12 A Moment Of Weakness

[Johan's POV]

"I can't just end things between us. Whatever this is. I want you by my side."

As he stood in his bedroom door, nestled in Adrian's arms, he wondered if it's okay to be selfish once in a while.

After he took a shower, got dressed and went to bed, Johan spent the rest of the night tossing and turning in his duvet. He left Adrian by himself in the living room, giving him a futon to decide if he wanted to sleep first before leaving, or just leave right away.

At some point, he heard the front door open, and he thought that was it. They can finally go back to where they rightfully belong; Adrian to his girlfriend, and him in the darkness of his room, alone.

But after some time, Adrian went back inside again. Johan had put his ears on the surface of the door, listening at the painful sighs and frustrated groans.

Was it cruel of him to just leave him there? Adrian was probably thinking about the repercussion of their actions.

They weren't drunk to call it a drunken mistake. He wasn't. And he should have been the better person. He let his forbidden desire took over his mind. And now they're in this predicament.

Johan reached for the doorknob with shaking hands. He had to face Adrian.

When he opened the door, Adrian was seated on the leather sofa, hair in a disheveled state and his face morphed in a conflicted expression. Even through the darkness, the restlessness in his eyes were apparent.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Johan asked whilst suppressing a yawn. He couldn't sleep himself. He rested his shoulder on the doorframe and hugged himself.

"I can't sleep."

"Why are you still here then?" He didn't intend for it to sound like he's kicking him out, but when Adrian jolted at his question, he regretted it.

"Han," Adrian called him in a voice like he's about to cry. He patted the spot beside him, urging him to take a seat.

As much as he wanted to, the last time they sat beside each other, they made a mistake. Johan glued himself to his position, even at the disappointed look he received.

"What will happen to us?"

He didn't know. Honestly, he couldn't find the right answer, but there's only one thought that crossed his mind. "It was a mistake," he said.

When Adrian stood and slow-gaited towards him with a defeated face, he crumbled. His blond head dropped to his shoulder, and Johan's fingers curled tight behind his armpits, resisting the urge to hook his arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry." Adrian whispered. "I'm only here to apologize, but I got greedy. Now, I don't know what to do."

"You should go back to Rhia. That's the right thing to do."

"I know."

"Then..." Johan's words faded. Adrian lifted his head, and his eyes prickled. He didn't know why it pained him, but it seemed like once Adrian stepped out of his apartment, that would be the last, and he'd lost this chance forever.

But instead of walking away, Adrian grabbed his waist and pulled him in a desperate embrace. "I can't just end things between us. Whatever this is. I want you by my side."

Johan hiccupped, unshed tears brimming his eyes. It's heartbreaking to be cheated on, he knew that from experience. To be an instrument of someone's unfaithfulness, however, was something else. Guilt clawed at his heart like sharp talons, squeezing the organ until it bled.

But with Adrian's arms around him; hands easing his tensed muscle, and soft murmurs of apology brushing his earlobes, Johan's anxiety began to liquefy. The pain didn't leave him, but it became bearable.

For now, he'd allow himself to be selfish. More than what Rhia would feel if she found out, Adrian's happiness weighed more. That's how much the blond meant to him.

"Don't be scared, Han." Adrian pressed his lips to his forehead. "I won't do anything you don't like."

"You already are."

Adrian paused, the pressure of his hold loosened a little. "Tell me if you don't want this... and I'll let go."

"Don't. Don't let go." Johan raised his placid hands to rest loosely around Adrian's neck. A gentle hand pulled his head down to lie on a firm chest, and the rhythm of the beating heart calmed him.

Despite popular belief, a heart wrapped in ice was the most fragile ones. No matter how thick the walls built around them, it will fissure at the smallest ray of warmth.

They stayed like that for a while, body pressed together in his bedroom door. It's nothing sensual. Just comforting each other.

"Promised me one thing, Adrian," Johan said once he pulled away. "You'll tell no one. Not even the girls or anyone at work."

Adrian wiped the teary cheeks with his thumb, kissing the side of his eyes. "Okay, Han. I promise. It'll be just between us."

If someday, the pain became unbearable, he'll just have to go somewhere far away, again.

