Chapter 1

"How are you?" This is probably the first question any therapist would ask their patient. However, Ms. Annesley did not ask me this, instead she kept staring at my face for like 15 minutes straight.

I started to feel awkward and was getting exceedingly impatient. So, I said the first words to the therapist who was supposed to speak first. "Are we going to start the session or not?" I blurted out in a very unmannerly way. But I didn't care about manners any more.

She gave out a tender smile. Which was very contagious and my lips were almost about to carve into a smile but I somehow managed to keep a boldface.

"What?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

I never spoke more than two words. In front of a therapist, I usually end my conversation in one or two sentences. The fact is she already made me speak one sentence and one word. Which I found very imposing. Because not everyone can win with my obstinate or my so-called "Never ever speak to anyone about your feelings they only pity you" attitude.

"Do you prefer coffee over any other drink? " That was the first question of my therapist.

I was confused. What was with this question? Would it help me overcome my anxiety? My panic attacks? My fear of going out? My past?

As usual I did not respond. But somehow it surprised me. Cause I really did love coffee over any other drink but not even my parents knew  this information about me that clearly. They just know I love coffee. Probably what the therapist just asked was a pure speculation.

"Let's order some coffee" She said and again gave her infectious smile.

My reply was "." Which meant nothing. But somehow I noticed that she didn't ask me if I wanted coffee or not. She just said let's order coffee. Which meant she would order one for me too. Strange. Normally any human being would ask whether I would like one or not.

I would've said 'No' eventually. But it's a decent courtesy to ask. She talked to someone on the phone. Probably told that person to bring coffee for the both of us.

"Samaira James" She said. I kept quiet and didn't say a word. "Your name is quite strong." And I wanted to ask what was so strong about a name. But it was clear that she just wanted me to ask that question out loud. "So I guess what your Mother said was true. You don't speak much in front of a therapist." She put her hand on the table and stared at me blankly.

As always I didn't utter a word. But my mind sure was quite inquisitive about her.

She took the notebook that was open on the table. Judging by her appearance she was eminently unorganized. But in her working field invariably she was proficient and accomplished. Although that wasn't the least of my concerns. I just came here just because my parents wanted me to and nothing else.

"You know, just like you" She paused a bit and continued, "I don't talk very much as well. I just listen to people's words and observe. It's better to let people figure out what they need in their lives on their own, I just try to get the process started, that's it. So, if you don't want to tell me..." Again she paused, "We'll just sit like this through the whole session." That's the last thing that woman said before shutting her mouth for rest of the session and we both sat there in complete silence.

But I somehow preferred it that way. On the other hand I also felt queasy and restless. But I knew one thing for sure, she won't let me go until she figured out everything about me. Just my intuitions. Pretty sure that these therapy sessions would be vigorous for me to handle.

The next thing I knew, the alarm started ringing and the session of today had finally come to an end. I let out a breath of relief.

Then I looked up at Ms. Annesley as her contagious smile occured on her face again.

"From now on, I'll be looking forward to our sessions and our next session is going to be on Wednesday. Take care of yourself until then."

My body reacts to her infectious smile. It was tender and luscious but at the same time I was distressed about my next session.

Cause this woman would surely make me say things I never said to anyone.

**

"Did my daughter say anything?" My mother asked Ms. Annesley in a very rushed tone. I stood outside Ms. Annesley's office, staring at the empty corridor.

"Calm down Mrs. James. It's not a very accessible job. I need to get to know her to understand her and it will take some time for that to happen."

"Will she be fine?" Mum asked.

"Don't worry Mrs. James. Your daughter is quite strong, more than how you think. She can deal with way more than your expectations."

Mum looked down in despair. I knew she was worried about my health. She looked up but a look of anguish crossed her face but she still managed to smile.

I felt vulnerable. Because of my mental issues, she was anxious about my life. While she had to deal with other stuff, I was just a troubled misfortune. I didn't want to cause any more complications in her life. A tear drop flowed down my cheek.

Before I knew it my heart clutched and I felt like the corridor kept getting smaller. I had the constant feeling of oxygen running out of the place and tightness in my throat.

I couldn't breath. My vision kept getting blurry and I was losing control. I tried my method to overcome my panic attacks. I did not know why this suddenly ensued out of nowhere.

One, two, three ....

It wasn't working. My breathing got heavier and my heart kept grasping tightly. My mind went dizzy and I started to tremble. I tried my method again. In a different way. Instead of saying one two three, I kept trying my hardest to remember the poem he wrote for me.

whenever I saw your smile

I kept imagining a new start.

Your eyes had the warmness

I seek for

Your lips had the softness

I ache for

Your smell makes me breathless.

Your touch makes me

restless.

I stopped in midway. It was having an opposite effect on me. I kept sweating. I was completely worn out.

The last thing that kept running through my mind was His face.

And right then

I fainted.

*******