Feeling Unworthy of Love

Happy reading

 I washed my face which had been swollen from shedding tears for too long for a man who was worshiped like a god, but instead he tore the soul apart violently.  Supposedly, a king was wise in solving love problems.  I'm the queen, but it's just a title.  The queen who is only showered with luxury in the palace.  However, his heart was allowed to wither and dry out.

 Everything needs money, but money is not everything.  There is one thing that nothing can buy, that is love.  Sometimes there is a question tucked in the heart, as a man what is the reason if only to have this self.

 I grabbed the jeans jacket hanging behind the door and quickly put it on.  Too long in this house only makes me more claustrophobic.  I need some fresh air and a moment to calm my mind.  I want to go to my parents' house and complain to them like a child who has just lost a toy.  However, I discouraged it.  Besides being embarrassed, I don't want to be a burden on their minds.

 After closing and making sure the door was locked, I started my favorite automatic motor.  Actually, there was a car that Bang Reno gave me as a birthday present a few months ago.  However, I'm more comfortable using a motorbike.  Besides being faster, I'm not too used to driving a car.

 I drove through the streets of the capital city which was quite congested at this hour with an unknown feeling.  The sun's rays that began to creep up made the dizziness in the head grow stronger.  Several times I almost collided with other riders and no doubt curses and curses came out of their mouths.  However, the only thing I could say was sorry, and then I started walking again.  Maybe if they don't see I'm a woman, they've prolonged the problem.  It is very dangerous to drive a vehicle when our minds are not focused.

 I took off my helmet and let the wind hit my face.  Down the highway without a destination.  Then, it suddenly occurred to me to go somewhere familiar and meet someone.  I don't know why right now, I really want to meet him.

 Now, here I am.  In front of the glass door of a house as well as a music studio that I often go to.  Today there is no band practice schedule, but I just wanted to stop by to just unwind.  Maybe doing what I love can make this feeling a little better.

 I rang the bell beside the door impatiently, hoping that the occupant of the place would open it soon.  Then, not long after, the door swung open revealing the figure of a tall man with messy hair and the look on the face of someone who wakes up.

 "Rara...?"  Ryo's face looked shocked mixed with confusion as if he couldn't believe that what was in front of him was me.

 "Why?"  he asked again in a worried tone.

 Maybe it's because I saw how pathetic I was.  Swollen and puffy eyes, and a pale face.

 "May I come in, Yo?"  I didn't answer the question.

 Ryo opened the door wide and let me in.  However, just as my feet took a few steps inward, the pain in my head became more and more intense and my body felt very weak, then suddenly my vision darkened.

 Ryo reflex caught my body.  I could barely hear Ryo's voice calling my name and I could still feel him gently patting this cheek.  Then, I couldn't realize what happened after that.

 I slowly opened my eyes, then squinted slightly at the glare of the glowing lights.  I massaged my forehead to relieve the dizziness.  Tried to get up, but my body felt very weak.  The pain in the stomach is now creeping into the pit of the heart.  Unknowingly tears rolled down from the corners of his eyes.  I cried without tears.  Enduring the pain that engulfs my body and soul.  Instantly crossed my mind, am I going to die today?

 The sound of approaching footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts.  The masculine scent is getting stronger in the sense of smell.  Ryo looks tidier than the first time he came and ... smells good.  It looked like she had just taken a shower, judging by the wetness of her hair.  He pulled out a chair and sat right next to me.  For a moment I was stunned to see it.

"Are you awake? Still have a headache?"  Ryo asked softly while wiping my tears.  I just silently accepted his treatment.

 "Drink first, please!"  He helped me to get up, then handed me a glass of warm sweet tea which had been on the nightstand along with a black plastic wrap.

 "I'm sure you haven't eaten since this morning, or it could be from last night," he said as he opened the Styrofoam which turned out to be filled with rice porridge.

 I was a little taken aback by what he just said.  How could he know that?  My stomach hasn't been filled with anything since last night.

 "I'll feed you, okay?"  That sounds like an order not a question.  Suddenly, I opened my mouth when a spoonful of porridge was thrust at me.

 "You've been unconscious for quite a while, almost two hours. Makes you panic, you know?"  Ryo spoke while feeding me.

 "Huh? Two hours?"  I've been mute for a while.

 "Yes. My back hurts, here! Carry you from the bottom to the top. It turns out that you are too heavy, yes, just a small body."  Ryo spoke while holding his waist, his face made of annoyance.

 I laughed at his behavior.  Instantly, I felt excited again.  Slowly, this confusion in my heart disappeared.

 "Sorry, yes!"  We looked at each other for a moment, then Ryo looked down and fed me again.

 "No matter how big a problem, you shouldn't hurt yourself."  Ryo started lecturing me.  I don't know why today he is very chatty, not like usual.

 "Love can, stupid don't!"  he continued.

 "Smart ass!"  I muttered with pursed lips.

 "I know," said Ryo not wanting to lose.  "Fighting with your husband because he didn't come home last night?"

 I was silent for a moment, hearing Ryo's question made me remember what Bang Reno said this morning.  The wound opened again.

 "I'm tired, Yo..."  she whispered with her eyes wide.