The digital clock on his bedside table flashed 5:10 AM.

Exhaustion overtook their body. Johan laid on his bed with Adrian's arm draped around him. The blond had fallen asleep the moment they crawled under the crimson red covers. Overthinking had drained his troubled mind, and Johan let him took his rest.

Johan remained awake, staring at the white ceiling with a blank look. His thumb brushed absentmindedly across the delicate skin of Adrian's bicep. His blond head settled on his shoulder, but he didn't mind the weight. It was comforting, even.

Three years.

He's been sleeping alone in bed for three years. He had gotten used to the cold empty side, with only Scythe joining him from time to time.

Speaking of his cat, it's nowhere to be seen. Scythe wasn't in his usual spot, which was a makeshift bed composed of old clothes in a cardboard box. He bought him an expensive cat-bed, but the feline chose to huddle on the old make-shift bed he created.

But Scythe's absence wasn't a peculiar thing. There were days it would go off on its own, most likely to find a mate or something. A cat that once lived in the streets knew how to be independent, and Johan envied Scythe for that.

Even though Adrian wasn't the first man to hold him, the feeling of being caged in a protective embrace still seemed like a brand fresh experience. Adrian's body heat spread through him like a wildfire, warming his heart.

How can something so wrong felt this right? He would die to have this for all his life.

'I refuse to become the person who once hurt me,' his memory echoed. After all the talk of having no intention of hurting someone just so he could be happy, he gave in. Just like that.

Johan clung to Adrian's arm as claws of doubt and guilt crawled to his conscience.

"Han?" Adrian raised his head, gazing down at him with languid eyes.

"Sorry. Did I wake you?"

"It's alright," he said, putting his head back in the space beside his neck. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing. Go back to sleep."

Adrian pulled him closer. "You should sleep too, Han."

"I will." Johan allowed himself to be swept in those sturdy arms that shrouded him with a sense of security, away from all his troubles and uncertainties. "Adrian?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you..." He hesitated for a second. "Can you lie on top of me?"

"How about we get some rest first before we do the acrobatics later?" Adrian whispered to his ears in a drowsy seduction.

He jabbed him in the side with his knuckles. "T-that's not what I meant. Ugh. Forget it."

The blond only gave a soft chuckle and shifted his torso, climbing on top of him. He dipped deeper into the mattress at their combined weight. Adrian was a huge mass of muscles and strong bones. He must have weighed about eighty kilograms or more, but Johan didn't mind it. He loved the crushing dominance and circled his arms to rest on the firm back.

"Now, I don't think I can sleep anymore," Adrian murmured to his neck.

"Go back to the side then. I'm not—"

"No, I mean..." Adrian grounded his hips, letting him know he's awake down there.

Johan wanted to roll his eyes. How come he's so easily aroused? Then again, that's how a man's body worked in the morning. He could feel himself getting hard too. Adrian's warm mouth latched onto his neck, sucking a little.

"Don't leave me visible hickeys," he warned.

"How about not visible ones?" Adrian traveled down his shoulder in feather-light kisses. "Han?"

"It's... fine."

Adrian suckled on his flesh, and his skin stung at the love bite he gave him, but he relished on that pain. Physical pain was better than emotional ones.

He arched his head to give Adrian a better access, his fingers gliding across blond tufts, groaning at the heat that enveloped him. "You can get off of me now."

Adrian propped himself up and frowned at him, looking disgruntled at being cut short. "What the—"

"What?" Johan stared back, admiring the fake scowl, the corner of Adrian's lips quirking up.

"You're such a cocktease, aren't you?"

"Am I?"

"Yes, you are." Adrian leaned down for a kiss, which he welcomed with a kiss of his own. "You've been driving me crazy since yesterday. I'm already having stomach cramps."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to."

Adrian slid to his side and scooped him in a gentle embrace, his erection pressed against his back. "Let's just sleep, Han. I'm tired."

"Yeah. Let's sleep." Johan let his eyelids fluttered shut in contentment and followed Adrian to dreamland.

The future held a tough journey ahead, but he already made a decision. Wherever this relationship brought them, he'll just cherish what he can.

'Forgive me for I am weak, but let me have this for a while... even just for a little while.'