92 Pity Party

Steve and I stood side by side in a room in the tower as Tony looked between us. The tech genius' face kept twisting, as though he had no idea how to deal with what was happening.

"You… bought your own merchandise. You bought over two-thousand dollars worth… of your own merchandise."

"Yep," I said with a grin.

"Okay, honest question. Was the reason you two were poor before you met me because you poured money into stupid shit? Tell me, did you also pay for the air you've been breathing today?"

"Wait, were we not supposed to?" Steve asked mock seriously.

"See, that's the sort of question that makes me worried. Seriously Steve, do I need to redesign your helmet, keep the concussions from coming?" Tony asked, walking around the centerpiece of the room. "Granted, you've got good taste."

"You like it?" I asked with a grin.

Tony strode around the life-size statue of himself. The red and gold suit was based on the armor he'd worn during the battle of New York, depicting him doing a 'Captain Morgan' stance on a rock. "You kidding? I love it! I mean, I already have real ones, but maybe I can leave it in my office just to mess with people. Maybe install something so it turns it's head to look at people, Scooby-Doo style."

"What's Scooby-Doo?" Steve asked with a frown.

"Yeah, find a new thing, big guy," Tony moved around to look at us, shaking his head. "Seriously, you spent thousands of dollars just to make me annoyed? I don't know if I'm proud or disappointed."

"I like to think I dance the line," I said with a shrug.

"Fanboy, you live on that line. Also, nice job living up to your nickname with buying enough geek gear to soak an ocean."

Damnit, how did he always manage to get the last word?

"Also, I saw you bought like, sixty DVD's? You guys planning a movie night?"

More of a show marathon," I admitted. "We're going to start with Avatar: The Last Airbender, I think."

"What, that cartoon?" Tony asked, surprised.

"...Yeah, you're watching with us," I said when I'd gotten over my irritation.

A couple of hours after that little meeting, I was decorating my apartment in the tower with all the stuff I'd gotten. I was standing in my living room, opening a box full of books I'd gotten when the bell to my door rang.

"One sec!" I put down a copy of The Dresden Files and walked towards the door, opening it. I blinked. "Jen! What's up?"

The tall buxom green superhuman smiled down at me. She was wearing a white tank top, purple jeans, and tall black boots, her hair up in a ponytail. "Nothing much, I just wanted to check in on ya. What you up to?"

"Decorating," I stepped aside to let her into my room. She walked inside, leaning down slightly so her head wouldn't hit the top of the door. I closed the door and turned to look at her.

Damn.

I shook my head to focus, walking forward to join Jen while she reached into a box. "Huh. You uh, you got enough books here?" Jen looked over one of them, quirking an eyebrow at me.

"Probably not," I admitted. "Don't tell anyone, but I love reading."

"Oh, the horror of such a disgusting habit," she teased, chuckling. "When did you get all this?" she gestured to the boxes stacked in my room.

"Steve and I went on a shopping trip and spent a bunch buying stuff," I grabbed one of the books and put in on a shelf. I was going to reach for another, but Jen passed it to me instead.

"Steve? He, uh, never struck me as the kind of guy to just spend a day shopping," she pouted. "Also, you didn't invite me? I mean, I've been looking for new clothes."

"I'm pretty sure I overheard Nat and Bobbi inviting you to a shopping trip right before Rio," I chuckled. "Besides, you really want Steve and I to help? We aren't really fashion conscious."

"Eh, I'd just go by the dropped jaw protocol."

I knew it was a setup. I asked anyway. "'Dropped jaw protocol'?"

"Oh yeah! See, the better the outfit, the lower your jaw drops," her eyes twinkled as she passed me some D&D manuals. "If I get you to stutter and blush while I'm at it, I know the outfits a winner."

I rolled my eyes. "Jen, you're a living fantasy Amazoness, I'd react that way to you in a Christmas sweater."

"Yeah, but it's more fun when I go all out," she raised a thick textbook. "Wait, is this..." she reached in and lifted another one. "Why do you have so many legal textbooks? Should I be asking Matt and Foggy to get you an office?" She asked with a smirk

I hesitated. "Oh… well, I uh… We're kinda law enforcement. So I thought it might be good to learn a little bit about, you know, laws and stuff? That way I'd be ready if I needed to be-I mean, I also got the Art of War, a few survival books, some engineering manuals..." I trailed off, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"Yeesh, you don't do things by halves," Jen finally passed me the books, looking thoughtful.

"I do, actually."

"What do you mean?" Jen asked.

The box we'd been working on was empty, so I opened another one. I hesitated… after a moment, I finally spoke.

