2 Chapter 2 My Instituted Experience

We were housed away, seperated and shelled off from society. Treated like children. All the workers were careful not to hurt our feelings. It was humiliating. It felt demeaning, though I could understand that it came from a place of concern; Nevertheless, it probably wasn't the best way to treat someone who's already so down about themselves but hey, what can you do? Every morning the sun would rise discharging a great warmth across the local grounds and landscape. The trees near the building stood in columns and behind it  beautiful hills seemingly endless. It was all a smack to the face, for despite being surrounded by such beauty, none of us could ever really enjoy any of it. We were always so down. Around eight a.m. breakfast would start, but before that we'd have to take our meds. That's when a nurse would drop by to watch, assuring you'd actually taken them. As soon as she'd step out I'd rush to peer underneath the door to see that she had left, then run to the bathroom, stick my fingers down my throat and release the drugs that were just given. I don't  know why I did that, I guess at the time I just didn't believe I needed them. Early mornings the building was empty. The chow hall consisted of a long open room with long tables, chairs, a few couches, and these glass doors that lead out back to a garden area. Not everyone was allowed outside however, me being one those people. Patients requiring to be more secured for their own safety had to eat inside their room. This never bothered me though, I refrained from talking to anyone else for my own sake during my stay. Excuse me for sounding rude but they were simply bad company, not that I was any better. The only person i'd ever talk to was my doctor who would check in with me every week, Dr. Kristen seemed to be the only staff member that I trusted. When we'd chat I never had to worry about what I said around her. I loved Dr. Kristen, she was the only nice person I had there. She treated me like I was normal. I was scheduled in to see her tomorrow. This was a private institute which meant it was more like a resort than a hospital, but nevertheless it was a mental hospital. To give a brief backstory, My father had died from alcoholism the prior month, meanwhile my mother was barely holding on. Prior to that I was stuck working at a dead end job, making minimum wage. Arguments were building up at home, and school was getting stressful. The only thing keeping me going was my lovely girlfriend, that was until she left. She said it wasn't me, that she just wasn't interested anymore. But I couldn't help but to blame myself and my low confidence. I never was one to handle a bad situation in a good way. All of it weighed heavy on me. And sure enough I ended up here. While I was here all I could think of was how I would be better off dead, I felt stuck. For the first three weeks my mother would show up teary eyed always asking about my day and saying how much she loved me and cared about me. She was a kind woman, best mom I could have asked for despite our differences, I had to hand it to her she tried her best to keep it together. Lord sure knows I couldn't. Despite her good intentions her visits never helped, in fact they would leave me with an overwhelming sense of guilt for putting this on her. I would wish it were just myself, at least that way I could die in peace without worrying about who'd I hurt in the process. So I could suffer in peace. That became a reoccurring wish. Those days I barely got out of bed not wanting to eat or step foot outside my door. Around this time is when I met Dr. Kristen, she was my knight in shining armor, coming to save me from the trenches of my self loathing. It was early in the morning, she had knocked on my door but I was still asleep at that point, after a few more taps I got out of bed and begrudgingly walked my way towards the door. The door opened, her smile looked genuine as she opened her lips to say, "Sorry, did I wake you? I hope you don't mind, my name is Dr.Kristen I'll be checking up on you and . During your stay here." I replied groggily "No it's okay.", "Great, so how have you been? I heard you haven't been eating lately. Can you tell me what that's about?" she said. "I don't know. I feel like I'm eating enough" I lied, I knew I had been avoiding eating but mainly because I had lost most of my appetite. I didn't want to tell her this though, I knew it was her job to sit there and ask how I was doing but something about her made me feel like this was going to be different. She looked away and smiled, her eyes looking sad. She seemed exhausted, exhausted as I was in trying to fix this. I definitely wasn't her first and certainly not her last patient. Her eyes heavy from work with some wrinkles creeping around the edges. Still, you can tell she was young no older than twenty four. For both of us it was a day to day case. But despite her exhausted expression, I could tell she was still willing to try and that's what felt so different. She looked back and said "Okay, I just want to make sure you're eating. I want to try and get you to slowly eat more. So for every meal of the day I want you to come to my office and just eat there. Is that okay with you?" I nodded my head, "Sure" I replied softly. During this whole encounter my eyes bounced around, left, right, down, up, and sometimes i'd stair at her eyes for brief intervals. And that's how we began to talk, i'd check in every now and then, she'd let me ramble on for hours, talk about our days, then we'd say goodbye. Having her there made my days less lonelier. I only wish I could talk to her longer. She was a great listener it was astounding how someone could have so much patience. Once I spoke to her for four hours straight.  