19 faith in loss

Striding deeper into the thick of the forests, Vaelyn and Kit follow their own paths as they climb over stumps and crush twigs beneath their feet. The gentle tweets and calls of animals far beyond them return to their normal pitches, the bustling sounds of illusion and deceit no longer blanketing the whistles of the breeze.

Kit holds her hand as they approach the first building since they left the outskirts of the city, only half an hour further into the wilderness. The wooden structure looks tattered and worn as if it were standing only by the grace of time. Vaelyn tries to analyze the structure and how it was built, passing through the entrance that lacks any doors to its hinges. The walls rest without windows, the sunbeams crawling through the holes in the ceiling as it arches. Rows of wooden seats are placed symmetrically to face a pedestal in the front of a stage as if a great speech were to commence in the room. Vaelyn pauses as she walks the rows, her eyes fixating on the wooden carving above the pedestal. As she nears the front of the only room in the building, she studies a christian cross marked into the wall.

"What are we doing here?" Vaelyn asks Kit, who sits her down on one of the benches.

"My house is right next to this place — it used to be an old church from way long ago," Kit holds Vaelyn's shoulder, "Wait here, there's a spare key to my house behind it. My parents are out running errands."

"Be quick, and come back immediately, okay?" Vaelyn says, worried that if the girl gets lost, she can't come to search for her. Her blindness has kept her relying on the child now, her protection lost by the clouds of hallucinations.

"I will," Kit whispers. She steps over a few patches of stray wood, running back out to the entrance, and leaving Vaelyn in the church with her thoughts.

Vaelyn stares off into space, her blindness keeping her from letting her eyes wander to the blurs of blues and browns that wash over her eyes. She hears the crunches of twigs again, and turns her head behind her, listening in as the child returns to the entrance.

"Did you find it?" Vaelyn asks the figure as it moves past the broken hinges, making its way closer to her.

"Find what?" A voice responds, but it isn't Katherine's. The feminine respondent is older, seemingly Vaelyn's age, and as their figure approaches Vaelyn, she realizes that they're as tall as her, too.

"What did you do with Kit?" Vaelyn looks up to the new woman fearfully, shivering at the sight of the wanderer who entered the church at the same time that she did.

"Who's Kit?" The woman sits down next to Vaelyn, but keeps her distance so she doesn't frighten her.

"Oh," Vaelyn pauses, her fear of the child getting lost climbing over the idea that this may just be a wandering traveler just as she is now. "I'm sorry, I-"

"You're deep in your thoughts, I understand. This is the place to do it, after all," The woman tells Vaelyn quietly.

"Oh, I'm not- interested in religion," Vaelyn mentions. The woman stays quiet for a moment.

"Why is that, if you don't mind sharing?" The woman asks her.

"I should really be going," Vaelyn says, standing up and holding the row of seats in front of her.

"Where is it that you really have to be?"

"I shouldn't be here," Vaelyn tells the woman. A few birds tweet in response before the woman can find one herself.

"Where should you be, then?" The woman questions, tilting her head to the side. Vaelyn sits back down slowly, realizing that there isn't a destination that she must meet. She's been guided by the child this whole time, never leading her own path through the wilderness. If it were her being the one to lead, she'd be weighing the earth with her body right now. "It's okay. This is the place where you find where you need to be."

"It's not anywhere on Earth, I can promise you that," Vaelyn says under her breath, resting her back on the seat again.

"Why is that?" The woman puts an arm over her seat, relaxing in the subtle breeze that creeps through the thin, shattered windows.

"You ask a lot of questions, don't you?" Vaelyn looks at the woman.

The woman shrugs. "Asking questions about yourself helps you find answers. You're in here for a reason, and I thought I'd help you find out why. Hell, I don't even know why I'm in here either. I'm off on my own little stroll through the woods and found you along the way. Thought I'd take this opportunity to learn something about someone."

"You don't know me," Vaelyn bites.

"I don't need to know who you are," the woman says. "You need to know who you are."

"I'm Vaelyn," she shrugs, "I'm a patient, and I hate the world because it hates me. My parents were never proud of me for what I did, and I lost a person I love to suicide. There's my story."

The woman sits in silence again, likely trying to absorb everything that she just heard.

"You don't think that doing the same would help you get to them, would you? Getting to the one that you loved?" The woman asks, no longer wanting the answer for herself.

"I've been in the hospital for three years and I just got released today," Vaelyn tells her story. "Within the time I spent there, I met a girl on the first day that I got there that helped me through my first months in the facility -- her name was Elise. It was life-changing shit, hon, I mean- it's a prison for the mental. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. She helped me figure that out, showing me all the ropes to how the world worked within those ivory walls. With time, we started growing a connection that anyone can have with a person. You know, we got close, we talked all the time, and we shared everything together."

