1 Chapter 1

Dreams can be dangerous.

They make you think about something that isn't really there. Your mind takes ideas and emotions, bunches them up, and decides to leave you in an unfamiliar place.

A new real where nothing is real. It's a separate world in your head. It can be a great place where you wish you could stay forever. But it can also be a place of your darkest fears. You never know with dreaming. Some dreams are harmless while others can destroy you from the inside out. Make you want something so bad. Worse, you know you can never have it.

I think that's what made her go crazy. She stares at the wall mumbling about some other world. I used to think it was because of my dad's stories. He would always give us something to dream about. But the moment he was gone, he took my mother's sane-ness with him. Along with my life. I remember those days where I used to be truly happy. Have a life. I could dream of a better life.

But the thing with dreams is that they come to an end one way or another. Wether you eventually let those dreams come true or you are chased away from them, thrown into another reality. Your new reality. Because the moment he left, I was forced to go back to reality and grow up within a day.

My childhood was gone the moment my mom blanked. That's at least what Caleb and I call it. I tell him it's all going to be alright. That she will heal. But is it really that bad to lie to him? About his forever broken mother. The moment she blanked I started to work like I never have before. And I don't think I will ever forgive her for it. For making me grow up so fast in such a short period of time. The moment she picked up the note that said he was not coming back. But even worse, I would never forgive myself for doing what I did that day.

For taking the responsibility and throwing my life out the window. No, I chucked it out the window.

Willingly.

For Cal.

I could have stuck her in a mental hospital and let the two of us get a new life and family that might have actually loved us. But I didn't. And I will forever hate myself for it.

------------

I threw the blanket in the wash and started to scrub the floor. It has only gotten worse. She was bent on the bed vomiting again. And I was back at it, taking her in my arms like we reversed places. The stench of booze still lingered on her shirt and I saw the bottle lounging, half empty, on the fireplace.

"Where did you even get it?" I said frustrated. I have been throwing out every bottle, one by one, that my mother has smuggled into the house. She doesn't talk much anymore but once and a while, claims that she is able to see her 'dreams' again when she drinks.

It's sad almost.

And it is the worst thinking about how it once was. How her face lit up when dad would tell his stories. When he would bring us to places. Tears rolled down her cheeks after my lecture and I could hear Caleb's footsteps, who was leaning outside the room on the apartment wall. The door creaked and I pushed it open, staring into his blank chocolate brown eyes. He stared at the ground knowing he was guilty, like the many times before, listening in on her... incidents. All like the other times I took his hand in mine, looping the fingers tightly, and laid him back in bed.

"She's never getting better is she." It wasn't a question. I just stared at him blankly. At his ruffled dark brown hair which he got from our father. I think the thing that makes me the most pissed off is the fact that Cal, that innocent 10 year old boy whose smile lit up the room, had to watch this happen. Front row view and I was the guest star of the show.

"It will get better." I whispered into his ear. Cal also had to grow up faster than he should have. Caleb was only 7 when it all happened. And I had to go from a 13 year old girl that would rant about teachers and boys to the new adult of the house. At first, I would yell and scream at her for not doing anything. For letting us starve. But then the food ran out. I started to work and have been working since. Well if stealing counts as working.

And I had all my plans set out when I was young. Finish my last year of high school with flying colors and then get working full time at the little cafe down the street of our apartment to pay for college. It was written in the books until she took that book and stuffed it into a paper shredder.

"We are going to move." She mumbled at the foot of the bed. Now sober after another day of vomiting. I just rolled my eyes and folded the newly washed sheets.

"You remember Jenny right? My friend from college? I met up with her last week and she owns a facility in Orlando, California. A hotel in the park there. Disneyland I think. She told me that we can live there for a year and can get you a job at the hotel." I just started her right in the eye. This has to be the most she has talked in months.

