1 Who am i?
Who am i? Is this who I want to be? What is my identity? All those questions circle and surround me every single day, hour, minute and second. Kindergarten I found out I was different from others I had odd feelings I was crushing on a boy at the same time I was crushing on a girl... Some people may find it disgusting or wrong... 6 years later I'm 12 years old since I have figured out, I am genderfluid and I'm bisexual. Who am I? Is a question I keep asking myself and to be honest I don't know? Whatever I do just seems pointless... as I try to become who I want to be and paint out of the perfect picture that was painted for me.
My mother gets annoyed with me and each time I don't want to eat, or I don't want to go somewhere its always threats Hispanic mothers I know but she talks about how much pain I cause her without her even noticing or knowing all the pain she causes me it's like a blade stabs through my heart countless times that I don't know how to connect it back together. Everyday it's like I'm living the exact same day repeatedly the questions I've heard to make my days like that are "why are you always so mad" "what's with you temper" "smile" "wear this" "be like me." to the point where I don't even feel safe anymore, I don't know where I am and when I seem to get closer to the exit where I can feel the air hitting me in a warm touch when I can finally lift the pressure put on me it gets farther away... Suicidal thoughts aren't that close to me, but I can feel my anger calling out for it because it's not anger anymore it's the rage my sadness cries out for the feeling of not being able to be who I am the loneliness makes me question people around me I can't trust anyone I've learned to never rely on someone because they may hurt you just like other have hurted you in the past it's like I'm looked in a cage where I can't breathe where everyone's thoughts of me lock me up in a world where I'm just another back character where I'm just supposed to follow the script and lines that were written for me. This is the world I live in, my feelings and opinions don't count ill just cause another disaster that way. What is my identity? I'd love to answer that question where I can find confidence and be the leader of my pack instead of being below a person with power. As I finish up writing this, I realize how much I'd love to lead my way into the world where as I travel and discover new things that will lead me to the future I wish and desire for Theres many things in my bucket list I want to do but for now I like in the shadows barely noticed I know I will one day make a comeback to the world and be myself.
