1 P.S. What is Your Height?

I could hear my heels echo as I walked up the ramp from the dark interior, guiding the way outside where I could hear the sounds of the crowd cheering at full strength. I looked across the sea of people over to the stage. They would be performing there later today... My arms were covered in chills at the thought. Banners decorated the stadium, this was a charity event. All of the participating bands were listed. I didn't recognize many of the names, so it wasn't a big deal that my transportation was late. My anger faded away now that I was inside the stadium. I stood there and smiled to myself, I'm here! I'm really here! My lips broke apart with my big smile. I found their name written on the big yellow banner with black text. I'm about to see BTS live for the first time in person! I couldn't contain my excitement and cheered for the unknown band who was on stage.

Me being here at this event was unexpected. The charity concert was known for some time, but I don't follow many styles of music so I didn't take much interest in going. I just like the things that make me feel good. That day when I was out shopping, I was enjoying my day as usual - buying the necessities, visiting the stores I liked and impulse purchasing the things I would discover inside. That's when a newspaper display rack caught my attention. "BTS" was splayed in a large font on the front page, I walked over to pick one up. At first, I wasn't much of a fan of the band BTS, but I had an inside hand that developed my interest. I knew Jimin.

Well... not really in person. We've never actually met, but I've known him for years. Back when we were kids, our class was teaching us how to write a letter. The school thought it would be fun to give us real practice, so we were given pen pals. Like everyone in the class, we were told to write a little bit about ourselves. I wrote about my interests such as my favorite food at that time - but no music interests. It wasn't that I hated music or anything. I just didn't have any favorites. There weren't any particular songs that made me feel especially good. The only things that made me feel good at that time was food.

I loved food. At first I used to be scared to try new things, but this one time I was really surprised. I went with my family out shopping as we often did on the weekend. If I was good, sat patiently, and didn't yell or fuss, I would get ice cream as a treat before we went home. I always asked for the same flavor and didn't care if there was anything new. I knew what I liked, so I would always pick that.

That day, my mom didn't buy the ice cream as usual. I was out shopping with other relatives. But the rules of our shopping trip remained the same. At least, I thought they were... At the end of day, I wasn't asked what flavor of ice cream I wanted. I was just given one. I started to complain, but my relative told me to try it. It was her favorite, "You might like it," she said. I was reluctant... I felt that I was being cheated out of something that I deserved. I had waited all day for this, I wanted to be happy and taste my favorite flavor. But... this other ice cream was already in my hand, and it looked pretty, so I tried it. The taste felt sour, it wasn't the flavor I wanted it to be. I fought against the taste, I wanted to hate it and make them take it back. But the sour taste caught my interest. I tried it again, curious what it was doing to my tongue. I fell in love with the fruit that ice cream was made from. That day, it became my new favorite. Now I like to try different foods, because sometimes I find something that I never imagined could exist. And that makes me happy.

Music never did anything like that for me, so I chose to not write about music in my letter. It seemed like a small thing to not write about, but it was a very important detail to me. About two weeks later, our class received our first letters back from our pen pals. The teacher had told us that our writing lesson was finished and the letters were ours to do with as we pleased. It wasn't required that we write back to our pen pal, but she encouraged us to try. Just because these people didn't live close, and we may not be interested in writing on paper, we should try to make friends with them. Since I wasn't allowed to own a phone yet, I thought this would be fun. It was exciting to learn about someone who lived far away. I wasn't sure what to expect when I looked at the sealed envelope. Would I like this person? Would they hate me?

I took the letter home without opening it. I wanted to think about what type of letter I would write back to. My feelings from before had changed. Since we were both only doing the work we were asked to do, I no longer expected my pen pal to like me or hate me. Instead, I wanted to know if I were to write this pen pal, would they write back to me? I made up my mind that I would only write to them if the letter they wrote made me happy.

I opened the envelope. It was only a single page. I turned over and checked both sides. My pen pal didn't write much. I was kind of disappointed. "Dear Y/N, my name is Park Jimin. I'm a boy. Thank you for writing to me. I am very focused today and don't want to write a lot, can you help me?" He wrote a math problem. I imagined him to be one of those kids who could barely keep up in class. I told myself I wasn't going to write him back, but then I looked at the math problem. Was this boy in the next year of school? I understood part of it, but it was a big problem, and really difficult. But we weren't passing notes to each other in class, didn't he know how long it would take to get a letter in the mail? If I did write an answer, he would have already used his teacher or the computer to help him. At the very bottom of the page was more text, "P.S. What is your height?" I giggled to myself. I mulled the letter over, feeling like it was a test. If I wrote to this boy, I was certain that he would write back. But only if I got the answer to his question right...