"You're joking right? 3 years I have been asking you, no begging you to get a job. To help Cal at least. And now you want me to give up everything I have here and move to Disneyland? For the hell of it? So you can say hello to the little fairytale creatures in your dreams you say you always have." I said throwing my hands up in the air. "I sold the apartment room." She said quietly but loud enough for me to hear.

"No you didn't." I marched out of the room and dialed our landlord on the phone. My jaw dropped down 6 feet when he said we have 5 days to leave. I think I actually punched the wall, jamming all my fingers.

"This is psychotic! You can't sell the apartment without telling me! And say we are moving across the country? You haven't spoken more than 5 sentences in a row for christ sake! And haven't done anything for Cal and I! And now you just expect me to just leave everything?" "I just wanted you to have a better life." She whispered. I grabbed the pillow off her bed and chucked it across the room.

"Mer I just... I want you to be happy and in California we have a year to get back in it. No more bills on the room. You can focus on yourself. Take the job in the cafe and start an online collage." It was summer after senior year and I already made up my mind that I would never be able to go to college with Cal growing up.

"Mer please say something." She said. I realized that I was just staring at that pillow I chucked for the past 5 minutes.

"What did you offer to give her?" "She said it was a favor." "Nothing is just a favor mother! Nothing comes for free!" "I told her you would work there for free at the cafe for the year." "And what about you? After we move. You're going to being blank again?" She stared at the ground. Her brown hair masking her face making a curtain.

"Please just give this a chance Mer."

"How the hell are we even going to get there? I want to speak with this family friend." So I did and it was way too good to be true. She offered to pay for the flight but I said I had saved enough for the tickets. She said we would be staying in the hotel in the center of the magic kingdom itself. I knew there was something more that my mother must have promised her but one she told Cal he wouldn't stop smiling. It kinda broke my heart that he was so unhappy here.

We walked onto the plane and I had flashbacks of when dad used to travel with us. Bring us to exotic islands and jungles because of his job. He never really explained what he did, just that he got to travel and explore a lot. The plane descended and Cal hopped off quickly. He was scared of almost everything and never talked to people except for mom and I. He had about one friend before dad but after kinda shut down. He was brilliant though. The smartest kid I knew.

We had a taxi waiting for us at the airport. The flight was long and we were exhausted and Cal barely made it before he passed out on my lap in the car. New York to California isn't something you do every day. I shut my eyes and thought about this maybe being a real chance to start over. I knew it was eventually going to blow up on my face because nothing ever just works out in my life but I hoped it would last at least a week or two.

The hotel was insane. The disney characters were imprinted all over the walls and it was clearly themed over the park. It was too dark for many to be out but the lights shone through the little buildings and areas of the park. It was a 15 minute walk to the cafe through the park. And I was told by my mother's friend that I would start as soon as possible.

Cal jumped onto the hotel bed and started to laugh. My mother went to her room and I knew that she wasn't coming out any time soon. This was a fresh start, I thought to myself. Maybe things will be different. Cal crawled into my bed and closed his eyes.

"Mer?"

"Ya."

"Do you really think things will be better?"

"Well Cal you gotta hope right?" "Maybe the magic here will help." For a genius kid he was a dreamer like our father.

"Sure Cal, sure. I have to wake up early for work in the morning." And there was not another word out of him and I squeezed him in my arms. We both always had nightmares after dad left. It was like a switch was flipped the moment he took off and the nightmares woke up and decided to mess with me.

There was always this alternate place where I would have to run for my life through these frozen woods. Someone was chasing me but I didn't dare to look back. There were pine trees surrounding me and then I would sometimes stop at a small, iced over lake. Sometimes they were different. A different setting. Different clothes. But all I could remember was running.

Tonight's dream was different. I was sprinting and felt the breath leaving my lungs. And then I tripped and scraped my arm on a rock. The crimson blood dripped onto the dirt and got all over my clothes. The pain was excruciating and woke me up immediately. I was majorly sweating and felt a pain on my elbow. Cal was still sleeping under my arm, so I slid out quietly and covered him back up. I walked to the mirror and gazed at the red gash that ran down the length of my arm.