13 YOU’RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT

“Ms. Sanchez.” Mr. Quipse called out, waking me up from the sleep that I was enjoying. My eyes begin to hurt as I open them with the sun peering through the car’s windows.

“We have arrived.” Mr. Quipse said.

Looking outside I see multiple huts. Not basic looking huts, but huts that are rather impressive. Even more impressive than what Mr. Quipse had described them to be. Around the huts are greens. Beautiful green plantation everywhere. The air quality is different than it was in Lima. It’s way more, crisp. Easier to take in a deep breath.

Looks like this is the Amazon.

We all get out as Mr. Quipse leads the way. Two Yanomami tribe members pop out in front of us. Somehow, I don’t get the feeling that they were here to greet us with a warm and friendly welcome. They look very serious as Mr. Quispe walks up to them. Speaking a language that I have never heard of before, we all stand back and watch in awe as he breaks down the resistance of the two tribe members in front of our very own eyes.

The two tribe members begin to walk ahead as Mr. Quispe looks back at us, motioning us forward. Whatever just happened worked as they have eased up on us. Looking around, the feeling that I am way in over my head rears its ugly head. I mean, there is no way that I would not be way in over my head when I think about it. But wow, here I am, not able to communicate with the vast majority of people who live here. That in itself is freaky enough.

Entering a hut, we all sit down as Mr. Quispe walks toward a tribe member who I can only assume is some kind of chief? He is significantly taller than the two other tribe members that we come across. He also exudes a sense of power, command and control that only someone is charge would naturally possess.

They both begin speaking that same language that I still have never heard of. Matthew goes up to them, attempting to speak that said language. While his version is not too bad; he is no match for Mr. Quispe and the chief. I have to assume that this is their native language. It is impressive that Matthew is even able to know what the language is. Mr. Quispe on the other hand is proving how big of a freak of nature he truly is.

“Fiorella.” The chief said in Spanish, catching me completely off guard. It is a nice surprise that I could be let in on the conversation.

“Yes, that’s me.”

The chief comes over to me, kneels down and kisses my hand. Nobody and I am serious when I say that nobody has ever done that to me. It isn’t so much as I have never met a true gentleman at any point of my life. It is more that I haven’t ever been considered very “lady like”.

“I am chief Krihisiwa Shori.” The chief said, introducing himself. “Danilo and Matthew have informed me a little bit about you. You sound like a very special young woman.”

“I really don’t know about being special.”

“Nonsense. Anyone who can reckon with Amy inside of their soul has something within them that the vast majority of human beings cannot and would not want to comprehend. You being here in one piece is proof enough for me.”

When chief Shori put it that way, it is insane that I have had this devil, fallen angel, Demon, whatever you want to call him, her or rather “it” inside of me and have been able to function at a normal level. I think that this is what people mean when they say that “ignorance is bliss” I can’t fathom that if I was fully aware of Amy’s presence years ago that I would have been able to handle it too well. In fact, I am quite certain that I would have had a nervous breakdown. My real strength comes from Alois and Angelica. In their own ways, they are my sword and shields. I have to be strong for them. If I am not, then they have no one. And that is unacceptable to me.

“So.” I began. “How can you help us? What does your tribe know about the Demons?”

“The invasion of the Demons is an event that our people have anticipated since our tribe has been tampered with by “civilization” Chief Shori explained.

“Particularly the ignorance and arrogance of white male westerners who want to take our resources and give back little, if anything, in return. Our ancestors predicated that there would be an attack that would force them to respect nature for what it is. Little did we know that this would be an attack on the entire human race.”

The heaviness of his words come off like they are coming from the captain of a rocket ship informing the space travelers of the history of the creature that they’re after. The sad, scary and funny thing is that those crazy b movies and the reality that is staring directly into our eyes don’t seem to be too far apart after all. Another saying “stranger than fiction” is beginning to ring too true right now.

“What made your people believe that?” I asked.

“It is simple. When the white man first came into the Amazon, he had no intention to give back to the forest. His only intention was to take. Take from the land in every way that he could. On top of that, he feared what was in the forest. Feared the animals and the strange plants that he had never came across. When you combine a spirit of take and fear, you are sowing a return that will have devastating effects.”

“Then why so long?” Matthew asked, sounding like he was trying to hide any anger he had over chief Shori putting down his race.

