170 Cycle

"Not everyone in this world is out to hurt you."

Those were the words that my dear teacher and guidance counselor had given me in regards to my whole situation. To be fair, those are truly wise words, especially for me. However, if it was just as easy as it may seem. In all honesty, I know that I'm isolating myself a bit too much. In fact, I also know that there are people out there in this world who I believe care for me. For example, there's Loriana. However, I cannot count on her in regards to this situation because I do not want to become even more of a burden to her than before. I'm simply a leech that's leeching off of her generosity with no way of repaying her...

With my back resting against the soft, cushioned backrest of the couch, my eyes was kept on the television screen. However, I wasn't watching it. Instead, I was trying to blank my mind of any ulterior thoughts and simply focused on the incident that was at hand. I must, for both my sake and Irina's sake, find a solution that would alleviate the awkwardness of our situation and repair the relationship. If I don't, things will just fall apart from here on and the relationships that I've been trying to protect by avoiding direct confrontation would simply fall apart anyway. Something must be done.

If I were to calmly look at it from the bigger picture, there are two main parts to my suffering. One of them is the one that I cannot tell anyone as it was a promise that I had made with Luna about her disease. That's the one I have to deal with on my own. Then, there's the situation with Irina. That one...well, it's not necessarily kept extremely concealed as a secret as people around us were slowly realizing that there's something amiss between us. In fact, I believe they've all realized it now, but the true reason why is the thing that they're oblivious about. The only part that I could possibly seek external aid from is the part involving Irina. However, I am reluctant to bring in anyone else as they're not involved in this rather private issue. Besides, I do not know whether or not Irina would consent to have her feelings be told to others. Therefore, in the end, it's still a dead end...

With a fatigued sigh, I closed my eyes and rubbed them with my hands. I was particularly fatigued that day. It was mainly a spiritual fatigue, but spiritual fatigues are reflected on the physical body. Therefore, this spiritual fatigue caused me physical fatigue that not even a warm bath could eradicate.

"What would you do," a familiar voice originating from the television said. "If I tell you I'll be dead soon?"

I opened my eyes and saw that a commercial was being played on the television and it starred Irina and Henvle. From the looks of it and the general vibe that I'm getting, Irina and Henvle appeared to be a couple in the commercial and the person Irina was playing as had contracted a sort of terminal illness that would result in her inevitable death. It was one of those stupid romantic type that catered towards the younger generation with its innocence and pure atmosphere. It's fairly contained in the dialog with an emphasis being placed on the character's love for each other and their preparation to say the final goodbye to the other. At the end of it, Irina's character passed away, leaving Henvle's character alive. However, the commercial depicted the two in a metaphorical matter since the ending scene was the two embracing in a field of flowers, symbolizing that the two are still together since they were able to prepare for this physical separation by allowing their spirit to bond. The commercial then concluded with the two celebrities reading a simple and short awareness statement for the disease, and slowly, the screen faded to black in order to smoothly transition out of the commercial sequence.

This commercial caught my attention as it seemed to apply to me. However, it wasn't exactly the same situation for me, but it was still pretty similar. However, the commercial is still simply a commercial and real life doesn't work that way. Besides, I'm not even her lover, so there's no possible way her spirit could even bond with mine. Instead, it's main focus would be on her boyfriend, Loyd. That is if the relationship isn't simply one to pass time. Come to think of it, I've never really thought about it. When did they possibly developed true feelings for each other? Is there even a true feeling between the two?

Another feeling that the commercial made me felt was a sort of annoyance. It was an annoyance against myself. I'm annoyed that I'm still unable to confront Irina and try to resolve the issue as soon as possible. That way, it'll save both of us from the most severe of the suffering. However, that doesn't mean that if I were to reject her it wouldn't hurt. Instead, it would hurt. It would probably hurt a lot. However, a quick, sharp pain is often times better than having to endure a long, agonizing, dull pain that just interferes with life. The effects of the pain will be even greater when you multiply it by the time interval that it was endured for. Therefore, at that moment, I made up my mind. The issue with Irina... I will talk to her the very next day about it.

***

The next day, I went to school as usual. However, there was a sense of newfound determination within me as I've decided the night before that this situation with Irina will have to be solved today. I do not have an exact idea as to how it'll end, but I've already decided that it will be solved so it will be. I often would conduct my actions according to a plan, but last night, after laying on my bed while awake and trying to come up with a strategy, I realized that there's simply no way to prepare for things involving human relationships. Instead, one would have to just freestyle it and improvise when needed.

That morning, when I entered the classroom and sat down, I observed Irina, trying to gather up as much information about her as possible. I kept my eyes focused on her throughout the different periods so it was only natural that someone noticed. Luckily for me, it was Muria that noticed it first. However, instead of saying anything about it, she simply smiled and allowed me to operate discreetly as she realized that I must be planning something to fix the situation between Irina and me.

The day passed by quickly, and after a whole day's worth of observations, I do not feel like I could be any more ready. To be honest, I didn't learn much that I didn't already know about her from observing her. However, there was nothing else that I could possibly do while I waited for an opportunity. I didn't choose the break period between classes as that was obviously way too little time to talk about things. Besides, there will be plenty of other people watching so that won't work. As for lunch, it has a similar issue as break time with people watching. Therefore, I've decided that the best time is afterschool since our group have our habit of staying behind and allowing the hallways to be cleared of any traffic before we left.

"I'm going to see Luna at the hospital," Loyd excused himself immediately after the hallways showed the initial signs of clearing up. "So I'll see you guys tomorrow."

With his sudden departure, that left the only remaining members of our group that was in the classroom to be Noah, Muria, Irina, and I. A few minutes after Loyd was gone, the hallways cleared up entirely. Therefore, it was time that we start heading for the clubroom.