 "Do I really not deserve to be loved, Yo?"  I glared at Ryo.  As if not running out of stock, my tears fell again for the umpteenth time.

 Ryo takes me in his arms and rests my head on his chest.  Gently strokes long hair.

 "No. You are worth it, Ra!"  he whispered right in my ear.

 "Do I not deserve to be loved, Yo?"

 "No. You are worth it, Ra!"

 The words that Ryo whispered right in the ear made my sobs break out and buried my face deeper into his chest.  He didn't care about his eyes and nose dripping wet his clothes.  I just want to vent all this tightness.

 Ryo tightened his embrace even more as his hand gently stroked my hair as if he wanted to give me peace through it.  I could feel him kissing the top of my head.  I know we shouldn't be like this.  However, right now I just need someone who can support my helplessness.  I need someone to express all the emotions of the soul that I've been holding back and that person is Ryo.

 We sat in silence for a moment, not a word was spoken.  Only my sobs could be heard in the room.  I was lost in Ryo's embrace and caress.  All of that calmed me down a bit.

 "I'm tired, Yo," I whispered in between sobs that began to subside.

 "Cry! If it makes you better," he whispered without letting go of his hand.

 I lifted my head from his embrace, then looked at the man who had brown eyes.  Then, without hesitation I shared my problem with Bang Reno.  Everything.  Things I never told anyone, not even my own parents.  Now, I devote to Ryo, the man who has recently filled my days.

 Ryo listens to all the complaints, pain, and the contents of my heart that I express with great attention.  Even so, he didn't say a word.  He didn't make any comments at all.  However, I could see his face stiffen a little when I told him.  Time and again I found his jaw tightened accompanied by a long sigh.  I don't know if I got carried away with emotion or what I don't understand.

 He rubbed his thumb against my cheek as the warm beads fell back and left a trail of wetness.  The grip of his hand seemed to give me strength.  His treatment made me feel more worthy.  I sighed, then paused for a moment as I thought I had nothing more to say.

 "Did you tell the story? Feeling better now?"  he asked, his lips curled upwards.

 "Thanks, yes, I wanted to hear it," I replied, smiling back at him.

Well, that's it.  Smile." Ryo pinched my nose. "Don't cry.  If her tears turn into pearls, it's okay."

 I lightly hit his shoulder and we laughed.  The crying that had previously reigned was now replaced by a symphony that echoed in the wound.  Life is that funny sometimes.  When you feel happy to the point of shedding tears, at the same time you laugh at your own sadness.  Vice versa.

 Our gazes locked for a while after our laughter died down.  Dive into each other's feelings that are difficult to interpret.  A feeling that I don't know since when.

 "Come on, I'll take you home," said Ryo breaking the silence between the two of us.

 He looked a little nervous and occasionally glanced around in any direction.  Suddenly he got up from his seat, but I held his hand.  I just realized that the way we talk is different from usual, instead of using the word 'lo' 'me' and I like it even though it's a little strange at first.

 "I don't want to go home now," I said as I lifted my head, looking into his face.  No doubt, Ryo sat back in front of me.

 "Where are you going?"  Ryo frowned.

 "Up to you!"  I answered briefly while shaking my head.

 Ryo sighed and rubbed his face roughly.  Did I misspoke, huh?  Why does he seem to be holding something back?

 "Yeah, come on, come with me!"  suddenly asked.

 "Where to?"

 "He said it was up to him."

 "Eh, but you better wash your face first. I don't want to go out with a girl with swollen eyes, a red nose like a clown," Ryo teased me again.

 "Ish, that sucks!"  I pursed my lips.

 Ryo stood up and took the motorcycle keys on the nightstand.

 "I'm waiting downstairs, okay!"

 "I could be wrong, I've been alone with you for a long time," he mumbled while wearing a brown bomber jacket.

 "What?"  I asked to confirm what I had just heard, but it wasn't very clear.

 "It's okay," he answered as he walked away from me, then out of this room.

 I got up from the single bed wrapped in blue sheets, matching the color of the walls of the room.  For a moment, my eyes scanned the entire room.  This is the first room I entered while in this studio.  For a man, this room is fairly neat and clean.

 The walls of this room are decorated with several quotes that are framed and decorated in such a way.  Meanwhile, on the other hand there is a medium-sized sofa facing a wide-sized television.  I walked to the bathroom door in the corner of the room and opened it.

 I smiled sadly at my reflection in the sink mirror.  That's exactly what Ryo said.  My current appearance is a complete mess.  All this because of Bang Reno.  Ah, I remember it again.

 I polished a little makeup to make it look fresher after washing this messy face.  Messy hair I comb through my fingers.

 I descended the stairs after confirming my appearance was quite better than before.  I saw Ryo sitting in the living room playing the guitar with his legs stretched out on the table.  Instantly he turned to me, then put the guitar next to his body.

 "Already prepared?"

 "Yes Boss!"

 "Okay, come on!"

 We walked out, then Ryo opened the door at the same time Sakti came.  Sakti looked surprised to see the two of us.  Because this is outside rehearsal and there are only the two of us in this studio.  He must be thinking different things right now.

 Continued