“In the eyes of the creator, it has not taken a long time at all. All the momentum through history has piled up and has created the moment in time that we are all currently facing. Yes, it could have happened sooner, it could have happened later. But alas, this is the fate that the creator has had in store for us.”

“Has the tribe experienced any issues the Demons?” Mr.Quispe asked.

“Yes. A few people have been infected. While we have attempted to exercise those Demons from them, our attempts have not been successful. These people as you put it are, “forever changed.”

Those words strike fear into my heart. I journeyed here with the hopes that they would be able to “fix me”. That I would be rid of Amy and be able to go on with my life. Now I am hearing the exact opposite. That I in fact may be sufficiently screwed up and over. That I am going to be stuck being part Demon forever. That mere notion is having me shake in my boots. And these boots were made

for walking, not shaking.

“Mommy.” Alois called out. “Are you okay?”

Angelica and he are staring at me. I must get myself together, right now. I cannot allow these two precious ones to see me in suck a weak state. I feel so pathetic that I even have to say this. I suppose that this is a part of the deal. Life gets hard. But I must get going. That is what I’ve been told. I think. Either way, f I cannot do it for my own sanity, then the sanity of my babies should be

more than enough of a driving force.

“I’m great.” I said, desperately hiding the shadow that is behind my smile. “I had a cold chill come up on me. That’s all.”

These two are way too acute to who I am as they just are staring at me. Their eyes say it all. “Mommy, you’re not fooling anyone.” All I can do is march forward through the obvious awkwardness that I have created by getting into my feelings. I feel bad that I am making these two have to go through all this. But at the same time, what else can I do? I have always been well aware that I am only one woman doing a job meant for two. One woman who is nothing special, yet is trying to accomplish something special. Just a basic woman who is basically all alone in the world. Now more than ever this rang true to me.

“What does that mean for me?” I questioned the chief, looking to get things back on track.”

“Amy will be within for as long as she sees fit. It could be a few more months, years, decades. It could be the rest of your life. I apologize if this sound dramatic. However, I find it best to be straightforward and transparent in these types of situations. Beating around the bush tends to do more harm than good.”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Then what can be done?” Mr.Quispe asked.

“All that we can is speak with Amy and find out why. Amy is powerful and it is my belief that she has a huge hand in what is running rampart through society. Fiorella and Amy may be the key to ending this invasion.”

“What could I possibly do?” I blurted out. Beyond confused by how I am going to be beneficial to anyone.

“Fiorella, there are perceivers and receivers. Perceivers are the ones who become aware of what is going on and comprehend it. Receivers are the ones who allow for what is going to on to happen. You are a top-notch receiver.”

“If I am the receiver, then who is the perceiver?”

“If we had the answer to that question then we could end this invasion in an instant. Alas, that is not the case. That eludes all of us. That perceiver could be anywhere. Could even be in this room right now, but we are ignorant of it. More than likely that person has been “infected” so to speak and is as confused as can be about what is going on with them. If only they knew. If only modern human beings were more grounded into spirituality.”

“Ground into spirituality” I might, no I am one of those human beings that chief Shori is speaking of. I am not grounded into any spirituality. I went to church when I was younger and take Alois and Angelica to church on Easter. That is it. Outside of that, I know fuck all about spirituality. And really, I can’t say that I have felt that it needed to hold a significant part in my life. I always have gone

through the day believing that what I was seeing was the truth and nothing but the truth. It is scary how wrong I have been this whole time.

Outside, tribe members are cooking breakfast for us as I sit down alone watching Alois and Angelica play with some of the children of the tribe. These kids are so much faster than my two babies that it isn;t funny. They could easily represent Brazil in the Olympics one day if they choose too. Though I doubt that any thought of that is scratching the surface of their minds.

Looking at the difference in raw ability, I wonder how much of a waste our society is. My kids cannot keep up with any of the children here be it in regards to running, jumping, skipping, throwing or anything athletic. Sure, they may know more facts. But these kids hunt, fish and can interact with wild animals. Alois and Angelica would not last by themselves out here. These kids already have life skills. Life skills that no one in any city can teach you. Or even feel matter.

“It’s something huh?” Danilo asked me as he sat down next to me.

“What do you mean?”