I have written to Jimin for years now. We still send handwritten letters to each other every two weeks. We've never used the phone, we only talk with each other through our letters. It's slow, but I usually know about all the concerts and shows where they were going to play. That's why when I saw the headline in this paper that BTS was going to play at the charity concert, I was shocked. How did I not know about this? I grabbed a copy of the paper and left the store. I wanted ice cream. I found a place where I could sit, enjoy my food, and read the article.

"BTS is currently between shows for their current tour. Initially, when they were asked to perform at the event, their producer Big Hit declined the invitation due to their tour schedule. However, when one of the charities performers had to cancel. The event coordinators reached out again. They needed to fill a smaller, earlier time slot, and asked if one of the other artists produced by Big Hit would like to perform. Big Hit responded that one of their concert dates was rescheduled, and that BTS would gladly be there. However, since this wasn't a formal concert, Big Hit requested that their boys be allowed to perform as they liked during that time slot. They wanted to give BTS the opportunity to show off some of their individual talents. The request was granted. This means that BTS might perform one of their earlier hit songs, a pure dance performance, one of their solo tracks, or even something like a variety show. They were given the…" *PLOP* My ice cream dripped onto the page. I was so absorbed into the article that I let my ice cream melt faster than I was able to eat it.

The news struck me personally. Last week, in Jimin's letter, he said he was enjoying himself on tour and asked me about my favorite food. "Hello Y/N, What is it that makes you change your favorite food? I like to perform the songs that are popular to Army. They come to our show to see us perform for them and I want them to leave satisfied. But for us, it becomes different after we finish a tour, we want a break from performing those same songs. So how is it for you? Do you eat your favorite food because you simply want to be satisfied? Do you only try new foods because after a long time you want a break?" I didn't have an answer for his question right away. No one has ever challenged me in this way. But it struck me now, because it's exactly like the situation he would be in at the charity event. Jimin has a chance to perform something different. Something like trying a new food. I had to make sure he didn't waste this chance. "P.S. How tall are you?"

That week, it was my turn to write a letter. "Hi Jimin, Food makes me happy, trying a new food is sometimes frightening. I don't know if I will like it or not. The point isn't to try all the different foods available and then select the best thing to eat. The point for me is the experience of eating one new food, and trying to be satisfied with the result. It's a risk, but the feeling of taking that risk and not knowing the result is exciting. Sometimes I discover something that I will love. I know you have asked me to come see you in concert before. But I think music is just like food. It only tastes good to me when I'm hungry. I don't think I will be hungry for music if I went to a concert. I only listen when my emotions need that kind of food. But I just learned about your charity event. I think this will be a good chance for you to take a risk, and do something without knowing the result. To encourage you, I will do the same. I am coming to the charity event to see you perform. I hope you take this risk with me, and find the same love that I have."

The concert was about a month away still.. The following weeks, I didn't get a letter back from Jimin. It has happened before. But this time felt different - call it intuition. I couldn't help but think about the way I had worded my response. '...find the same love that I have.' I felt like I just made a love confession. I didn't mean to... at least I don't think I meant to. There are a lot of reasons I could like him, but I've never met him in person. Yes, I've seen his videos, and I could be attracted to him like many Armys. But he's never seen me, I don't think I'm bad looking, it's just that I don't think you can like someone if you've never met them. I started to regret what I had said. Did I just ruin our friendship? I vowed to wait one more week to see if his letter was late. Nothing arrived. It was my turn to write again. I didn't want to say anything stupid, so I took a picture of my ticket to the charity event, printed it, and mailed it to him. "P.S. I was 173cm tall the last time I was examined." It's an odd tradition of his to ask my height. I forgot to answer him in my last letter, so I posted it now. As it turned out, this would be the last letter either of us would be able to send and have delivered before the show.

