1 The start.

I sat at my bedroom window, looking at the night sky. My eyes flooding themselves with the stars and the faint light the moon cast. Shadows of long oak trees fell on to the lush green grass dwindling in the cold breeze.

I wish I could feel it on me.

Whenever the sun would set and darkness would flood I'd turn my lights off and sit by the window, imagining myself floating among them. Free. I longed to just enjoy the breeze on my arms–instead, I wore a tight black fitting suit– I wanted to just sit under the stars, admiring the art illustrated above me. I wanted to sit on the grass for hours, staring endlessly, carelessly. Timelessly. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to waste time.

But those are wants, desires. Ones I can't have.

Every step I take is calculated, down to the smallest detail. If one mishap it has a backup, all possible outcomes are taken into consideration, each with its own solution. There were too many rules to follow, restrictions. I was taught to be a myth, a shadow. Swift and precise. In and out before anyone found out. I was taught to be well hidden, blur into my surroundings.

At only sixteen I was the top of my class. At only sixteen I gave up my little freedom. No one told me what this meant. They didn't tell me that I would be what I am today. Completely oblivious to how many souls I'd carry with me.

I didn't ask to be erased, nor dissipate into the back. However here I was, sitting on the cold wooden floor observing the shimmering specks of white nothingness spewed over the dark backdrop, wishing for a different life.