CHAPTER 6

Today marks 1 month of my moving here and my friendversary with Krystal, Maika and Jordan (somewhat). He picked me up every day and we fell asleep to each other's voices every night. And no, we are not dating. Oh and I think he's Jace's best friend now seeing as he's over almost every day. Barf. Back to the present day, alarm clocks are a pain in my ass. Who the fuck just wakes up and thinks, 'hey! I've got this stupid idea! Let's make this loud ass device that deprives people of sleep and makes them temporarily deaf at 6:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!' And my alarm clock isn't an exception. It's almost like it was custom made for me. Why oh why couldn't it be this soft sound that would later blend in with my dream? But no. It had to be this extremely loud, incessant, screeching noise in my ear.

Just great.

I jolted up from sleep and started to pat aimlessly for the snooze button on my alarm clock. But as my wonderful luck should have it, it was nowhere to be found. So, what did I do, you may ask? Well, normal people would wake up gently, yawn softly and put off the alarm. But I'm not normal. No. I'm far from it. I rolled over to my nightstand, picked up the alarm in my palm and threw it against the wall. Hard. Hard enough to break it into teeny tiny uncountable bits and pieces. Oops. Guess I'm going alarm shopping later. But hey, on the bright side, it stopped the loud screeching. I wonder if you threw annoying people against the wall, they'll shatter into numerous pieces. That'll really work for a certain blonde boy with ocean blue eyes and appealing reddish lips. I'm not calling names but I think you know who I'm talking about *nudge nudge wink wink*

I lazily rolled off my bed – and by that I mean that I was laying on my stomach and I crossed my right leg over my left leg and pulled myself up – and got into my en suite bathroom. I was about to take my bath then I remembered that I start my period today. Am I not just fucking lucky? I do the necessities in the bathroom, making sure to shower with scalding hot water because it helps with the cramps (I don't know, I'm weird. Leave me the fuck alone.) And after 30 minutes, I'm done. I grab my fluffy white towel and wrap it over my small figure and step out of the bathroom. I stroll over to my underwear drawer and pick out a white Victoria Secret lace bra and matching panties. I saunter over to my closet and throw on a cute, black crop top that says PINK in bold, pink, block letters and high-waist black jeans that are ripped from my mid-thigh to my mid-calf with cute black shoes. I walk off to my vanity mirror and put on a bit of nude eye shadow, eyeliner, 2 coats of mascara and lip-color lip gloss. I take out my curling iron and decide to make my hair into large waves. I look at my reflection in the mirror and pucker my lips and mock diva style and giggle quietly to myself. I give myself a once over in my full-length mirror. Halfway down the stairs, the familiar scent of pancakes hit my nose and I could feel my mouth watering.

"Morning, annoying twin brother of mine." I chirped as I entered the kitchen.

"Morning, equally as annoying twin sister of mine." He replies but with less enthusiasm than me. I overlook it and carry on.

"Mhmmm…you're cooking pancakes?" I ask because quite frankly, mama loves me some goood pancakes.

He gives me a pointed look. "No. I'm tap-dancing on the kitchen counter wearing only a tutu with my partner, a monkey named Bobo." He retorts, this time, with the smallest of smiles on his face. I ignore his sad demeanor and continue. Eh, it must be nothing. Jace is known to have more mood swings than a PMSing 14 year old.

"Shut up, smartass. Mom usually cooks pancakes. Where is she, by the way?" I ask and watch as his face changes.

"Mom? Who's mom? I don't know any 'mom'." He says, a nervous look on his face as he fidgets.

"Mom mom. You know, the woman that harbored us in her stomach and shot us out of her hoohaa 9 months later mom?" Something's up. I can feel it.

"Oh, that mom. I-I don't k-know." He stutters. Yep, something's definitely wrong. Let this fact be known. Jace walker doesn't stutter. Unless he's lying or nervous and something tells me it's both.

"Jace…Where. Is. Mom?" I ask yet again, my voice dropping to an octave lower. He should know better than to keep this up when my voice is like this. He sighs and hands me a white envelope that has been previously opened, our names adorning it in beautiful, cursive letters that could only belong to one person – mom. "Jace…what's this?" Tears prick my eyes as I take out a handwritten note that had been folded in half. Please let this not be what I'm thinking it is. My legs started feeling wobbly so I took a seat on the kitchen counter. I unfolded the letter and started reading it with glassy eyes.

