3 Part THREE: Ethan

POV: Ethan

Mornings in our house are always an interesting event. Having a hyperactive toddler around the house means that sleeping in is not a luxury that I typically get to indulge in.

Eli woke up this morning bright and early and decided the best way to wake me up was by jumping on my chest and almost giving me a heart attack. Then, when I tried to give him a bath, he made a complete mess of the bathroom that I still have yet to clean up.

I've only been awake for an hour and I'm already physically and mentally exhausted. it truly never gets any easier making sure Eli's needs are met. In fact, it seems to get harder as he gets older. It doesn't help that after all of Ethan's needs are met I still have to worry about the welfare of the pack. After I make sure everyone else is taken care of, there doesn't seem to be any time or energy left for me. I don't mean to complain about being a dad or Alpha because I genuinely love those jobs, I just wish the weight of the world didn't always rest on only my shoulders. I wish I had some help.

'Ethaaannnn, come join me...'

Oh no. I don't have time to fall down that rabbit hole today. The call of the void is just going to have to wait.

Getting Eli dressed for the day was another small adventure because it seems that a small growth spurt has left a lot of Eli's clothes too small for him. And it seems like the clothes that would be in his size are either dirty or destroyed by small holes that Eli somehow found a way to put in them.

Great, just great. For some reason, this small inconvenience seems like such a big deal and I have to actively hold myself back from cursing in front of my son. I bend down so we're on the same level.

"Daddy, What's wong?" Eli asks when he sees me getting frustrated while trying to find him some clothes.

"Nothing is wrong Buddy, daddy is just having trouble finding the right clothes for you to wear today. You keep growing out of all the clothes I buy you and we're gonna have to go shopping again soon." I try to keep my voice light as I reply, but I think Eli understands that I am still upset because he ducks his head as if I had yelled at him.

"Oh, I'm sowwy daddy. I'll try to stop growing," he says sounding sad.

I want to laugh at him, but instead, I bend down so we're on the same level. "I love you, buddy," I say, "and I'm proud that you're growing. Soon you're gonna be big enough to take over the pack from me." I sigh and ruffle his hair with a wistful smile before continuing, "But until then, we're gonna have to go clothes shopping."

"And get you a haircut," I add as an afterthought.

Eli looks distraught at the thought of a haircut and I roll my eyes at the way he is dramatically clinging to my leg in an attempt to change my mind about it. Eli's antics have actually lightened my mood considerably despite myself.

I finally found some pants that fit and had minimal holes, but apparently, I need to do laundry worse than I thought. Well, either that or just buy new clothes, I honestly don't know which is worse. We ran into a small hitch when Eli only wanted to wear one specific pair of underwear, but they were dirty, luckily I was able to talk him down from the edge of hysteria by bribing him with a sugary, completely unhealthy breakfast pastry on the way out the door.

The check-in attendant at the pack nursery is friendly as usual and pulls me into a conversation about some new picture books the teachers would like for the nursery rooms.

"I'm happy to review any budget paperwork you guys put on my desk. You know the procedure," I say tiredly. I am really trying to be patient with this girl, but I think any patience I would have had has been tempered by the morning I've had.

"Yes Alpha, I do believe the forms should be on your desk." The young woman is speaking to me as if she were reminding me and I try to remember if we have had this conversation before. I don't think so, but it is completely possible I could have forgotten.

After promising to look at the nursery budget as soon as I get back to my office I get saved from the conversation by the loud beeping of my phone.

I check my phone to see a message from Dr. Gregory, Shiv's doctor, asking me if I have time today to meet her in Shiv's room. I text her back that I will be there as soon as possible and I head off.

I wonder what Dr. Gregory has to say. I hope she's going to tell me that Shivvy has made a miraculous recovery and I have my whole life back, but I know that's probably not even close.

I get in my car and drive to the hospital in town. I use the drive to organize my thoughts around some of the things I need to get done, such as getting Eli some new clothes and a haircut. This boy is growing too fast and I can't keep up.

Being a single parent is like constantly drowning. I feel like I can never keep my head above water. I don't know what to do. I love Eli with all that I am, but I don't know how to do this on my own. Shivvy made everything look so easy, so effortless, I just look like a bumbling idiot. I wish there was a manual for this.