I was excited, my arms still had goosebumps. I didn't know who was performing, but the music made me feel like I was the star of an action movie. Though I wasn't sure I was hungry to be an action hero, I started to walk back inside of the stadium. I needed another snack... I had one in my hand already. I stopped myself and started to walk towards my seat. I hesitated again. 'trying new food is sometimes frightening'. I repeated the words in my letter to myself. '...sometimes I will discover something that I love.' This was why I came here. I rocked on my heels for a few more seconds. The music made me feel good. The crowd made me feel happy. It didn't matter what song was playing, just being there I felt really alive. I wanted to enjoy it. So I took a quick cleansing breath to prepare myself, and walked over to my assigned seat. I was seated pretty far back from the stage. I suppose that was to be expected though since I purchased my ticket so late. It was only a single ticket, most people don't like to sit by themselves, but this suited me just fine. I wasn't here to meet with friends, I was here to see Jimin on stage. My body felt hot, this was a new thrilling experience for me. And I wasn't sure if I liked it just yet.

Just as I started to relax and enjoy myself, the performer finished his song and said goodbye. The next band would be BTS, the person talking over the microphone just said so. The audience exploded in cheers. There was no way to not be excited. I felt my eyes starting to tear up, I was so thrilled. Some of Army chattered amongst themselves about what song they were going to play first. Many people expressed their wishes. I asked my feelings what they were 'hungry' for right now. I didn't get an answer, I only cared about seeing them on stage right now. I didn't want to wait, the anticipation was killing me. There was a scream, "I love you!" One of the boys was seen from the side of the stage. I couldn't see who it was but I could see the girls that were close to the stage screaming and cheering. I looked to both sides of the stage, was there someone peeking out? There were lots of people running around on the stage pulling wires, and moving boxes.

It was daytime, but I could clearly see the stage lights go off. This was it! The large digital screens behind the stage were pure black. Jin and Jimin came out from opposite sides of the stage, the crowd erupted into a new wave of cheers. The screens came to life with all kinds of digital effects. The two boys came to the front of the stage, waved, and greeted us all very casually. They even greeted each other, patting each other on the shoulder before separating. Jin went to the center of the stage and picked up a guitar while Jimin sat down at the piano off to the side. Jimin started playing House Of Cards. He was playing softly, but the energy of the audience was the opposite. We were all so loud that we had to restrain ourselves in order to hear him play. He noticed this as well and started to play louder. Then one by one, each of the other boys came out on to the stage when it was their turn to sing. I didn't know their performance well enough that I could follow who sang which parts. I suppose other Army would judge me for that, but I only listened to BTS because Jimin encouraged me to try it in one of our letters. I knew Jimin was supposed to sing in this song, but this time he was only playing the piano and Jin was only playing the guitar. There were other musicians in the back of the stage to play the drums and the other instruments. It was different, but it still sounded reminiscent of the way I remembered the song. Tae ran over to the back and put on his Saxophone, then came center stage to play a short part. It was kind of comical, but it was still very good in its own way. J-hope was then in front of the five members singing. He did some exaggerated sexy solo dancing, and we laughed, but it was still great. This wasn't a BTS concert where they were doing their best to impress us. They were here to entertain us, by making fun of themselves and allowing us to have a fun time together. I felt that they were being very respectful to the other performers who came here to play for the sake of the charity.

After the song was over, the other BTS members left the stage. Jimin remained by himself, playing soft chords on the piano. The cameras focused in and I could see him on the large screens. It was a gentle sound, like a love song. It transitioned very well from House Of Cards. I didn't recognize the song. Maybe it was a cover to some song I didn't know? Then Jimin started to sing. "Is this a new song?" I heard someone question behind me. He was doing it! My body shivered. He was trying what I would have called a new food. He wouldn't know if we would like this song or not, but he was doing it anyways! I was so happy for him.