“Watching your kids grow up before your very eyes. I have never had any of my own so I could only imagine the whirlwind of emotions that must be present.”

“Mr. Quipse, are you married?”

“Please, refer to me as Danilo. And no. Never have been. My line of work does not leave room for committed relationships. Well, quite frankly, it does not leave room for relationships in general.”

The energy that Danilo is emitting is interesting. It’s not cold, but certainly not warm. It’s a mix of brutal honesty and desire to have a better life. Yet, with peace mixed in. Peace about the life that he is currently living. In a way, he is a beautiful man. A man that has more inner strength in his eyes than I have ever felt in my whole entire body.

“Do you ever get lonely?”

“I am far beyond loneliness. I have been on the road on my own so many times that it is meditative. Though, I will say that it is a nice change of pace to have you all here. I do feel…different. Very different.”

“How long have you been doing this?”

“Let’s see. I am 35 and I dropped out of college when I was 20, so 15 years.”

“No girlfriend for those 15 years?”

“Do not get me wrong. I had romantic encounters. Connections if you will. There was promise in them if I wanted to go down that route. But, I know who I am. And being in a committed relationship is not my path. What about you Fiorella, are you single?”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

“And why is it unfortunate?”

“I don’t really know. I guess everyone expects me to be in a relationship.”

“Do you want to be in a relationship?”

“No, not really.”

“The why does it bother you?”

That is a good question. A question that I have failed to asked myself. Why does it bother me that I am not in a relationship? Why am I bothered by not having something that I am not into in the first place? Am I that lost of a soul that I have no sense of self? It is refreshingly odd how Danilo is making me think ask myself questions that I either never thought of or would never have the courage to ask myself.

“I guess I just want to look good in front of others.”

“Looking for acceptance and approval of others is the very thing that will stop you from not only achieving that said goal, but achieving what you really want out of life.”

“What would that be?”

“A life that is worth living.”

A life worth living. Do I have that? My children are worth living for, there is no doubt in my mind about that. But what about the other aspects of my life? Do they add up into a life that is worth living for? Or am I stuck in a hamster like wheel in the matrix, grasping for any shreds of happiness that randomly present themselves to me at any given moment? Just how depressing of a life do I

lead?

“What is a life worth living to you to?” I asked.

“A life worth living is one where you can become who you really are.”

“Become who you really are?”

“Yeah, I have been accused of being a bit “airy fairy”. What I mean by that is being able to discover yourself without the downward pull of other people.”

“You think that other people bring us down?”

“I know that other people bring us down.”

“Why is that?”

“Good question. I can say a lot about that. I can tell you that it is because a lot of people are, how should I put this? Energy vampires. Energy vampires who cannot create the type of energy that they desire in their lives so they suck it out of anyone around them who even has a scent of positivity in their lives. I can say that most people lack insight and cannot see how toxic that they really are.

I can say that most people are immature and do not know how to conduct themselves in a way that benefits anyone. Even themselves. Truth be told, human beings stump me.”

That makes two of us. I don’t think that I have ever “figured out” anyone who has been in my life. I did not know my father at all. My mother was a mystery to me right up to her death. The more that I raise Alois and Angelica I realize just how distinct and unique they are. How different that they are from me. To tell you the truth, it terrifies me. It terrifies me how so many different people can be

around me. So many different people with so many different points of view. All the same, I am distant from them. They might as well be aliens to me.

“Are you okay?” Danilo asked.

“Yeah, well, no. Not really. I am not okay.”

“What is wrong?”

“I…I just keep thinking about everything. How everything is way more complex than I thought it was. Just a few days ago I thought that I had my life figured out. I thought that I was in control. But now I know that it was all a fantasy. It was all a lie. I have no control of my life. I have never had any to begin with. It has just been a pipe dream.”

“Life is but a dream. But you can wake up from the dream that you are living.”

“How do I do that?”

“Realizing that everything is a lie is a good start. That is square one. Square two is when you can let go of the past.”

“But how do you do that?”

“By realizing that the past is not real. That the past represents memories. Once you do you that, you can unload that heavy weight that you have been carrying.”

Maybe it’s his experience. Maybe he is psychic. Whatever it is, Danilo can see through me. I have been carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders. I have been carrying this weight for a long time. A weight that I never asked for. A weight that I feel is my duty.

It’s a burden.

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