10 Bastard

* - Pov switch or something of note that will be explained at the end of the chapter

TW-mentions of self-harm

"I am an outcast, I am a bastard. I am trash, the worst of the worst. I don't deserve to have friends or company. I didn't deserve the family I once had. I am a defect, the weakest of the weak. I would only hinder them. I don't need friends, I can't have them, I can't, I can't, I CAN'T" I frantically whisper, letting myself plunge deeper and deeper into the depths of my despair. It's raining now, the cold droplets of water feel like knives as they soak into my tattered shirt and bandages, resulting in me leaving a trail of sickly, pinkish color in my wake.

I barely muster the strength to move one step ahead of another, let alone pay attention to my surroundings. I hear muffled gasps? Shrieks of disgust and horror drowned out by the rain? My body is on autopilot as I continue my trek towards the Masked Pig.

Did it take forever to finally reach those double doors? Or was it just a short amount of time? These thoughts float by as I barge through the double doors, collapsing to one knee.

Again?

That was my first thought as Ceaser barges through the double doors, falling to one knee. Charlotte rushes towards his bloody form, Concern, and fright are clearly shown in her stuttering and shaking form. Poor girl, she has no clue what's about to happen.

"W-What in Deliah's name happened to you?! Dear gods, there's so much blood! We need to get you first aid immediatel-"

"ENOUGH" I would think I got used to the massive volume of kamra he was radiating, but the shivers down my spine and goosebumps across my flesh say otherwise. I scantily manage to not drop the glass I was drying, glad no one else was here to see me involuntarily shaking like a scared dog. Charlotte took it twice as bad, tripping on herself from walking back. She falls on her bosom, her whole body shaking so hard I would have easily thought she was convulsing, her hair falling over her eyes.

Goodbye to your teenage crush huh I think bitterly as I finally get my shaking under control, heading to the back to grab the mop and a fresh bucket of water.

*You did this

Look at her, look at her LONG and HARD! Do you see how scared she is? She's absolutely terrified!

Thank Mary that today is the last day you're here JJ! You can finally relieve them of your ghastly presence! Weren't you guessing how long it'll take you to fuck up not so long ago? Looks like you got your answer didn't you?

"Sorry," I whimper, my voice so low I doubted she heard me, but the slight relaxation of her posture tells me otherwise. I painfully rummage two slivers out of my pocket, putting them on the ground and sliding them over to her, the coins slick with blood and rain easily sliding towards her

"One for you, and one for Cherma. Again sorry for scaring you*(if you can believe that), but thank you for worrying about me. I'll be fine! I need to get ready for the expedition tomorrow afternoon" I croak out as I limp past her prone form, heading up the stairs.

"Thank you?- WAIT COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT CEASER! YOU CAN'T JUST TRY TO MAKE ME IGNORE YOU WITH MONEY!" She somehow shrieks adorably as her hair violently goes up and down, her head clearly short-circuiting. A chuckle that comes out as a pained rasp escapes my lips as I ignore her, somehow managing to walk up the stairs and into my room.

"Mary, a hand" I wheeze, the pain far past the point I can just grin and bear. Suddenly, ashes magically surround me out of nowhere, congregating around my wrist. A soothing feeling that mortals kill for seep into my wrists, and once their job is finished they just fade from this mortal plane, leaving my arms completely healed, pain, blood, and all. Only perfect scars remain, adding to the massive pile of them on my arms. No keloids, no ugly, raised scars, only countless slashes, bite marks, cl and more that whisper of the trauma and anguish I endured.

"Thanks," I breathe out, taking off the grimy, bloody jacket that I so rudely stole from the elderly couple.

At least I paid for it.

With a sigh, I sit criss-cross applesauce on the hardwood floor, and after some time I fall into an almost meditative trance as I force my five senses inward, not outward. At first, I heard the sound of my beating heart, but that wasn't enough. I push deeper, striving to reach that sense of enlightenment. Slowly but surely, I hear my blood rushing through my veins, empowered by the wind runes I inscribed. Behind each beat of my heart, I hear the blood rushing in and out, heading to wherever my brain directs them. I feel the digested chunks of food going through my digestive tract. I feel the air-deprived portions of my body receive their lifeblood, getting the air they desperately needed.

I submerge myself in this trance for what felt like hours, making sure to engrain the feeling of truly being one with my body. Once finished with my "meditation", I silently pull Ardor from its sheathe, the small, barely audible whisper of what remains of myself preservation causing me to only hesitate for only the slightest of milliseconds. I bring my blade across my wrist, whatever small amount of blood is supposed to drop from the wound cleanly devoured by the semi-sentient blade.

As I was too busy destroying the most important law of nature, I was oblivious, well almost oblivious to the short, dark-skinned girl watching me with her jaw to the floor and her eyes to the moon.

Eh, let her watch. I'll never be seeing her again anyway, and that's for the better. For her of course

After a short while, I finally complete my last circuit of training and strip to my boxers, disinterested in the fact I still have an audience.

"The panting kinda gives it away" I quietly muse to myself, collapsing on my bed as I wonder what kind of nightmares are in store for me tonight.

*()-Judas's underlying thoughts when talking to Charlotte.