1 before

the day started just as it did the day before, and i thought the next day would start exactly the same. it's funny how you wake up one morning, completely and brilliantly oblivious of the life changing moment that is soon to occur. about to turn your life completely upside down. my entire life will soon be split in two. before and after. in some ways this event will mark the uprising, the event that created indescribably, irreplaceable pleasant memories. but in other ways it marks the downfall of everything good. equaling as brutal and memories and feelings that will form that will soon eat away at me. which will out way the other? will the good negate the bad? or the other way around?

the overwhelming feeling of dread weighs my body down. the stale, desolate air from my bedroom fills my nostrils just as always. i keep my eyes shut tight hoping to wash away these feelings , delay them even just for a few more hours of precious, peaceful sleep

sleep never graces my being, and i can't bear to be sitting here wide open, vulnerable to these overwhelming feelings. i gain the energy to open my eyes and reach my hand over to my phone.

4:33 the large bold numbers sitting at the top of my phone scream at me at how much im wasting. did i really sleep for 15hours? a familiar name is displayed on my notification list. the only name there, my best friend grey. she has been my best friend for about 3 years now and we are closer than ever. i open the copious videos she sent of her rambling on about topics that aren't even worth mentioning.

30 minutes soon pass by feeling like seconds and my bedroom door swings open, causing me to draw my attention away from the show i was watching- rather re-watching for probably the 80th time.

she plops down on my bed, uninvited and after grabbing a pillow that laid next to me to place behind her back for support.

she begins shuffling and moving around dirty dishes and, shaking the comforter in search of my vape. the shame of a nicotine addiction. i look at the elxtronic device in my hand and hold it to my lips; taking a long drag. i  slip a few more in before throwing it in front of her.

"shit look" she says making a over dramatic longing, desperate face at her phone before turning over the screen for me to see. it was a picture of about 15 green rectangular pills. they were marked with two indentations to split it and the code S 90 3 imprinted on the front side.

"i wish."

"wait are they 10?" i question, contemplating if i should take the 50 from my purse and blow it all on the pills. a little relief wouldn't hurt.

"ya? why." i take a second to take in her question, digest the decision at hand. and fully decide weather i should buy them or not.

"can you drive me over to his house."

"ya of course, are you buying?"

".. yup." i reply confidently

sure i've done xanax before but they were puny .02 mg prescribed to my best friends mom. and they never prescribe a very high dose of that stuff.

i get a reply almost instantly and we agreed that if come by to pick it up in around 10 minutes. me and effie prepare to leave and inform our mother we are going to the store.i text devon telling him we are on our way. soon after we arrive at his house, except he isn't replying.

i've texted him just a few minutes ago telling him we were pulling up. we circle around his neighborhood, until fed up effie speaks up.

"fuck it i'm calling him." she says pulling up her phone and choosing on his contact. he quickly picks up and around 30 minuets later we are back in my bed, except 50 dollars broker and 5 pills in my pocket.

we wait until it's 11pm to take them. our mom has fallen asleep and is tucked away behind her locked door of her bedroom. we each swallow one of the green capsules and wash them down with water, with ice floating at the top and condensation dripping off the side it made for a crisp and refreshing swig. mixed with the lump going down my throat i felt comfort in knowing the feelings will soon be washed away and digested along with the pill.

an hour passes and i am definitely feeling the effects. i feel light, as if i'm floating. my eye lids are heavy, hard to keep open.

i float down the stairs, across the house and make it to my bathroom. my feet barley tocuhing the ground. i feel light as if all my demons were expouled out of my body. i felt tired, but it was different from the typical exaghstion i normally experience from the overintensitified emotions that weigh me down on a daily basis.

these emotions set me part from the others my age. i didn't go out much, i slept most of the day away. in all i just acted different. more mature than the shallow, over privileged kids that took up most of the population at my school. they all worried about boys and insignificant high school drama. i for one had more pressing things on my mind.

grey was the only one who was almost similar. she almost understood. sure i never fully opened up to her, even after 2 years of friendship. i can't seem to allow myself to be vulnerable not with anyone. but from what i allow her to know she seems to understand and relate to parts of it. which is why she's my only friend. i am texting her right now as a matter of fact. well truing my best to. my visions blurry and i'm dizzy. the letters dance around my screen and i can barley write a proper sentence. not to mention my brain is mush.

all the anxiety that tainted my body was eliminated with one little pil. how wonderful. i couldn't help by grin, from ear to ear. that obnoxious smile couldn't be wiped off my face. i float back up to my room and then everything's black.

i wake up the next morning. the last thing i remember doing was going to the bathroom.

'shit i must've blacked out'

i look around to see my room is empty and i'm alone. persephone must've stumbled downstairs at some point in the night. i of course have no memory of it.

i resort to texting my friend to see if she can put together the missing prices of the puzzle of my night. she says i didn't text her after i got back upstairs and i wasn't typing correctly and she assumed i passed out by 12:30

i've come to the conclusion i either laid there, nodding off staring at the wall like a low life junkie or passed right out; dead to the world. the dread is replaced by excitement. i look forward to the releif the pill will provide.

i check my phone, as normal to see it's 3:08 pm, on a sunday afternoon. everything that morning was normal.

