338 Chapter 320: Antipsychotic medication…

It's been five hours since I chased away the female ninjas, but my hands haven't stopped shaking.

The female ninja Sagiri Ameno wanted to apologize for causing a confrontation, but I ignored her and headed to the room Chitose gave me.

I made Yuuna leave the room, asked Tsubaki, Nia, and Yoko to leave me alone for a moment, and closed the room door.

I had Ortro guard the entrance of the room so no one would try to talk to me, then covered the walls with [Anti-Rasen].

My self-control kept breaking down, I couldn't control my body and mind, my desires to hurt the people I love keep growing and I was losing my self-control.

Once inside the room, I used my new skill.

[Phobia] is a skill that modifies my environment to cover me with my biggest fears.

With [Mythomania], I made most of my fears focus on claustrophobia, then used activated [Phobia] at the same time as using [Masochism] to strengthen that skill.

I once saw a news story about the cages in which poor Hong Kong citizens live.

They are small rectangular cages one meter high by two meters long, tiny spaces where people live and pay very high rents.

When I saw that news, I was envious of those people. Even if those cages were tiny and uncomfortable, at least they were a little refuge where they felt safe, or at least some tried to.

I have reflected for a long time and realized that I have a house, but I have never had a home.

A house is a roof over your head, but a home is a place where you feel safe and at peace. It is possible to have a house without having a home.

Even in my personal worlds, I don't feel at home as I am always thinking about how to make my wives and daughters happy. I'm always busy planning my next moves to survive in the multiverse and expand my harem.

My stupid need to seduce troublesome women has made me incapable of having a place where I feel safe, even the inside of my head is a hotel for troublesome women, so my own thoughts don't give me peace of mind.

Over time I have realized that my obsession with obtaining a house was not about the search for a space that belonged to me, but the desire to have a place where I felt safe.

Even with Tsubaki, Shigure, and other women I love, I don't feel safe, since I always want to protect them and don't think about my own safety, which is obvious in my self-destructive behaviors.

Throughout my life, I have never come across anything like this as I am always attentive to taking care of the people who matter and I never had someone to take care of me.

Now, at the hot spring inn, I finally found a bit of safety.

I didn't need to do laundry, I didn't need to make beds, I didn't need to cook, I didn't need to sweep, I didn't need to take care of other people. For once, I was able to close my eyes and let other people take care of everything.

It was relaxing, it was the most relaxing time of my life.

Chitose, Nonko and Yaya. Those three women have become too precious to me, not in a loving sense, but something else, something I can't describe in words.

Although it sounds strange, those three women gave me the feeling of comfort and security that only a home gives.

It was relaxing, it was very nice.

Thus, I totally lost my mind at the thought that that peace would be ruined.

The thought of one of the three of them being injured caused me discomfort comparable to losing one of my favorite wives like Shigure or Tsubaki.

Although they are safe, my head doesn't calm down.

I want to destroy everything, I want to control everything, I want to own everything, I want to eliminate everything, I want to get everything...…

There are no voices in my head because it is my own voice that screams and growls and cries.

My voice pleads for my body to move to eliminate the Concept of Freedom throughout the multiverse.

I totally lost control and am using [Anti-Rasen] to form a straitjacket to restrict my movements, but it's not enough.

I used [Phobia] to make my claustrophobia into a cage like the ones I saw on the news about Hong Kong.

Within this space, the flow of time is frozen to increase the fear of uncertainty, so I can be here for a long time without my wives noticing my absence.

Even now, I still put the welfare of my wives above my own suffering….

At first, I screamed non-stop as I banged my head against the walls until my skull cracked.

Over and over again, I hit the cage walls to free myself, but that only made my claustrophobia grow, increasing the cage's durability.

I managed to break through the straitjacket and hit the cage, even starting to scratch it until my bone fingers turned to dust from the friction.

Fear, hate, panic, frustration, and despair filled my heart and I kept hitting the cage.

Fortunately, despair made me forget my skills, so I didn't use my Stand to escape or things would become dangerous for my loved ones.

I lost the notion of time.

I screamed until my throat was torn apart, I even tried to stop thinking by digging my fingers into my head to crush my brain, but I avoided using the mind-destroying skill so I'm fine, it just hurt a little.

I don't know how long I was screaming, crying, and hitting the walls, but I finally managed to regain consciousness.

I was able to stabilize my mind a bit, but I still feel unsteady.

Nyaruko said that the best way to overcome a bout of dementia is to give in to destructive instincts, but that's not good for me.

The first time Nyaruko had a fit of madness, she invaded thousands of worlds to steal treasures. She caused one of the largest genocides in the multiverse to such an extent that Hell and Paradise joined forces to assassinate her.

She survived as the Anti-Madness formula did not yet exist, but she fell into a deep sleep for several millennia.

Abby and BB went through similar situations and that's why I can't take that path.

If I lose self-control, I will hurt my loved ones, but if I choose to send my mind to the Dream Realm, then I will be in a coma for an indefinite amount of time, leaving my wives and daughters alone and unprotected.

I have too many responsibilities and I can't afford to disappear.

I envy useless men who can abandon their families without guilt.

After my mind regained some clarity, I began to think of options.

I can't deal with my mental instability on my own. My Obsession stats are strengthening my insanity attack and at any moment I'll lose my self-control again.

Accepting one's own weakness is not a bad thing, because no one can do everything. Sometimes it is better to admit our inability to solve a problem and seek help.

Arriving at this point, I found a possible solution.