"I'm kinda… lazy. Well, massively so. I'm pretty sure the only time I finally started working hard was when I became an Avenger. And I'm a little scared that if I don't keep working hard I'll end up going back to being lazy again. I mean, it's why I'm always training. This is the first break I've gotten in a while. Also, the first person I killed was because I wasn't trained enough to subdue him otherwise… and I've said too much."

Jen frowned. "Wow. You might want to talk to a therapist."

"Yeah, probably," I sighed. "Sorry."

"Hey, it's cool," Jen rose to her feet and took a few books from me, her height letting her put them on the top shelf with ease. "I kinda get it. I don't mention it, but… Being an Avenger and a lawyer at the same time is kinda stressful. Not just the training, but when we went to Rio..."

"...I haven't seen that much death in my life," I admitted.

She sat down on the floor across from me, giving me a sad look. "I used to see that sort of stuff on TV after disasters. But all those people just gone. Dead. People I couldn't help."

"I know," I wrapped my arms around my knees. We locked eyes. "I haven't talked about it but I keep thinking about it. It wasn't all bad. There was th-this bar. When the quake hit, the ceiling was about to fall. The bartender and the people inside worked together to hold it up. I mean, they shouldn't have been able to. Even switching with each other to keep the roof from collapsing, they shouldn't have been able to hold that much weight together for that many hours. They were just fucking incredible," I leaned back onto one of the boxes, only to fall back when the cardboard crumpled.

"Shit!" I shouted, my back hitting the floor.

Jen burst out laughing, crawling on the floor to help me up. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just damaged my pride," I grumbled.

She chuckled again while I sat up. Once I was no longer embarrassing myself, she sat down on the carpeted floor and sighed. "While we were in Rio, I saw some good things too. But I'm having trouble with the rest of it."

"So we both need therapy," I said. "Maybe we should do a group thing. God knows we all have issues on this team."

"Yeah, we're kind of a mess," Jen smirked. "Hey, at least we're in it together."

"Yep," I raised a fist, which she tapped with her own. "And hey. We helped a lot of people. All part of being a superhero."

"I know. I was just hoping there would be more beating up bad guys and less of..." she hesitated. "Well, less of that."

We did end up fighting a lot," I mused. Honestly, it was kind of crazy. Pretty much everything we fought was easily dealt with. They were also pretty damn varied.

"Were there… demons, in there?" Jen frowned. "I remember fighting them, but no one really specifiedwhatthey were."

"Maybe? I'll be honest, that sort of thing probably isn't as existential as you might think," I pointed out.

"What, you think fighting literal demons might have made me question religion and my place in the universe? Now, why would you assume that?" Jen said sarcastically.

I felt like mentioning that heaven and hell might not also be real, but also various incarnations of Death, Eternity, and the Universe. Then I dismissed it for the moment. "Look, whatever they were, we kicked their butts. And we'll keep kicking their butts. Right?"

"Ha!" Jen chuckled, shaking her head. "Sure, just ignore the earth-shattering news that demons are an actual thing and dinosaurs are roaming Rio."

I really needed to push for that survey of Antarctica.

"That's the ticket. Who needs therapy!? Let's just push our issues deep down inside and ignore them. It worked for our ancestors," I said with a grin.

"Yep! Let's ignore years of research on how the mind works!" Jen raised her hands up in a fake cheer.

For some reason, I found that hilarious because I started giggling. She joined in after a moment. If felt really weird sitting on the floor with She-Hulk giggling at a dumb joke which left me laughing harder.

"W-Why are we still laughing!?" I breathed out with some trouble.

"I don't know!" Jen shook her head as she kept laughing. "We might need some serious help."

"Probably," we trailed off laughing awkwardly. I sighed and placed a hand on her knee. "Sorry. You wanted to hang out and we ended up talking about some pretty depressing shit."

"You're good," she rubbed a hand on her eyes. "I think I really needed to talk about this, to be honest. Ever since I became… like this. It's tough to feel anything but badass. Then Rio hits," she clenched a green fist, sighing. "And suddenly there's a problem I can't solve by punching it hard as hell."

"Not that many of those. I feel like ninety percent of my problems these days are solved by having a bigger gun. And you've got some big ones," I said.

She smirked, flexing a bicep. "Well, nice to see you've noticed."

My face immediately went hot as I realized what I'd said. "W-Wait, I didn't- I mean-"

She burst out laughing. "See? Dropped jaw, red face. Clearly, this outfit's a winner."

"...It's more you than it is the outfit," I admitted awkwardly.

For a moment, we locked eyes again. Then she smirked. "You really aren't good at this… I don't mind though."

When I blinked, having no idea what she meant exactly, she only smirked a bit more, an odd light in her eyes.

"Come on," she reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me up. "Let's finish decorating your apartment, Martha Stewart."

"You know, I didn't ask you for the help," I pointed out.