Other than taking care of Eli, I also need to make sure I go over the pack paperwork in my office, check in on pack training, review budget proposals, and put out whatever other fires popped up overnight.

I pull up to the hospital and no matter how positive I try to be, I can't think of any positive outcome of today's meeting. I brush my sweaty palms on my jeans and put on a mask of confidence to hide how I am truly feeling. Right now I don't feel like a strong and confident Alpha, but I have to convince my pack that I am regardless.

I wish I could find a reason to procrastinate going into that room and having a meeting with the doctor, but I can't think of a good reason.

I don't know what I would do without Shiv in my life, even though she is but a ghost of a memory of her former self. I don't know who I would be without her presence. I wouldn't have Eli if not for her. I wouldn't have the memories of my beautiful mate to lull me to sleep, and I definitely wouldn't have had anyone to save me from myself.

It takes me more than ten minutes to even convince myself to get out of the car, and another few minutes to collect myself well enough to begin the trek to her room. While I walk I pull my Alpha mask of confidence and unshakability around myself. Hopefully, it is enough.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Hopefully, if I repeat this to myself like a mantra, it will eventually become true.

As I'm walking towards Shiv's room, I am flooded by memories of this hospital. I force myself to only focus on the good memories. Thoughts of prenatal appointments, Eli's birth, and even newborn checkups fly through my mind. All of these occasions were when Shiv and I were together.

The sunshine that seeps through the windows of the hallway seems a little darker without my Luna.

I finally make it to room 408, and Dr. Gregory meets me at the door with a misleading smile. "Alpha, thank you for meeting with me today," she says. Dr. Gregory is a short greying woman in her late 40s, with plenty of stress lines adorning her face. Ever since she transferred into the pack several years ago, she has been an incredible asset to the pack hospital. Dr. Gregory has been with me through some of the most important moments of my life. Not only is she the doctor that delivered my son, but she has been the doctor assigned to my mate ever since she has been here. There are so many pack members that owe Dr. Gregory their lives, not the least of which is the former packless wolves that the volunteers to rehabilitate in her spare time.

"Thank you doctor for calling me here to give me an update on my mate," I reply. I am trying to sound formal, though I think my voice comes out more robotic than anything.

Dr. Gregory waves me into the room and I robotically follow behind her. As with every time I enter this room, my eyes immediately scan down her from to check for any new movement. She looks the same as she always does and I am immediately crushed like so many times before.

Flashes of her battered and bloody body lying limp in my arms tears through my brain without my permission and the familiar red-hot rush of rage floods my body. I breathe in the smell of the antiseptic room to try to remember where I am, but it just makes me more mad. I am filled with the instance to hunt and kill anyone who has any connection to my mate being in this room right now. I am normally a pretty peaceful Alpha, but when it comes to my mate's condition I would kill without hesitation.

'They are all dead, you're the only one who's left,' my subconscious reminds me.

"...no change to the Luna's condition..." I am brought back to the present by the sound of Dr. Gregory's voice and I am momentarily calmed until I am able to process what she is telling me.

"...remains in a catatonic state..." she says evenly as if she is not crushing what is left of my soul. "...shows no signs of waking..."

My brain wanders as I struggle to ignore the information the doctor is giving me. My eyes once again rake down my mate's prone form. This time I am able to stay in the present and I assess her appearance.

Once upon a time, you couldn't catch her without a smile that went all the way up into her eyes and right down into her very soul. There is no expression on her face now, though her mouth is open to accommodate her feeding tube in a grotesque approximation of the life she once had. The hair that used to flow down her back like a river of honey-colored silk now lies limp and lifeless behind her head. Her amber eyes, the same ones she passed to our son, are hidden behind her almost translucent eyelids. Her skin no longer holds the evidence of long days spent in the sun and the only color in her skin comes from her veins trying to pump blood throughout her body. She is a truly horrifying sight, yet I can't help but find her the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

I admit it has been far too long since I have visited. It's so hard for me to look at this version of my love. This wraith is no longer the woman I built my life with. It's so hard for me to think about her like this and not like she was before. Sometimes it is easier for me to imagine she is dead.

If it weren't for the rhythmic beeping of her heart monitor, It would almost be like she was dead.

Is she dead? Am I truly just hanging on to a ghost?