And then he said it, "ice cream girl". My mouth fell open. Wait. Was he singing about me? I started to shake, and my hands felt so cold. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't think I heard his words clearly. He sang something about confessing his love to one girl, and the same day another girl confessed her love to him. Did he really take my letter to be a confession? The chorus was about his feelings, not wanting to break a girls heart as if it were his own.. Then there was a pause. Jimin looked down at his hands, he was breathing hard. "Jimin~" one of Army called out to him, many Armys followed calling his name and shouting words of encouragement. He played a chord on the piano and let it ring out. He just stared. He didn't make a mistake, he was just overcome by his emotions... "You can do it!" someone else called out, and we all cheered for him again. He looked up at us through the camera and smiled, but there was a tear that fell. I could see it on the big monitor. I felt a chill because of the pain I saw in his eyes. I suddenly felt 'hungry' for a song. It was one of Jimin's, I didn't know the lyrics very well, so I only sang the chorus. "Let me love, you." The people closest to me started to follow along. "Just let me love, you." By the time I started to repeat the chorus, the entire audience was singing in unison. Jimin smiled bashfully, and he dropped his head down. He looked back at the camera and carefully wiped at his tears. He pushed back the piano bench and stood up. We sang the chorus a third time. Jimin ran up to a microphone on the stage and picked it up. He was smiling, but I could see on the monitor that his jaw was trembling. As we finished singing a fourth time, he put the mic to his lips, "Love me now~" we cheered, "Touch me now~" The entire audience came to life with so much energy. There was nothing but screams and cheers as he sang. "Let's me love, you," and echoed back, "Let me love, let me love, let me love you." Jimin continued to sing the short verse afterwards. "Since the moment of the universe's creation, Everything was already determined, Just let me love you." As Jimin sang the words of the chorus, he pointed at the audience drawing a line from one side of the arena to the other, "Let me love, you." He then drew a line from the sky, and down in front of him. His hand came to rest pointing exactly where I was sitting... I felt like I was under an invisible spotlight. I was no longer singing, I stood frozen in a stunned silence. There was absolutely no way he could see me from this distance, it had to just be a coincidence. But then my mind clicked. I remembered the picture of the ticket I had sent. Jimin knew exactly where I would be sitting! I think I dropped the snack I had in my hand. It didn't matter, I wasn't hungry anymore. As the chorus finished, the other BTS members came out and hugged Jimin. Everyone was cheering. I was too overcome by my own feelings, I cried. I think Jimin cried too.

A couple of weeks later, I got a letter from Jimin. I brought the letter inside without reading it right away. I wanted to think about what had happened. I haven't watched any of the videos that were posted online after the event. I loved the experience just the way I had remembered it. It was like my own personal flavor. I didn't want anything to spoil it. I hoped that Jimin's letter wouldn't ruin that memory. I think I didn't want to open it, I just held it in my hands and started at it. I lost myself to the memory, recalling all the things that had happened. I didn't stay for the rest of the concert. I listened to BTS finish their set from inside the stadium, then I went home. I just couldn't bear standing in that invisible spotlight again. I rewinded my memory to before that moment. All the good things I had felt, I started to shake, still overwhelmed by all the feelings as they came back to me. To comfort myself I sang Serendipity aloud to myself just as Jimin sang it to us. When I got to the line 'Everything was already determined' I relaxed, I ripped the corner of the letter open. It was already written, all I had to do was look at it. "My friend Y/N, I'm happy you came to our show. I wanted you to know, I got two letters in the mail from you last time. One of them was the letter I had mailed to you. I think someone's package had leaked into the mail after I sent it to you. The ink with your address was too badly damaged and couldn't be read by the postal service, so they sent it back to me. I hope you are not angry, but I want to keep the things I said in that letter for myself. Is that okay? We have already left the country and are going to continue our tour..." I blanked out the rest of what was written, I tried to read it again, but the most important part was already said. I wondered who were the girls he sang about that day at the charity event. If one of them was me, who was the other? The internet has asked when he will release a full version of the song he sang, but Big Hit hasn't released any information about that. 'The boys were given the freedom to perform as they liked.' I thought again about the words he sang, he didn't want to break a girls heart as if it were his own. I think Jimin's letter being damaged was just another moment the universe had already predetermined. I don't think anyone would want to be in that situation, and have to make such a heartbreaking choice. The universe saved Jimin from that. I think I will always wonder what that letter said. And maybe I will secretly wish to myself at night what I would have liked it to say. But I am happy with the outcome. I still have Jimin as my friend.

I usually wait a week before writing back to Jimin. But this time was different. I walked over to my desk and immediately started, "I learned a lot about myself going to that concert. It didn't matter what sort of musical food was being served. It was like a surprise birthday party. It doesn't matter what food you eat at a party. You enjoy it because of the people, and the celebration. You must have a lot of fun to create that celebration for Armys every time you go on stage. Please tell me the next time you will be playing a concert here? I think I will like to see you again. But I would like to make a small request. Could you get me a ticket closer to the stage?

P.S. I visited the doctor a few days ago for my checkup. I am now 174cm tall!"