I loved that about her. Her persona was one my stomach and mind could tolerate at this point in my life, because her persona was indistinguishable from her real self. This was just what I needed. I finished breakfast and stared outside, as the white linen curtains blew with the wind, a woman entered from the corridor leading into the chow hall from the front desk two doctors followed her. She must have been new because she was unrecognizable. I payed her no mind and continued eating my breakfast, yogurt with blueberries and a bowl of granola, spending a while longer to get some fresh air before returning to my room. Enjoying the air coming through the open glass doors, but if I stayed too long i'd start to freak out, because my thoughts were unmanageable when I can see the world pass by around me, especially with such beautiful scenery outside. The grass, the sun, the birds singing meant nothing without being apart of it. I felt nothing towards it, except an overwhelming sense of grudge against myself for being alien to all what the world had to offer me. All that filled me was resentment for myself, I felt as though the world judged me for being in here, as if I were just acting like a baby or a spoiled brat. But the reality was far off, this was a result of reaching exhaustion from trying to better myself, from trying with no result. It was all retch and no vomit! As Alan watts would put it. But i'd doubt anyone would really care, except for maybe Kristen. But even then I still had my doubts. I passed by the nurses I saw earlier, I walked down a corridor until I reached my room, across my door I heard soft thudding. I paid no mind to it and entered my room. I entered the shower so I could prepare for bed, it was only twelve p.m. but I truly didn't know what else to do since Kristen wasn't as available as she used to be these past few weeks. For some reason we began to take in more patients than usual. I began to rinse my hair when I heard large thuds and yelling through the walls. I turned the shower head off, dried off, and grabbed my clothes. Dressing while hurrying out the door. Three nurses were holding up some girl who was going buck wild on them, kicking and screaming, flailing her arms like a banshee. We locked eyes and as deranged as they were, I felt a small sense of attraction. Aside from the look of crazy she was absolutely breathtaking, at least until she kicked me in the face when the guards lost their balance and swayed her in my direction. They got a grip on her eventually and stabbed her butt with a needle, she calmed down and for the rest of the day she was sedated. I made my way back to my room. She was crazy, but good god did she look beautiful. My bloody nose aside, today was decent. I couldn't help but think of her the rest of the day, my imagination ran wild. Though I'm not sure how good of an idea that could really be to fall for this girl so quickly I don't even know her and she's at a mental hospital. But I'm at a mental hospital too. So… How bad of an idea could it really be? I'd probably get hurt and hurt her, I know it isn't wise. I was fantasizing about a relationship with a girl across my door. Damn, I really am desperate! She's just another patient, and that's how I should view her because thats all we are here. I'd be crazy to try and fall for her. "Fuck" I muttered followed by a sigh, why does this have to be so complicated? I wanted company yet I can't have it without some sort of catch. I can feel it, as much as I'd like to let my guard down I can feel the world collude against me. The world a conspiracy and me the main target for assassination. I shut my eyes and cuddled with my pillow. I woke up late at night, all the lights were off, the only light coming in was from the moon through my window. My eyes centered on my door as my eyes adjusted. I sat up. My feet touched the ground and my body headed towards the door. Every step raged with curiosity, what was she doing? What was that all about yesterday? What's her name? My hand twisted the door knob and my head peered into the pitch black hallway. I made sure no nurses were out before I stepped forward, my arm raised and gently knocked on the girl's door. I was hoping she would answer and that she wasn't still sedated. I stood for three minutes before leaving. I felt silly, what was I expecting? I wanted her to be there, opening her door, letting me in. I guess I felt lonely again, I figured because of what happened earlier we could have talked and gotten to know one another. Nearly manic is what this was, was I wrong? I felt wrong. Is this obsession? No, obsession is another level of weird. This is just serious loneliness mixed with teenage angst. I can justify it but was I right? I feel pathetic for having such strong desperation, still I wonder what her name is, or what her story is. Perhaps she can relate, I smiled and my kiln like heart brought warmth throughout my body. Maybe i'll get to speak with her tomorrow. My grin widened and the kiln burned hotter remembering how I'd get to speak to Dr. Kristen later. I slept like a giddy child on christmas eve. I woke up bright and early and called my nurse to watch me