chapter 1: disapiontment

when I feel alone, in a place with many people I panic. I try not to cry because crying infront of people is weak. I am used to being alone but in a crowded area it's really hard. I feel like I'm drowning slowly and painfully. I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, there has to be at least one other person that feels the same way. if I overthink too much i find myself questioning my whole life. i start remembering all my mistakes and failures, and I think of ways that I could have changed the outcome of everything. It hurts my metal health because I know that I can't change anything from my past but, debep down I still wish to be able to change everything. I wish that I never had opened up to anyone because, at the end they never care or they even find joy in my pain. I wish that I find myself one day, I find the joy I lost at a young age because of my ED.