Chapter 17: Reading Again

Kim Dokja stumbled on his feet as he came back at home. All that conversation brought back his dark memories.

He remembered the moment he read a novel for the first time.

The texture of the soft paper touching his fingertips. The black letters blooming on a white field. The texture of the page he folded with his hands.

「 It isn't important to read the letters. The important thing is where the letters lead you. 」

His mother, who loved books, used to say this. At least for him, it wasn't just a saying.

The gaps in the black print. His own little snow garden lay in between the letters. This space, which was too small for someone to go into, was a perfect place for a child who liked to hide. Every time a pleasant sound was heard, the letters stacked up like snow.

In it, he became a hero. He had adventures, loved and dreamt. Thus, he read, read and read again.

He remembered the first time he was about to finish a book. It was like being deprived of the world.

The protagonist and supporting characters walked off with the sentence 'They lived happily ever after' and he was left alone at the end of the story. In his vanity and sense of betrayal, his young self struggled because he couldn't stand the loneliness.

「This... is the end? 」

Perhaps it was similar to learning about death. For the first time, he realized that something was finite.

His mother said, 「This is the end. 」

「There isn't anything that comes next? 」

「There is no 'next.' 」

His mother was cold as she told him a brutal truth.

「 However, just because it is the end doesn't mean you've seen the whole story. 」

Then she gave him a wise advice.

「 Yes? 」

「 Read it again. 」

Reread the finished story. As a child, he didn't know what this meant.

「 Why read a story I already know? 」

「 If you read it again, it will definitely be a different story. 」

「...I don't want to. 」

He was stubborn because he was afraid of feeling the deprivation again. Then his mother said, 「 Do you want to read it together? 」

Thus, Dokja learnt to read again.

At first, he only saw the main character's position. The second reading showed the position of the supporting character and the third reading showed the position of the enemy.

The story changed every time Dokja read it. The story was over but it wasn't over. The story wouldn't end unless the reader gave up on the story.

Kim Dokja still thought about it often. What if his mother had said something else at that time?

All fiction was fake and it would just be a loss of his life if he read it.

'Would I then have a lot of friends? What if I didn't study hard, wasn't bullied and didn't run away from the reality given to me?'

「 Dokja. 」

Shit. He remembered this. It was a bloody living room. His mother was holding a knife and standing in front of a dead man.

「 From now on, I will read all of this again. 」

His mother smiled towards him and said.

「Thus, you have to remember well. Understood? 」

A nightmare was coming towards him.

He didn't hate his mother from the beginning.

Even when his mother killed his father.

Even when she went to jail.

Even when his relatives rushed to take their assets and he was treated like a leftover product.

He didn't hate or blame his mother.

"How can a person be so shameless?" The reason why he hated his mother was simple. "Why did you remain silent? And why... did you write such a story?" He murmured.

Someone might say this: "You became rich. Isn't it good that she sold the book?"

He didn't know if the royalties from his mother helped his life. His relatives always treated him like he wasn't a person.

He had a really hard time. Whenever he went to school, walked on the streets or met someone, it seemed like everyone was talking about him. It was the same when he moved schools. Every time, he was the son of a murderer.

Those who had never experienced it would never know. The world was tenacious. The reporters stood in front of his house and it felt like all eyes in the world were chasing him.

'Maybe, just maybe, I could've endured it.'

It might've been okay if his mother had said something to him. If she told him to endure it, he could've. If only his mother had told him she was on his side, even if she sold their story for money.

Since separating from his mother, Kim Dokja looked over his memories again and again.

In other words, he read it again. He became absorbed in the characters of those novels because of his mother.

-Dokja. -From now on, I will read all of this again.

-Your father, he did something wrong and died.

-This was self-defense. Understood?

He read it again hundreds, thousands and even tens of thousands of times. No, he replayed it so many times that he couldn't even tell it was true anymore.

It was enough for his father to die. He was a gambling addict and violent towards his family. Their family would've been in danger if he remained.

So why was Kim Dokja angry?

Kim Dokja tried to ask his mother several times.

'Why didn't you run away with me? Why did you leave the child alone? Why didn't you come see me after you were released?'

The questions piled up inside him and he got the answer on his own.

This was a fear created by the answer. It was an answer that he tried to erase. He was afraid that once the answer was given, he wouldn't be able to accept it.

Thus Kim Dokja misunderstood the forgotten past of his that he should've never.