Desired Comfort

I don't know why I thought scheduling clients today was a good idea. I knew what day it was. I knew how easily my emotions were triggered. I had even refused to do emergency sessions on this day for that very reason. So why did I book four clients?! I wanted her back. I needed her back. I needed… to see, to wear, the necklace she had given me. But each time I had checked, the box had refused to open. I wanted to check, but I also didn't. I didn't know if I could take another year of not being able to open the box. To be kept from the last gift my mother had given me. But I couldn't not check.

I pulled a small box out of the closet and held it in my hand. I pulled on the lid. It still refused to come off. Tears slid down my face now. Tears I could not contain. I threw the box across the room. I curled on myself and sobbed. Why, when I wanted it so much, did the box refuse to open? My stomach grumbled loudly, but I continued to cry. I felt nauseated. I needed to eat. I needed to stuff myself with sweet potato fries, a blue cheese and turkey sandwich or two, and whatever quart of ice cream caught my fancy.

Sniffling, I staggered to my feet. I snatched my keys off the side table in the front room before I slammed my apartment door shut. I tramped down the stairs. I started to stomp down the sidewalk, changing my energetic shield to repel those around me. My Higher Self filled my chest with peace and softened my shield. I stopped. I was a man. I was a dog. I was a cat. I was a bird. While physically remaining a Human female through all four sensations. The sensation of being a man, a dog, a cat, and a bird, did not fade. I shuddered with the shift in my energy. Felt my heart rate increase with anxiety. More peace flooded my chest to try and sweep away the anxiety I felt about being a man, a dog, a cat, and a bird.

But the peace came too late to soften the spike in my hunger nausea. I stepped over to the trashcan on the corner and threw up. The crowds of people that had started to walk closer to me again put as much distance as possible between us. What kind of gift was it to feel like a starving man, dog, cat, and bird? Yes, some of the gifts I had received over the years were a little strange, but none as strange as this. I took several deep and shaky breaths before shuddering again. There was so much spinning through and around me. I felt like I was in the middle of some messed up dream.

I wiped my mouth with a tissue from my pocket and threw it away. Then I weaved my mixed body feeling self to the diner that made my comfort food.

"The usual?" the woman behind the counter asked me as I stepped in.

"Two please, I replied. "And if I could get two each of the rest of your sandwiches on lettuce that would be wonderful."

Her eyes widened slightly before her eyes scanned my body as if to pick out the signs that would indicate my need for such a large amount of food. "Sweet potato fries for all of them?" she finally asked.

"Just for the usual. The rest can have regular fries."

"Okay. But it will be a little while."

"That's fine," I replied.

She disappeared into the kitchen, but not without another look in my direction. I sat at the bar to wait. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about the necklace I could not access. As I thought about the ever settling energies that I was a man, a dog, a cat, and a bird. I didn't understand why my gifts would shift to make me feel like these beings. And these beings specifically. Guess I could be grateful that no one could see the man, the dog, the cat, the bird energy inside of me. I used a couple napkins to wipe my tears away. For several minutes I tried to steady my breath, so my tears would stop forming. But it was difficult.

"Everything okay, Miss?" the woman asked to get my attention.

I looked up at her. "Yes."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Alright." She disappeared into the kitchen once more.

I took one more breath to try and still my tears. I succeeded this time. Another few minutes passed before the woman came out of the kitchen with several sacks of take out containers. I stood as she started to ring them up. Twenty-four sandwiches all together. The woman really eyed my body when I added a quart of ice cream to my unusually large order, but said nothing. I paid for the food then carried it out of the diner. I wanted to crouch in an alley and binge. But I knew it would be best to get home first. Binge where no one would see me—even in passing.

I felt the man, the dog, the cat inside me shift as I passed one of the many alleys. The three of them stepped out of the alley behind me and followed. A stalking presence that gave me peace instead of concern. I could hear them sniffing. The sandwiches smelled wonderful. I started to climb the stairs to my apartment when the man, the dog, the cat started to reach for the bags I carried. I growled softly, feeling my energetic feathers puff up a little. The man, the dog, the cat backed off. They touched me as one, brushed against me as one, to try and soothe me. Soften me enough to let them eat what I had. But I remained unmoved.

The man, the dog, the cat followed me into my apartment. Their energy was distinct, but only one physical being stepped into my apartment with me. He was all three? I furrowed my brow as I locked the door. The man, the dog, the cat cringed. They circled around me as one when I crossed the front room into the kitchen. They were wary. They were starving. I was starving. I set the sacks of take out containers on the counter top. I put the quart of ice cream in the freezer for now. Then I took my time opening each of the take out containers. I really wanted my blue cheese and turkey lettuce wrap with sweet potato fries. I found both of them and carried them to the table. The man looked at the twenty-two remaining containers then back at me. I nodded as I opened my first container. He grabbed a stack and brought them to the table.

He opened the top one. He sniffed it. He licked it. He ate it. He lapped up the fries like a kid eating cotton candy. He licked the sauces out of the container. The man inhaled the other sandwiches and fries without a single sniff. When he finished licking the sauces out of the fourth container, he looked disappointed. I pointed to the other containers on the counter. He tipped his head to the side. I pointed again before he left the table. He returned to the counter and brought a couple more to the table. He moaned and snorted while he ate them. Happy sounds, but not entirely of the Human variety. He licked his lips when he finally felt sated. He felt content. A contentment I could not share as I gathered the man's empty containers with my own.

I threw them away. I tucked the empty sacks into the pouch hanging from my pantry door. Then I put the other containers in the fridge for later. The man, the dog, the cat remained at the table. I grabbed a large spoon and pulled out the quart of ice cream. Tears burned my dry eyes as I carried the quart into the front room. Plopping down onto my couch, I opened the container. I overfilled my spoon then shoved it into my mouth. Caramel Swirl. Perfect. I had eaten several bites before the man, the dog, the cat joined me on the couch. I fed him a spoon of it. He winced. Brain freeze. I ignored the tension in my own forehead and ate the next bite of ice cream. The man wrapped his arms around me. He brushed and kissed me in places that were arousing. I couldn't tell if he wanted sex because he could smell that my body was ready, or if he was trying to distract me from the sorrow I was trying to bury.

I looked down at my ice cream. I didn't know if having sex would help me or just complicate things. I stopped his teasing by feeding him another bite. I ate mindlessly after that. Tempting the man with another bite of ice cream when his touch became too distracting. He held me a little tighter around the waist when I dropped my spoon into the empty container. I could feel the dog ready to act. I could feel the cat patiently waiting for a sign that I was ready. The man was somewhere in the background. I trusted the man, the dog, the cat, without question. Trusted him as if we had been together longer than the last couple hours.

The man took the ice cream container off my lap and I sat up. He took it into the kitchen. I heard the spoon get set in the sink. Then he returned to the front room. I felt somewhat better after eating the ice cream. My eyes burned now. I was tired. Yet, beneath it all, I still wanted to wear my mother's necklace. Still wanted to wear the one thing I felt would bring me closer to her. I rubbed my eyes. I wanted to shut down. I wanted to stop wishing for something that was never going to happen. I entered the bathroom to prepare for bed.