"Let's go then," Noah announced to the others as he started walking towards the doors.

Irina got up from the seat and started following after him. However, this was my only chance so I would not allow it to slip away. I got up from my seat, cleared my throat, and stopped her.

"Irina," I said to her with a determined look in my eyes. "Can we um...talk in private?"

Noah looked over at me from the corner of his eye, taking in my countenance and seemingly reading my mind. I was afraid that he might try and stir things up, but like the Noah that I trusted, when confronted with something that's serious, he would lose that playful and carefree nature.

"We'll be at the clubroom then," he said as he started walking out of the classroom door with Muria following behind him. The two then closed the door so that Irina was unable to escape.

"So..." she muttered as she looked around in a nervous manner. "What is it that you would like to talk about."

"I um..."

I realized that I didn't know exactly how I wanted to communicate what was on my mind to her. My brain just went blank and lost its ability to piece together words to create a meaning.

"I saw that commercial," I started saying to stall for time. "It was um... great."

"T-thank you," she responded as she looked away to avoid my gaze.

"I'm um..." I sighed as I became frustrated with my inability to communicate. "I'm sorry...for shaking your hand away at the end of the live stream and...about what happened two days ago."

"..." She remained silent. She kept her head low, causing her bangs to conceal her countenance from me. However, even if I do not know what she might be thinking at the moment, I must continue on. It's make or break here. There's really no turning back on anything.

"What you've said that day, well I...I know that I might be a bit frustrating to deal with," I said. "But...there's just things going on right now in my life that it's stressing me out. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to... give you more attention, and I know this is extremely selfish for me to ask you this but..."

I took a deep breath as I prepared myself.

"Can you please give me some time? It's not like you're not important or anything," I said. "You're important to me, but there's just something that's going on in my life that's been drawing away all my attention. So, can you please just give me some time?"

I looked up at her face and was surprised to see that there was a gentle smile there. She took a step forward and reached a hand for my hair, gently stroking it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I...didn't realize what you were dealing with and just got caught up in myself...I should be the one apologizing to you, Alevian. I should've noticed earlier that your odd behavior was due to stress...I'm sorry for being such a burden to you."

"It's not you—"

I wanted to reaffirm that this wasn't her responsibility and was mine instead but was interrupted by her. She brought her left index finger to her lips to silence me as she smiled.

"It's my fault as well," she whispered. "I don't want you bearing all the guilt, taking all the blame, and playing as the bad guy in everything. And the answer to your request is: yes. I can wait."

"Irina..."

"So let's have everything return back to normal," she took a small step back and smiled.

"Yeah," I softly whispered.

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[Irina's Perspective]

He apologized to me, even though in the end, it was totally my fault. I didn't take into account things that are going on for Alevian in my selfish little ramble...

But in the end, I'm saved by Alevian once again. I had thought that was the end of our relationship, that we would just fracture and drift further and further away from each other. I thought that I had sealed the fate of our relationship by that outburst. I was afraid to be disliked by him. However, he made an effort to try and restore it... Does that mean he actually values my relationship with him?

"You're important to me."

He said that...

I smiled as I felt my face warm up from blushing.

So I'm not just a random nobody in his world... Just knowing that is enough for me right now.

With a content feeling in my heart, I walked down the empty hallway towards the clubroom, replaying that scene in my head over and over again. Then, my face turned an even brighter shade of red as I cringed at the embarrassing actions that I had done.

I...I stroked his hair... It was so soft—Oh my God why did I do that? That's so embarrassing!

I buried my face in my two hands out of embarrassment. I was tortured by it, but... it wasn't extremely painful or anything. With a smile, I continued on down the long hallway and towards the clubroom.

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[Alevian's Perspective]

After my apology with Irina, I guess things are back to normal now. I should be happy, which I am, but I am still disappointed in myself. Instead of solving it, I've simply pushed the date back further into the future. I didn't solve anything today. Instead, all I did was lessen up the tasks that I had to focus on... But... I guess that's still a win for me?

Either way, I am glad that Irina didn't hate me after all that. I'm actually quite happy that she was able to forgive me after all the scummy things I've done...

Walking down the long hospital hallway, I had my eyes set on the door leading into Luna's room. For some reason, I wanted to inform her of this triumph. Maybe it's because she's one of the people who knew of our situation and does not have direct access to the newest information in regards to it whereas Muria could find out immediately when Irina enters the room? I believe that might be how my subconscious was functioning.

With a smile, I stopped before the closed doors to her hospital room. However, I was reluctant to reach my hand for the door handle as Loyd might be in there with her. He did say he was coming to visit her after school, so there's the possibility that he has yet to leave. What would I say for my reason for visiting if he sees me? With a soft chuckle, I tossed that worry out of my mind as I was in a good mood that has been extremely rare for me these days. Things will just work itself out in the end.

With a smile on my face, I reached for the door handle, but before I was able to make contact with it, the door slid open. The person who had caused it was Loyd. I was surprised and astonished by this sudden opening of the doors as I was unprepared for it, but I was also unprepared for what I saw.

"Coming to see Luna?" Loyd smiled when he saw me. "I'm heading home now, so see you tomorrow at school."

He placed a hand on my shoulder as he walked past me. After he passed by me, he brought his fingers back to the top buttons on his disorderly outfit and buttoned them up. Slowly, I looked my eyes into the hospital room and towards the messy bed where Luna was located in. She was combing her hair with a comb in her hands, tidying herself. Her face was slightly red, possibly from exhaustion or from pleasure. In addition, her hospital gown was opened in the front, exposing her small stomach as well as her lingerie, the lingerie that I had bought for her...