"I do know. Luckily, among my many excellent qualities, my generosity is top of the list," she picked up a box. "Now, let's get your nerd gear put up, shall we?"

Bruce Banner/Hulk

In his lab, Bruce rubbed his face, trying to stave off his annoyance. "We still can't find him?"

A hologram of Coulson stood in the center of the room. The Agent shook his head. "Ulik is somehow evading our scans. We've tried everything, but he just sort of… blends in. I mean, he stands out when it comes to actually being there-"

"I know," Bruce cut him off, crossing his arms and looking at the floor with an ugly frown.

Ulik's body was entirely unique. For some reason it seemed to meld into the world around it, his almost rock-like makeup flowing into the earth around him. Like he 'resonated' with the world in a way that made him hard to track with anything other than traditional means. They'd had similar trouble trying to scan Dial's version of Ulik's form.

"On the plus side, we have managed to find something of a trail," Coulson crossed his arms, a habit he seemed to always fall back on during conversations. "People have encountered him. Strangely, he hasn't gotten in fights with anyone other than a small group of bikers that were terrorizing a small town."

Bruce stopped, turning to look at Coulson in confusion.

"Yeah, that was my thought too," Coulson admitted.

Flashback: Five Days ago, a small village in Brazil.

Ulik the Troll

"And with that, you honorless bastards are done," Ulik said calmly in perfect Portuguese, gazing upon the remains of a bar now soaked in the blood of the murderous men within. The place was on fire, windows shattered, a motorcycle embedded in the roof, and a Ulik shaped hole where a door used to be. "Attacking those unable to fight back," Ulik shook his head, lifting a massive barrel full of whiskey to take a deep swig before speaking. "It's like you didn't even want to get into a fight."

"I don't think they did," a little girl with pigtails stood next to him, watching the bar burn. She looked up at him with innocent eyes. "Do you really have to leave now, Mister Ulik?"

He nodded solemnly. "Yes, my sweet weakling. You and your people are sadly not warriors, and thus not worthy of dying beneath my fists. I will move on, and find battle elsewhere."

The little girl giggled. "You're silly!"

"I am most silly indeed!" Ulik chugged the barrel of whiskey, tossing it aside. "Farewell! And if you ever gain the strength, I will return to fight you in honorable combat to the death!"

"T-Then I will!" the little girl clenched her fist, turning to face him fully. "I'll get really, really strong! So then you'll have to come back!"

Ulik turned to face her, staring down at her with surprise. "Little one-"

"I will!" she said, staring up at him with earnest and determined eyes. "I'll become strong. And you'll come back! ...R-Right?"

Ulik stared down at her. Then he smiled. "Yes. I will. Become a warrior. And I will come back to challenge you to a duel to the death."

With that, he leaped into the air, leaving her in tears as she waved. "Goodbye Ulik! Goodbyyeee!"

Bruce Banner/Hulk

"I..." Bruce opened and closed his mouth.

"Yeah, I had the same reaction," Coulson admitted. "So yeah, he's been heading north from what we can tell, but he hasn't been hurting anyone other than criminals. Which is still dangerous as hell, since we have no idea why he's doing it, and Brazil is terrified he'll end up killing an MMA fighter or something for the chance of a good fight."

"That is indeed something to worry about, Son of Coul," Bruce turned to see Thor enter the room. The massive Asgardian strode in, looking stern. "Ulik is not without honor. But his only focus in life is mortal combat. We must find him before he can truly unleash his strength."

"We're trying," Coulson shook his head. "I've had May and Skye talking to the locals, every police station for miles has his description. Seriously, Bruce, you've been hiding in South America while moving around as the Hulk for years. Thor, you know him best. We could really use you on this."

"In a couple of days," Bruce cracked his neck with a sigh. "We kind of… have to meet some old friends."

"...Ah," Coulson shuffled his feet slightly. "Right. Jane and Betty."

"Well, not just them," Thor said awkwardly. "Lady Darcy is coming along as well."

"Same with Rick!" Bruce added. "It's not just-"

"Fellas, who are you trying to impress?" Coulson sighed. "I know a thing or two about pissing off the woman in my life."

Bruce and Thor shared an awkward look, Thor deciding to speak. "How… How is Lady Audrey? Has she-"

"No," Coulson's face fell. "No. She hasn't. I'm moving on."

"Just like that?" Bruce felt himself speak without thinking, and winced at the pain in Coulson's face. The agent looked down.

"No… not just like that. But it's what is best for us."

Thor shook his head. "Truly, the battles of our day to day lives are far more challenging than those of combat."

"Agreed," Coulson and Bruce said with heavy sighs.

