4 Chapter 4 Through The Glass Door

From what I remember of that day, this is how it played out. As soon as Vanessa unlocked the deadbolt and let herself through the glass door I didn't know how to feel. My mind was calm for once. Vanessa, the trees, the green grass, the blowing wind, and the sun was my world, I was carefree. Rustling of trees, faint chirping of birds, my god it's all so beautiful. I wanted to cry, to frolic in the garden. All summer had been spent inside either in my room, visiting Dr. Kristen or going to the cafeteria. God! How miserable that all seems now. Other people were having fun, not trapped away in their rooms. I wanted a piece of that. I had always felt like an outcast in that way but not right now, this was right where I should be. Vanessa was ahead of me looking at the trees surrounding the long field of grass we had run through yesterday. I walked up behind her and gave her a hug. I rested my head on her shoulder. I thought back, back to a younger me. What would he say to me? What would I say to him? How would he feel if he saw me here? What about in the next four years? What would I say then? How could I have let things go so far? Vulnerability had gotten to me once again, the inexplicable nature of how life seems to be playing out for me flooded my eyes with tears. She was currently my sunshine, and no matter what, I wasn't planning on letting that go so easily. She accepted my embrace and with that I gained the strength I needed to overcome my mind that moment. I inhaled and exhaled with my eyes shut, easing myself. By my third breath I was eased enough to let go. As soon as my eyes opened they were locked right into Vanessa's gaze. "You good?" She asked. "Yeah" I replied. I held her hand, walking for hours exploring the area around the hospital pointing out the clouds and the newly bloomed flowers protruding from the fresh soil. On our trip around the building I realized how little I knew about where I was staying. I saw patients on the opposite end who were completely different from that on my side. Most of them seemed older than we did. Come to think of it me and Vanessa were the only patients that could be considered teens. Our wandering came to its conclusion when we arrived back on the other side. There wasn't much to see at the hospital that could be considered beautiful. It all existed outside. Vanessa was the first one to head through the door, when it came time for me to head inside I hesitated. I didn't want to go back in, but I had to. I knew I had to. Vanessa had been quiet most of the time we were outside but happy. Her silence was a sign of nervousness. I made a note to cater to her better. I decided that i'd work with her, talk through anything, be understanding, and be patient. To be everything I wish someone had been to me and that's exactly what i'd do for the next few months, I followed her pace. I think it was a Thursday, yeah a Thursday when we went outside, the memory stuck. That was about a month ago, fairly recent but this is one of those memories that would stick with me. I looked over my shoulder and Vanessa was still asleep. Snugged up underneath the white covers that my mother had brought in two weeks prior. On my counter was half a carton of juice from last night, me and Vanessa stayed in to watch a horror movie but we never finished it. I stood up and walked myself over to pour me and my love some juice. Something about seeing the juice sparked an idea. Waking up to breakfast, how endearing. Instantly I knew i'd have to rush in order to get this done before she would wake up. I raced to my closet to put on something decent and proceeded to sneak my way out. Striding through the corridor with big steps to move quicker, as I approached the cafeteria I could smell eggs, bacon, and a mouthwatering waft of freshly made pancakes. I made two orders of it all, I stared outside while I waited the leaves were starting to change which meant autumn was just around the corner. Wow, had time slipped by so fast? The semester would be starting soon, and kids are going to ask questions or do people already know? How would they know? Should I talk to Kristen about leaving? Would I be ready or end up back here? Or worse? I couldn't just stay here, I liked it but only because of Vanessa. Wou... "Here you go!" said the lunch lady. Thank god! I grabbed the plate, "Thank you!" I replied then proceeded to head back. My attention was back on Vanessa though the thoughts were still scratching, gnawing my brain. Silently the door moved forward, I set the two trays on the counter and closed my door. I placed the juice on a nightstand by her head and sat near her legs I gave her a gentle shake on the shoulder. She turned over, strands of hair ran across her forehead while her face was a mixture of grogginess and daze. "Good morning!" my hands gripped the plate. "I brought you some breakfast my love." I grinned as I handed her the plate. A trail of steam moved back and forth until her nose gave a big wift and exhaled. "Pancakes!" Vanessa exclaimed, "Thank you.". We were both happy, the sun was shining. The room was warm, but not hot and my kiln burned with a small but rather passionate intensity. I grabbed my plate and proceeded to sit in bed. As we ate we began to discuss what our plans were for the day, including small side discussions about how we feel. I felt grateful for this grace period away from my regularly scheduled existential pain. I don't wish to sound dramatic but goddammit not too long ago I was preparing to off myself and now i'm here enjoying a meal a breakfast. Something that seemed so impossible before, not that long ago. I can eat! I can enjoy this! I don't believe Vanessa understood how great these little moments with her meant to me. I will forever cherish them. I made prayer to god to help me progress because all of this seemed to good to be real. I don't want to lose what I have right now. After we finished eating Vanessa placed her plate on the table and turned over facing me. "So does that sound good?" she smiled, I nodded "Yeah. That sounds good." I smiled at her with pure love and cherishment. We kissed, then we proceeded to get out of bed to go on with our day. Three months... Three months is all it took? Three months is all it took for Vanessa to grow tired of me. I hated this new building and I hated being alive. I had been betrayed even doctor Kristen fucked me over. I was tossed aside as soon as I was of no longer a convenience. The world is a cruel place, as soon as I find my place it just kicks me and keeps me down. I felt angry, angry at myself, angry at having let anyone hurt me. Angry at how unfair everything seemed. I rubbed my head in frustration sitting alone with no light, it was fitting that way. I was placed in a csu shortly after having been kicked out from the private hospital. My heart was broken, it stung. My tears had ran out. Exhaustion got the best of me, now death doesn't seem so wild to me. It was more like something to do, even if I didn't want to I felt attracted at the idea. Something I could do to just get out of here, here being my own head. This building was not a happy place nor was it somewhere I intended to stay. And I assure you that the next time I will not fail, how embarrassing to fail at my own death. My birthday would be coming up before I even get to leave. I had plans to be with Vanessa but I guess none of that would be possible now. As soon as the five day hold lets off, i'm done with all of this. I don't even care about trying anymore of this nonsense and everyone can feel bad if they want to but this is no longer a matter of me getting better it's a matter of what that even means and whether its even something that will ever happen. This is my first step to ending all of this. Four more days after tonight.