take my meds. Ten minutes later a lady in pink scrubs handed me two tablets of fluoxetine, I swallowed and as soon as she left, I threw them up. I showered, got dressed in my favorite hoodie and left for breakfast. The sun was barely beginning to rise, I walked towards the cafeteria though since I was early I had to wait for them to serve me any food. While I stood I could hear trees rustling to my right. I shut my eyes to try and imagine a better time far from here. The rustling brought me momentary peace, and the images of a bright sunny afternoon were enough to transform the current predicament i'm in, into an escape but only for a moment. I grabbed my breakfast, when I heard steps. My head twisted left and it was that girl from yesterday. My eyes widened. Streams of tears crept down her cheek, she walked down to sit at one of the seats in the cafeteria. My heart sunk, what was wrong? Before I could rush over and ask, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Dr. Kristen she smiled and said "Hey!" Enthusiastically. "Why are you up so early? Breakfast doesn't even start for another half hour." she asked. "I was just getting some food." I said as we walked towards her office which was just up ahead from the glass doors. "Do you know that girl?" I asked. She shoved her keys into the lock and twisted, "Her? She's just got here..." she said. Her door didn't want to budge so she twisted and jolted her keys, finally with a nice powerful push it opened. "Why? You friends?" she gasped acting shocked. "No, it's just I saw her freaking out yesterday with a bunch of nurses. They had to sedate her." I replied. Her gaze shifted up right. She was now lost in thought. We headed in, she walked towards her desk and I went to my usual spot on her couch. The room was furnished entirely with oak furniture, a grandfather clock stood tall near the door, next to that was an oil painting of the hospital, to my left were two large windows with blinds, behind her desk was a large assortment of bookshelves including some on the wall behind the couch where I was sitting, and on the floor was a tacky carpet. One thing I could never figure out was why Dr. Kristen never bothered to put up any personal pictures or decorations. Maybe it was a staff rule, but it bothered me for some reason. The room had a mature look to it, then again it probably plays into the role of being someone who's supposed to know what's best for you, I mean would you trust someone with your health whose office was at a playground or in the middle of some dark alley inside a cardboard box versus someone in an well decorated office that screams prestige? Kristen recentered her focus back to me "Hmm, she was getting treated for Bipolar disorder, I spoke with her yesterday. She seems like a nice girl. She reminds me a lot of you actually. The more I talked to her, the more it seemed like the two of you were experiencing the same thing." she said with a smile. "How so?" I asked. "Well for starters you're both very honest about your feelings. And from what I could tell, i'm thinking she feels alone. That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about today. I asked the administrator that she be placed in the room across from yours, I think it would be healthy for the both of you to have someone you can talk to. Though none of this is mandatory as you know, I just believe it could be beneficial for the both of you in your treatment." Kristen looked down after saying that. "Sadly the nurses yesterday filed a complaint against her, apparently she hit a few of them. Now she has had a history of acting out, and most private psychiatric hospitals won't accept her anymore. The administration doesn't take to lightly over those sort of things. I'm afraid they're going to kick her out." I went from excitement straight down to panic. "What? No! They can't do that can they?" she shrugged "Is there anything you can do?" I was standing at this point, my voice filled with desperation and anger. We stared at one another with disappointment. Suddenly her demeanour changed, her head tilted and her lips widened into a devilish grin as she asked, "How come your so upset over this girl leaving?" my eyes widened, my voice fled, I stammered, "uh, I...it...it's just, I thought she looked kinda pretty is all." Kristen chuckled and let out a, "awww, that's sweet." she smiled like a happy mother staring at her embarrassed child. My face turned red. Dr. Kristen knew me well enough to understand that I could get attached in a matter of minutes. With that Kristen became serious again, "You should talk to her. You have nothing to lose." I shook my head and stared at the ground then back at Kristen. "Okay, well I should be free tomorrow if you'd like to drop in, I was supposed to be scheduled to Vanessa but, with that complaint she probably won't be here after tomorrow." she said. Vanessa! So that was her name! "That fast?" I asked her. "The administrator comes in every morning to review complaints. If the complaints are severe enough, they usually contact the patient's family and revoke their stay." she said. "Who handles the complaints?" I asked. "Complaints are usually handed to the main office. They sort through all the hospital's paperwork, but i'm not sure if begging is going to work. They're vicious." she replied making devil horns with her fingers. I stared blankly at her carpet listening to tick of her grandfather clock. Each second mocking me with a tic, tic, tic, tic.