1 Her previous life

Have I finally died? After 17 years of suffering, death finally took me! After 17 years of abandonment, I am actually dead?

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The day I was born introduced the beginning of my tragic life… the first problem was: I wasn't born a boy. I don't know what day and age this "mother" of mine thought it was, but apparently, I should've been born a boy. It was something like, the woman HAD to have a boy.

At the beginning, my first 15 years of life, I thought all orphanages were the way I've always seen them. You know, work to eat etcetera, etcetera. If I disobeyed, the quality of the food I ate decreased. Furthermore, I was given the basement to live in. The room, itself, was quite big but so cold! Freezing! And during the summer... it was too hot!

At the age of 15 I was told I had a twin brother. I was told the reason my mother left me. And also the reason she didn't care. Many orphans at this orphanage were given keepsakes from their family. Me, on the other hand, was left with nothing. Not even a good set of clothes. It was only then I understood what was going to become of my life. I had no reason to wait.

I guess the person who's watching over me then, wondered why I don't plan on avenging the way I'd been treated and reclaim my supposed heritage. The way I saw it was that I shouldn't be ruining my life even further than it had already gotten. Imagine, the state I was in then but even worse. Who knows what my actions could've led to? I was to unknowledgeable about the world to do anything. I was also unwanted.

Is jail better than this orphanage? Apparently, there are all sorts of people there, for all sorts of crimes. Is that true? I wouldn't know… I was only let outside when I was 16.

When I was allowed to leave the orphanage for the first time, I was ecstatic. I behaved extra good that week to be allowed out. I cleaned each and every room, helped cook and stayed quiet. I made sure not to make a single sound. That was how I had spent my time at the place. I hadn't spoken since I was 10, that was when I realised my opinions didn't matter.

Life at this orphanage wasn't too bad at first. Maybe it was because they treated me well… well, out of pity. However, not long after I joined the orphanage, bad things started to happen. Of course, they blamed me for it. I just happened to be there at the time… The head's mother passed away, an illness broke out, many more deaths, near-bankruptcy, a fire broke out… the list goes on! Maybe I was an unlucky person… but if I was unlucky would I have been given this opportunity?

All I have ever wanted was a happy family. A loving mother, a caring father, some fun siblings. All I have ever wanted was love. Of course, this didn't happen in this life, so I pray for it to happen in my next. All the books I had access to taught me to remain positive regardless of the situation. Maybe it's actually working.

On January 15 20XX, I set out for my daily errand. However, I never made it back. That day was the day I died, at 17. But that day is also the day I'm happy for. It would be a lie if I said I regretted dying. I was happy to finally leave the terrible life.

Embarrassing as it is to say, since I was told to write everything, I'll write it. I was hit by a truck. I thought it only happened in dramas and webtoons! However, if it hadn't been me, then the little child would no longer be alive. His family would be mourning his death. So many people would be saddened. Thankfully, because it was me who died, no one will mourn it. Everyone from the orphanage hated me. Maybe I'll be remembered as a hero?

Everything happened so fast, I pushed the boy out of the way, but couldn't move myself before the truck hit. It was painful. It hurt like hell. But then, one look at the boy, I was happy. I thought, 'at least it wasn't him.'

And here's where it went weird, I could see my body. My soul had left it. I am the soul.

I had looked at my broken self, but I didn't cry then. There's nothing I'll ever miss from that time…

After one last look, I made my way towards my "guide" and he took me to this place. It was beautiful. All sorts of animals and flowers that I had always dreamed of and wished to see. Can I now say I died with no regrets?

I'm still sitting in this garden writing this diary thing. The ethereal, pretty fairy told me to write this before I leave for my next life. He was very kind to me.

I won't remember this life ever again but the feelings I've felt will remain. Experiences that I gained can also remain. I'm glad that I'll forget this time.

Now I'll say my good-bye… Goodbye! I'll have to hope I wont re-enter this 'gardens of regrets' again. I hope to have a beautiful new life…