8 Chapter Eight

Kevin's POV:

In yet another astounding day of my survival, I lay by the window and attempt to deal with the series of events that I brought upon myself. My heart is as deary as the perpetual gray skies and my mental capacity just as burdening as the clouds that lurk loudly over the city, ready to wreak massive havoc over us any moment. The dramatic effects of these metaphors almost make me look like a lady boss. But, in reality, I am fragile, weak-minded, and an unfair specimen for a righteous woman. It's a shame I even call myself righteous because that concept ceased to exist long back.

Maybe in the process of becoming a better and kinder person to others, I am turning excruciatingly mean towards my own idea of contentment and, ultimately myself. But, unfortunately, this also makes me question my morals, and that's not a good sign.

I have been thinking a little too much, just about everything. Sometimes, I wonder if I'd otherwise ever been okay with the behavior demonstrated in front of my eyes and the behaviour that I also seem to condone. Is it because of my love for one person that this indeed blinds me? Or is it because it isn't up to me to judge and direct people towards control of their life?

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

But I do know that I only seem to regret my choices and my lack of action against this dilemma that has been eating my insides out till I almost feel empty. It is also because I haven't ardently tried my best to protect my blood relation, and now, every time I look at him, I am constantly reminded of my terrible choice. Although it isn't necessary that to be able to love and connect with someone truly, you must first be connected to them by blood because the kinship I share with her is more potent than any of my blood relations.

Am I scared of stringing her farther? Or, am I scared of hurting her sentiments? I can't tell. I love her though, I do. And that is a universal truth. There isn't anything I won't do for her or for her joy. And this is perhaps also how and why I fell into this trap. But, I also know for a fact that I want nothing more than for her to find true joy in life, but if she chooses to tread on the path of her joy, it will make way for another broken heart.

Sometimes, I contemplate advising her against her choices in life; I want to tell her that's either all in or all out. A person can never sail in two boats simultaneously, for he is destined to drown in the long-lasting oceans. What if, one of these days, the realisation of what I am doing and supporting hits me like a tonne of bricks at night, and I cannot sleep from that moment onwards?

In my younger days and when I lead a sheltered life, I wasn't even aware of the societal evils that prance around. Around all of us. My mind used to question whether a sheltered life under the temporary protection of my mother is what I require because I was so ready to grow up any day.

It turns out, I wasn't. What a joke! That was foolish thinking.

Now, having seen just about everything, I can safely state that, for a fact, I will not lead a life similar to anyone around me. The more I am aware of the constant sufferings behind closed doors, the more I question the things I want from life. My idea of happily-ever-after has been ruined one-too-many times, and it is only a matter of time before I give on it completely.

I hate big cities, and my towards them is not biased. I lived a satisfying and joyful life in my family house before we moved n number of times to land where we are today finally. And maybe this is also why the idea of moving at all abhors me. I don't want to move. I cannot move anymore. Moving away means farewell to whatever little happiness you create in your short world. And that just won't do. I just hate big cities because they've only ever snatched whatever little joy I had in my childhood house.

My hometown meant staying away from my grandparents. At one point in life, the idea of living without my granny meant death to me. I remember asking for her picture before my father decided it was time we started living with him and left our humble abode. Mumbai also meant not seeing my sister, who is my first friend, my first guide, my first teacher — my first everything.

But I am ashamed to admit that as time changed, I realised the vast, endless possibilities that sprawled around this land, and I eventually grew towards liking it, and slowly got used to the luxury of dreaming. So the only reason I am that big a dreamer today is because Mumbai gave me the confidence to dream. Because if you're living here and you don't have a dream, you're not doing it right.

If I close my eyes, I can almost see my 18 years flash right in front of my eyes within seconds. But if I close my eyes and think about my 18 years of life, I am aware that I will only envision my life before 2009. My happiest moments are from the bare-minimum spring in my hometown. They are around the nights we spent in one drawing room watching a daily soap with my grandma. My happy moment is when I spent with my Nani in the kitchen while she made her extra sweet tea. And that reminds me, they're also the times I drank tea with my grandma without having my mother know.

I am sure there were thousand other moments where I was higher with euphoria than the ones I mentioned, but nothing compares to the burden I carry in my heart of the joy that only makes sense now.

In my search for fairytale endings, I will make my reality that will be nothing like those around me.

Is it only a matter of time till I compromise with my existence.

Life is funny.

But how exactly is life funny? Maybe I shall rant about it equally in an hour or two.