"Why would they leave you behind?" The woman asks.

Vaelyn sits in silence, thinking hard about her answer.

"It's a hospital, not a home," Vaelyn explains. "She got discharged long before I did. Hell, things were okay for a while. She'd call me whenever she'd get the chance, tell me she loved me, and how her life outside of the facility was going to be like. She had big dreams, big plans, and she said she'd wait for me for all of it."

The woman pets her shoulder as she talks. Vaelyn feels tears well up in her eyes again, her thoughts starting to lock onto the woman that she loved before her world went hollow.

"What happened?" the woman asks.

"Her calls became less frequent. She fell into a very quick depression when she couldn't figure out what she wanted. The abuse that she went through with her parents is what brought her down, and that's why we connected in the first place. We had caretakers that didn't take care of us very well. They gave us all the things we needed physically, but mentally, they didn't give a shit. They were too caught up in their own lives, their own opinions, their own pride. It seems that she got swooped up in the pride of the rest of the world, so she abandoned it. She abandoned the earth, and she abandoned me right along with it. She showed me the ropes of death and how to use them before she used them on herself. That was it. That's the end of it," Vaelyn cries softly under her breath, trying not to let her words crack with her heart.

The woman continues to pet her, soothing her under the sunbeams.

Vaelyn lowers her voice. "I'm so upset about what she did, but I loved her so much that I couldn't be upset for long. I think I'm more upset that she is gone at all than the idea that she did it herself."

"I'm so sorry that happened to you," the woman tells Vaelyn.

"That's why I don't believe in faith," Vaelyn continues, "Faith is hope, and hope doesn't work in reality. You can't hope for something that won't happen."

"What if I told you that it never happened?" The woman asks gently. Vaelyn looks at her with rivers running down her cheeks.

"What are you talking about?" Vaelyn stifles. The woman leans closer to Vaelyn, inching closer with every silent moment that passes, and presses her forehead against Vaelyn's in hopes that she'll remember the one who left her behind.

"She made it to you," she whispers. Vaelyn reaches for her cheek, studying her face to be the same as the one she had memorized ever since it left her grasp. For the first time in years, it is finally back to rest in her palms.

"Elise?" Vaelyn sobs. She hugs the love of her life and holds their body in her arms, crying heavily into Elise's shoulder. "Where have you been after all this time?"

"The hospital knew we were in a relationship," Elise tries to explain, "They started refusing my requests to call you after I was discharged. You know how stern they were about those rules. I am so sorry they kept me from getting to you."

Vaelyn hugs her closer, sobbing uncontrollably, her words muffled into whispers of tranquility. Vaelyn's holds onto the body she thought she lost, lovingly rocking Elise back and forth. She inhaled deeply, taking in the reality that the breezes she had felt have always had a hint of Elise's breaths to keep her awake. The birds were sent from her palms, the trees waving to protect the one that she loved, and the earth blossomed to keep Vaelyn safe from the dangers that Elise saw beyond those clouded walls.

"How did you find me?" Vaelyn whines.

"It was luck, honestly. I take this walk every day during this time," Elise mentions. Vaelyn smiles and laughs, kissing Elise deeply as an acceptance to her apology. She holds her face, releases her lips, and presses her forehead onto Elise's another time.

"I forgive you," Vaelyn says and closes her eyes.

Kit watches them from the side of the row, her walk into the church completely silent, and calls out to them gently.

"That's gross," the little girl says.

Vaelyn looks to Kit, happy that she's returned safely, and smiles wide. Elise waves softly to Kit, and the child gifts her with a smile of her own.

"What's gross?" Vaelyn asks her. Kit crawls between the rows and meets up with the two, twirling a small house key in her fingers.

"You two kissed," Kit says, her face scrunching up. "Are you ready?"

"Oh," Vaelyn freezes, realizing that she still had a sun to bring back to orbit. She found her north star, her guidance in the world, and she knows now that the earth was trying to lead her here after all this time. She feels serenity again, the numbness leaving her body no longer eternal, and her heart yearns for more. She can't let her leave another time.

"Don't worry," Elise holds Vaelyn's hands. "You can find me here every time the sun meets the center of the sky, and we'll feel the gravity of the moon under our feet as we dance together, yes?"

Vaelyn nods and Elise kisses her cheek. Kit smiles and turns to the entrance. Vaelyn stands, letting go of Elise's hand for the first time again in too long, hopeful that they will see each other again. The ropes haven't tied either of them to its grasp, and perhaps this is the meaning of hope. The dream that those they love are still traveling safely across the bridges of the world's craters, following the stars as their compass as they return to their homes. For Vaelyn, that star belongs to the one that she loves, a hint of the innocence she desires delicately woven in the glow of bright blue irises. Every journey has an end, but it doesn't always have to end in death.