6 Chapter 6 Dreaming

I awoke in my room. Years, so many years lead up to this, it didn't feel real. I didn't want it to be real. My mother would be visiting later, so in the meantime I sulked. Allowing my stomach to sink, counting the seconds. Solitude became nauseating, winding me up. The only place to spin, my head. I sat, stood, paced back and forth, finally I laid on the cold ground. How refreshing tile could feel, the closest to nature without the beauty. I began to miss the old hospital and all its freedoms. I missed my routine and morning smoothies. I missed my relationship with Dr. Kristen. It wasn't even my fault. Vanessa got in trouble not me but I took the fall. How stupid I feel. Tears seeped out my eyes, creeped down my cheeks, onto my neck, finally plopping onto the tile I lay on. How cruel! Whimpering on my back wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend today. Was I to blame? Or everyone else? An hour passed by going back and forth between blame and blaming. I cried myself tired, a sniffle followed by a smile trying to find its way onto my face. At least my mom would be here with me, at least that. I waited and waited until I finally fell asleep.  At the time however I didn't know she would not be coming because her lungs were punctured slowly filling with blood. A steel rod in her windpipe. Police sirens blaring. I found out the next day. My mother wore black heels because she was so short, a flowy dress, and her hair was up in a bun. Her main method of transportation was walking or the bus but she took her silver sedan today since my hospital wasn't on route of the buses. She made a stop at a local safeway to pick me up a cake, one with lots of coconut. The cake rode shotgun, she turned out the lot but the cake slid to the right. She reached for the cake so it wouldn't smoosh and without looking made her way across the lane head on to a ram pick up truck. My heart sunk, all I wanted was for her to be here with me, fuck my birthday, fuck my bullshit. All I want right now is to go home to her. Momma, how I miss her. If I could go back I'd fix all that I broke, all that hell I forgot that it fell onto her just as much as it did on me. She was on the sidelines yes, but she never left me. Fuck! Now I really was alone. Tomorrow I could leave but they wanted me to see a psych first. I fucking hated myself, its the deepest pain i've ever known. I was wrong so wrong, and here I am momless. The brick walls enclosed my screams and sobs as I flung my fists into the ground until they were bloody and broken. "Please god, I fucked up but I just want my mom back!" I begged to anyone just to listen to my pleas because as undeserving as I felt in that moment I wanted to trade my life for my mom because she didn't deserve to experience my share of pain. Why can't this could be over now? I sniffled and moaned. My panting slowed, snot and tears ran down until I wiped it with my sleeve. All this could be over, all this could be over. All of this could have been over long before it started but I just couldn't do it. You just couldn't do it could you? My name brought me great shame, sitting slouched on this wall filled with pain. I asked for an early visit with the psych, under normal circumstances this would never be allowed, this was no private institute, but seeing as I had just suffered a loss I had been granted it. My head floated from place to place, I sat down mindlessly half dazed. When I visited the psych I could see she wasn't interested in knowing me or my problems. She didn't care she simply wanted to assure that I wouldn't kill myself if I leave. As she spoke she had no emotion, robotic and unempathetic. She asked the questions she was supposed to, I responded how I thought I should. I knew I couldn't express my true feelings openly simply because she would not understand. So I lashed out verbally in my head, spitting every ounce of thought. How do I feel? How do I really feel? I hate myself, I hate myself for being blind sighted. I hate myself for having felt so much because in hindsight it wasn't as big as I made it out to be and that's something I have to carry with me for the rest of my life! I have to live with the guilt that this happened as a result of me! I realized then my mother did care very dearly about me and how easily I tossed that aside. My problems of yesterday seemed so small in comparison. The only thing that matters to me right now is to come home and say my goodbyes and sorries. I bit my lip and held in the outburst of tears. This was not a revelation or a sudden moment of realization I just finally listened and it had to happen the hard way. That's what pains me about all this. That I know that I'm in the wrong but as much blame as i'd like to put on others and how much they deserve it just as much as me. My life had meaning and I had taken that away from the world. Unknowingly I mattered in some way. And right now i'm sure all my mom wants is for me to come home, I don't think she blames me and if there's a heaven i'm sure she's there. But I have to make this right. I have to take a stand because I just can't keep living this way and for all its cost me it's just something I owe to myself. To better myself while I can, while I have this gas this fuel to just take off running and keep moving. First I have to leave, go far away from these stupid fucking walls. Run far away until I get home. It's the only way I know. I need to make things right. "Do you think you're a threat to yourself?" She asked. "No" I told the psych. In all honestly I didn't know, but I figured fuck it. Might as well run it's the only way I'll get of these crutches is if I keep running. But she wouldn't understand. Her doubt was easy to detect. However she approved my leave, an early leave at that. My chest felt like it had clay in it. My heart burned, as I walked through the hall towards the locked door I could see clearer. Stone faced to match my determination. My priorities were more in order, and what follows is the process of healing. A large buzz rang through the hall as I was let out. The sky was grey, the streets foggy, and rain beat down with aggression. I put up my hood, walked down the stairs then my legs began to run and my panting came back as I let out all my wailing on my way back home.