments after reading fragments of what was displayed on the dim screen.

[Objective Completed]