My dearest Jace and Lexi,

Oh, my sweet, sweet babies. If you're reading this letter, it means that I must be long gone by now, gone beyond human reach even. I understand if you're confused and probably hate me now, but you must know that I had to do this, for both of you and for me. I was diagnosed of severe depression and bipolar disorder 2 years ago. I couldn't bring myself to tell either of you because I couldn't bear to see how crushed you could have been. When your father left, I tried to hold it together for the both of you but I just couldn't. That was why I buried myself in my work and kept away from both of you. Trust me when I say that I didn't mean to grow so distant from the both of you but it was mandatory that I do so. Recently, despite the meds, my suicidal thoughts have been clouding my common reasoning and I'm too ashamed to admit that I let it. I couldn't possibly do it at home for the fear of either one of one finding me in that state, so I left. It's crushing me, killing me that I wouldn't be there when you graduate, or get into college, or getting married, or when you have your first child but I had to. I left to go to another country, another continent even. Please don't try to look for me. In the envelope is my will of everything I owned and acquired. Do not worry about me for everything would be fine. Try to reconnect with your father even if it kills you for this is my dying wish. Take care of each other and stay strong for all of us. Always remember me because I would never forget you. This isn't goodbye for we will meet again at the other side of the rainbow. Just know that I love you, forever and always.

Mom xx

I let out a shaky breath and looked down at the paper, fresh tears decorating it. I realized they were mine but I just couldn't stop them. I went over the letter over and over wishing and praying desperately that the content should just miraculously change but it never did. I could feel each word and syllable crush my breath until I'm gasping for breath. I feel the ground beneath me cave until I'm falling…falling into this deep, dark abyss, never landing, never stopping, never saved.

"N-No. No, it can't be. She's still here. I know she is. She can't leave me. She promised." I repeated to myself like a mantra, dropping to the floor and cradling my legs, rocking back and forth.

"Lexi…" Jace starts but stops when I jerk away from him. "No. No! Don't touch me! She's okay! She's here. Stop trying to tell me otherwise. Tell me she's here. Tell me she didn't…" I trail off, unable to find the words to complete my sentence. It's not true. I know it's not.

"Lexi…" he starts again but I still jerk away. "No! You're lying! She's okay. She has to be. She just has to be. Maybe she's in her room. Yes! She has to be in her room." I clutch the letter close to my chest and run upstairs to my mother's bedroom and kick the door open. "Mom? Mom! Where are you? You win. I fell for it. You can come out now." My voice cracks as I talk. "Mom? Mom, please I need you." My voice is completely broken, hurt seeping through every edge. It comes out as nothing but a quiet whisper. I crawl over to her closet and take out her favorite sweater and throw it on, engulfing myself in her scent of honey and flowers. I slumped down by her bedside, still clutching the letter tightly and hugging myself to allow her scent spread over my body. I heard footsteps at the door but I really couldn't be bothered. The person settles himself beside me and cradles me against his hard muscular body but I couldn't care less. All I want is my mom. God, I'm such a horrible daughter. If I paid more attention, I would've noticed. It's all my fault. If I hadn't shunned her, she would never have…I'm a mistake. A failure. A mess. I couldn't stop dad from leaving and now I couldn't stop her from…I felt bile rise in my throat and I untangled myself from the person sitting next to me and turned to the floor, dry retching. My throat burned and my stomach felt like it had been turned inside out. A glass of water made its way to my mouth and I quickly gulped down its content like it is the piece of thread my life is currently holding on to. I had wanted to say thanks but my mouth had lost all ability to form any coherent sentence. I felt a hand go up and down my back and this low husky voice urging me to cry it all out. So I did. I broke into convulsive sobs, tears streaming down my face like my personal Niagara Falls. I don't know how long I cried for but the boy next to me never left my side, his shirt serving as my tissue and him serving as my crying shoulder. Finally, my loud sobs were reduced to mere whimpers. My eyesight was blurred and I was starting to see black dots. My eyelids were drooping from exhaustion so I let them close. I didn't notice someone carrying me bridal style and tucking me into my mom's bed nor did I notice the tender kiss placed on my forehead, for I was already gone, gone into the bliss state of unconsciousness.

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WORD COUNT: 1,873

WRITTEN ON THE 28TH OF AUGUST, 2020 BY 11:25PM (WAT)

Well, shit just got real. I literally bawled my eyes out for this chapter. It's just so fucking sadddd. Thoughts? I'd love to hear them. Constructive criticism? Why the fuck not? Virtual hugs and chocolate to all of you! You know what to do ;)

Ilysmmmm <3

XOXO,

Vida <3