-little did i know this would be the last normal day i'd be granted for a while.

effie eventually enters my room and hangs out and we wait until 11 pm, except this time out mother is awake. she is sitting in the living room, alone her eyes glued to the small television screen across from the tc screen. we decided if we both stayed in our room or passed by her quickly she wouldn't know a thing. so we both took one yet again.

i prepared for another night of releif, a small vacation of you will. but what came was nothing close. athena takes the pill and leaves for her room after about an hour. the pill kicks in again and i lay in my bed, staring at the floor absorbing the calm, wave of euphoria flowing through my blood, carried through my veins.

i felt pure happiness as if i was floating in a soft could, floating away from everything and everyone. i remember the bottle of vodka i keep in my top drawer and go to retrieve it. i begin to chug it, dancing spend my room to the music blasting from my tv. just enjoying the beautiful feeling that consumed me.

im carefree, i'm light. my face had a incomfortavle sensation, emitting off it. it takes me a second to recognize i was hot. i remove my hoodie, stumbling and falling to the ground as my head is caught in the fabric. to reveal a large white bandage covering marks i had make a few days before.

. it tempted me. reminded my of the awful feelings. and suddenly i fall from that euphoric cloud and smack down to the ground; hard. i unrolled the gauze in order to admire the gashes in my arms. they were beginning to heal but i could still see the fat peeking through. it was hard and crusty and just beginning to scab. i look over to the bottom drawer in my dresser which holds the blades that help me commit this deed of mutilating my very own body. the exact body that preforms wonders just to keep me breathing, standing and in all to keep me for the most part healthy.

i crawl across my room to retrieve the blades and start to cut. i cut deep. blood pools and drips down my arm , fat peeks out at me. bubbling and yellow tissue greets me. i finnsihed cutting a few marks and wrap it in gauze.

my mouth is dry has cotton mouth. i decide to run downstairs, forgetting all about the bandages clearly displayed on my arm. which was a fatal flaw. one that would change entire life.

"what's on your arm?" my mom says just as i make it down the stairs from the couch. i froze. i didn't know what else to do but run away

next thing i know is i'm sprinting away from my mom up the stairs to my room. i block the door with my dresser. she bangs on the door screaming at the top of her lungs.

"what was on your wrist?"

"do you know how bad that makes me look?!"

"let me see it! just let me see it!"

"why would you do this to yourself, to me?"

i scream back at her to leave me alone and i won't show her

well you get the common theme.  i can't help the tears that streak down my face. and burn my skin. she keeps up this act as i frantically text my best friend for support, as best as i can with the tears and substances blurring my mind and my vision. she can barley grasp the situation. my "mother" gives up at my door realizing she can't break in. the most damage she did was two holes about the size of a door knob on my closet door.

"fine if you won't let me in and won't let me see i'll call someone!"

"who the fucj would you call?"

"just leave" i add harshly

my older sister must've heard the commotion and ran up satirs, but i soon realized she wasn't running up for or me. she was asking to borrow the car.

"please i need to devon might not be okay. i think he tried to kill himself." she begs

"no it's 11 pm you can't use the car past 9 and it's final. plus i'm dealing with enough right now" i hear the bickering through the door. worry, fear and jealousy coarse through my veins. he gets to die? he gets the end? then i come to my senses and realize he could be dead. and i realize how pure his soul is. i know a drug dealer who sells xanax how could he have a pure soul? if you know him you'd get it. he's been through a lot. even more than me and trust me when i say i've been through some shit. to say the least. i have to act fast i caht let him die. how could my mother be so cruel and let him die over a stupid rule. she's unbelievably narcissistic and self centered.

"what if i show yoh my arm, then will you let her go?"

"no it's fine, you don't have to" persephone retorts

"can she go see if he's ok?" i say firming my voice.

after a few minuets of arguing back and forth she agrees. both of our words are slurring. we are both heavily intoxicated and it's probably visible.

"okay fine." i move the dresser away and open the door. i reveal my arm and then retreat back to my door. persephone wastes no time to speed out

"why would you do it so deep" persephone questions. before she leaves.

"this is all your fault." my mother spits in my face.

i run back to the hidden corner of my room. and continue to text my friend. suddenly i'm interrupted with a text message from my older at sister. she no longer lives at my house. after relaying messages about the situation my mom certainly i former her of. she sent a picture of her cuts. which were mere scratches. i sent her a picture of my gaping cuts. soon after arguing for a few minuets shes decides she is coming over.

except she can't drive. so she has her boyfriend drive her. she tells me she's on her way. i grab the razor from my bed and slit more cuts. each deeper than the last. before i know it i see fat spewing out of my arm in 9 different places sprawled across my forearm.  i move the blade to my wrist and cut virtually down my lower forearm. i let the warm blood drop down my arm and pool on my bed. i didn't cut deep enough to pass out but i was feeling light headed and dizzy. except i couldn't tell if it was the vodka, xanax or blood loss or most likely the combination of it all. i grab the glass birdie of clear liquid and unscrew the cap and tilt it upward, the liquid stinging the back of my throat. the putrid taste causes a cringe to form on my face. 20 minuets later there is a knock on the door. the knock had cherise behind it. the bottle of vodka remained in my grasp.

i let her in and she comes to sit on my bed.

"you have to go. i see the razors and the blood. it's clear you want to die. i can't let that happen." she explains as she picks up the vodka, prying it from my hand

i knew she was right. i couldn't trust myself. i was far too spontaneous and impulsive to be left alone with my thoughts and a sharp stainless steel razor.

before i know it i'm in a fast moving car, silent. wet blood dripping from my arm. i'm sitting int he front seat mat to her boyfriend lucas.

i hope the blood doesn't drip and stain his seats. i'm too scared to look. i do my best to keep a strong face. i hold back my tears. although the combination of blood and the puffy eyes doesn't do much to help my facade.

"well what a beautiful night." i say sarcastically to listen the mood. lucas laughs from beside me and.

"ya right not chaotic at all" he replies