20 Chapter 13

Who am I? The girl who writes all the time? The girl who used to do drugs? The girl who does this or that? What is my personality? Everyone knows me as the same person, but that person isn't me. I don't know if anyone really knows who I am. My sense of self is so tarnished that I don't know how to fix it, or find myself.I don't get how people like me ever find themselves. We are so broken, maybe too broken. I feel like not a single person really gets me, yet I don't know how to make people understand me either. It's like a bubble of misunderstandings, and I'm trapped in it. I always have an inner sense of boredom and it is almost like I need things to be crazy to be entertained; to fill the void. The void never even seems fillable until I am so far gone I don't know that I would know the difference anyways. At the end of the day, I know no matter what i do, no matter what i try, the void is not going to be filled, at least not completely. Sometimes it feels full, and I feel complete and whole for a little while, but I always owe that to temporary happiness, or mind altering substances, or really good sex. Sometimes I owe it to breaking into an abandoned house or old office building, but never to myself. I can never fill the void, the emptiness, the constant numb feeling, without something else adding to me that usually is not. I wish more than anything that i knew how to, on my own, get rid of this hellish feeling. I feel bad for my lover, witnessing me at my worst then my best, then my worst again in the span of a fucking week. I hate taking my meds, he has been making me take them, but it makes me so upset that I must take like 11 pills a day to be relatively stable enough to survive. I would not be able to be a part of society off of my meds, I would be in a psychiatric facility somewhere. I know this, because the few days I stopped taking them completely, I had a whole ass mental breakdown a good 90% of that time. So, I can't exactly do that again, no matter how much I want to, and no matter how bad the intrusive thoughts telling me to stop taking my medicine are. I guess being off my meds does tend to give me a high, or a huge sense of euphoria, and that helps me feel like the void is full and I am whole so i tend to like not taking them, but I take them anyways for everyone else's sake. If I were all on my own, and i didnt have my boyfriends feelings to worry about, I would so be off my meds, because fuck them. I love my boyfriend enough to attempt being mentally stable all of the time, but i hate hate hate taking my meds. I feel like a robot right now, like I have no control of what I'm saying and doing, but at the same time, I do. I feel like I am slipping into a dissociative episode. I don't get what I did to deserve everything that's happened to me, and everything that's wrong with me. I am nothing but good to every single soul I meet, no matter what, so long as they respect me.

Court is coming up quickly, and I am not prepared for it at all. I am not prepared to see the stupid bitch, i dont want to see her, I am not scared of her, but she makes me anxious as hell. Just the thought of her in any way having custody of me, or having any control of my life whatsoever kills me. I want to just be done with her officially and completely. I can't be until after court though and who knows if it's going to be more than one day or not. I hope to fucking any god out there that its only a one day process. I can not face the bitch for more than a day. So may things are lined up to fuck her over, but shes such a good manipulator, I really dont want to see her even try to manipulate the judge, and pretend shes the victim here. Knowing her, she will do both, because as she's told me before, she's very good at manipulating men, and the judge is a man. She gets off on manipulating men, and she knows it. She does it on purpose, which is disgusting. She uses men and claims she does not use nor manipulate anyone else, which I highly doubt just because I know her. I wish things were different, but they are always crazy, hectic, and annoying at that.

The way my sisters treat my dad kills me, it makes me sad that they are so rude to him, and so mean. They give no fucks about how he feels, they won't even say "I love you" to him. They constantly tell him how bad of a parent he is, and how he makes their lives "miserable", and how they hate being at home with him. They also say other mean, disrespectful things, but I would go on for hours if i listed everything they say. I know i used to say all kinds of things to him that i should not have, i know i used to be an asshole to him. Now, seeing them do the same thing to him that i used to, it kills me. It kills me for one because i know it hurts him and for two, I wish i never hurt him like that. I hate seeing him hurt because he is my biggest supporter and my number one fan. He has never done anything but what is best for both my sisters and I, unlike Nicole, who never did anything but nearly the worst and from what I have seen and heard, she has not changed one bit. She does not surprise me at all anymore, quite frankly, I would be surprised if she found a way to. I expect absolutely nothing from her, especially not anything good. She ruined my life and every day I get to watch her ruin my sisters lives as well. She has them two days a week and still manages to keep them wrapped around her finger. It is crazy in a sense, like excuse me but how does she do it? I would say why, but there is literally no logical answer to that, and I have already spent far too much time trying to make what she has done completely logical.