Tony walked in then. He looked around at the three depressed men. Then he turned and walked back out as quickly as possible. Bruce looked up to see him go. "Uh, Tony-"

"Nope!" Tony called back. "Too busy to be depressed, I'll send you an email! Have fun with the pity party!"

The trio didn't have anything to say to that.

Mahmoud Schahed/Dial

I placed a final statue on one of my shelves when Tony opened the door to my room and strode in like he owned the place. Which, he kinda did. He looked around. "Hey Jen, hey Fanboy. You two got a minute?"

Jen and I shared a look. "Yeah, what's up?" she asked before I could say anything.

"Well, I was going to give these to Bruce and Thor first, but they're being lame," I noticed then that he was carrying a bunch of invite cards. "Here. One for you both."

Tony passed each of us a card. I took a look at it. Both had an Avenger's symbol at the top, with our names underneath. I read mine aloud. "Party of the century?"

"Save the date," Jen blinked. "I thought you were still setting this up?"

"Well, I got the bands together, invited everyone I actually give a damn about coming and have enough food and water set up for Asgardians, Hulks, and super soldiers," Tony clapped his hands proudly. "I mean, it's kinda been on hold for a bit with the, you know, everything, so I'm kinda forcing it at this point."

"Sounds like fun!" Jen folded her card, putting it away. "I'm always ready for a party! I mean, I wasn't always… Huh, this might be my first big ass party actually."

"I really hope you didn't invite strippers or something," I mumbled, remembering a few comic book moments.

"What?! Why would I-"

"To mess with Rhodey/Steve," She-Hulk and I said in unison.

Tony winced. "Yeah, well, Pepper wouldn't let me. Which I thought was rude, especially considering how affordable escort services these days are."

"Yay for sensible heads," I chuckled, putting away my own invite.

"Okay, you just decorated this room Fanboy, don't make me evict you," he threatened good-naturedly. "Here's hoping no more big disasters happen to stop this party though."

I winced. "I mean… you did kinda tempt fate. Like, why?"

"Well first, to make it my bitch," Tony said with a smirk. "Second, I swear, even if Godzilla drops on this city, I'm not letting anything stop this damn party. Seriously, I'm tempted to build a giant mecha just in case."

"That would be a hell of a show," Jen mused, looking over at the section of the shelf I'd set aside for Gundam figures. Yep, She-Hulk had seen pretty much every side to my nerdiness. Dammit.

"I guess we'll have enough superheroes in the room to deal with any problem," I mused. I became more serious when a thought came to me. "How about HYDRA? Any luck with tracking them?"

Tony and Jen both narrowed their eyes, Jen looking over at him. "Yeah. I still owe those guys a Hulk punch to the dick."

"I'll make a gauntlet just for the purpose," Tony said darkly. "But no, they rabbited and haven't popped up since. We think they're on the Asian continent, maybe somewhere cold as balls, but they're keeping underground."

I scowled. Fucking HYDRA. "Dammit. I hope Trip and Sharon aren't… you know."

"Yeah," Tony breathed in, then released a huff. "I'm pretty sure they aren't exactly getting massages and wine with Strucker through. We might need to prepare for the worst."

I shook my head. With Rio, I'd almost forgotten about Trip and Sharon. Hell, I'd almost forgotten about HYDRA. In my defense, a massive timequake was a pretty distracting event.

"We'll find them," I rubbed my chin. "HYDRA is pretty finished anyways. Unless they can make a comeback soon, the next time we meet, it's going to end in their death. Literally, if we have to."

"Yeah," Tony shook his head. "Until then, I'll keep you posted. Dammit, I came to avoid depressing conversations."

"Er, sorry?" I said hesitantly.

"I mean, we could just hang out if you want?" Jen asked, her green eyes flickering slightly.

Tony seemed to think about that. "Nah, I got a lot to do. I'm working on something, so I might as well get it done. Hey, come with me! I'm a genius, I could use a couple of people to watch while I prove it."

I grinned. "Uh, I'm good. Thanks, Tony."

He sighed in mock-sadness. "Man, what is the point of having you guys around if I can't have people around to be impressed around me?"

"Can't you just pay someone for that?" Jen teased.

"It just isn't the same..."

He said his goodbyes and headed out, leaving Jen and me by ourselves. As soon as the door closed, she looked over at me. "So… you got any plans for the rest of the day?"

"Yeah, I'm going to-" I stopped, realizing that, no, I didn't actually have anything else planned other than my defaults, which were working out, patrolling, or making new tech.

"Great!" Jen seemed to read my mind because she immediately grabbed my arm and started tugging me out of the door. "Because I have a few ideas."

"Am I going to like them?" I asked hesitantly.

"Well, I'm going to be with you, so yeah," she smirked. "Come on, 'Fanboy'."

Dammit, Tony...