Among all my skills, [Anti-Rasen] energy has helped me the most to maintain self-control, but there is something else that has helped me not to lose my mind.

With the regenerative abilities of the black blood, Auriel's blessing has become less useful and I only use it to appear as a Hero. I can even heal other people using the reality distortion of [Schizophrenia] and [Rasen].

Still, Auriel's blessing has not stopped trying to help me maintain mental stability.

My Madness is not a negative effect as it is the source of my power, so the blessing cannot heal my insanity, but the blessing helps me endure suffering through the Concept of Hope.

The hope of overcoming adversity, the hope of being happy, the hope of protecting my loved ones, the hope of succeeding. All of this is what fosters Auriel's blessing.

It is a power that embodies Auriel's compassion and kindness in the form of hope.

It's hard to make an accurate analysis without the help of System Goddess and [Paranoia], but my analysis indicates that Auriel can use her Hope to help me regain self-control.

For this, the blessing is not enough, I need to see Auriel in person. If she uses her abilities directly on my body, it's possible to stabilize my mind and heal the wounds left by the 731 poison.

I found a solution, but that brought new problems.

For starters, it's hard to have a personal meeting with Auriel.

Even if she is not taken seriously in Paradise and indeed many people make fun of her behind her back, her existence is one of the most valuable treasures in Paradise, so she is under strict surveillance.

Another problem is that there are many spies among Auriel's troops, so other organizations might obstruct my meeting with her.

Lastly and most dangerously, my Madness energy makes me an enemy of almost the entire multiverse. If it is found that I can stabilize this energy, everyone will want to eliminate me to prevent the Outer Gods from forming an organization.

The increased power in [Reader's Madness] strengthened [Mythomania] so I can easily fool the members of Paradise, but my Madness will be visible when Auriel starts to heal my wounds.

Auriel's kindness reaches the point of the naiveté, so I can convince her to help me and accept Madness users, but the people who watch her closely will think otherwise.

Leylin told me that she has spies working right next to Auriel. Thanks to them, he discovered that members of the racist faction and other organizations did the same.

Auriel is a bird locked in a museum where everyone watches her every move. If it weren't for her body not needing to defecate, she would be watched even while doing her business.

To receive Auriel's help I need an opportunity where she and I are alone, or at least only completely trustworthy people watch, which is unrealistic.

Even if the idealistic faction claims to accept all races, they don't see Madness wielders as people, but as abominations that must be eradicated.

I can convince Auriel to help me, but I need a chance to talk in private.

There is a way to achieve it and that is with the help of Seraph.

Auriel has absolute confidence in my wife and I even think she sees her as her best friend, although Seraph doesn't consider herself worthy of that friendship.

Auriel's blessing can see through lies, deceit, and evil intentions, so Auriel must be able to distinguish between the people who truly value her and those who only see her as an object. Because of this, she treasures Seraph as she is totally loyal.

With Seraph's help, I may have a chance to see Auriel in person, but that will come at a cost.

To begin with, Seraph will discover that I am an Outer God, which will cause doubts in her heart as she will realize that I lied to her in almost everything I have told her so far.

Seraph has a serious inferiority complex and a high need for approval to feel useful, but at the same time, she is an intelligent and rational woman, so she will feel betrayed if she finds out what I am without me telling her directly.

The best thing would be to tell her a lot of the truth to show my sincerity, that way, she will still feel hurt, but she won't lose all her trust in me, and she will even love me much more in the future since I will show her the greatest show of trust.

That way, she will be under my complete control.....................…

...............…

ah shit, no, I don't want her to be a puppet, she's my wife.

Stupid obsessive desires.

Now, there are still several factors that can cause a problem, for example, someone else could discover our conversation which would put me in danger since the best way to talk to Seraph would be in the territory of Paradise.

Objectively, this plan has some dangerous points that could make it a suicide plan, but it is the best option.

I'm running out of time as I can feel my head filling up with thoughts I don't want to have, also I want to be honest with my wife as she has done a lot for me...…..

Attachment feelings… they're not so stupid after all.

I turned off [Phobia] and thought to have a video call with Seraph to convey my sincerity.

It makes me feel uncomfortable manipulating Seraph's emotions since she has done so much for me despite not knowing me in person, but this is for the greater good. Not for my own greater good anymore, but for her and Auriel's. The information Leylin gave me proves it.

When the call started, I remembered that I didn't use [Mythomania] to hide my injuries, so I had to improvise.

This oversight was convenient as it fostered Seraph's feelings of concern, which made her emotionally vulnerable to my honesty.

Although this turned out well, I am being too careless since the migraine prevents me from thinking straight.....

My mind is falling apart...

Seraph seemed to have stupid thoughts which made me angry. I will not let her sacrifice her own life, she is my wife, only mine.........

...…..

I had to close my eyes before I lost self-control.

Anyway, I achieved my initial purpose since Seraph agreed to see me, but I feel sick and want to die at least three times.

Her look full of sadness does not leave my mind ........

Stupid feelings of attachment.

For now, I sighed.

My eyes still have the passive effect of [Reader's Perspective], so going to Paradise will cause my mind to be overwhelmed with information, but I need to fix my mind as soon as possible or I will hurt my wives.

I sighed and left the room. It's only been ten seconds since I locked myself in, but Tsubaki looks at me with extreme concern. She is the woman who knows me best so she can sense what happened to me.

Tsubaki hugged me tightly and didn't say a word, there was no need to talk.

I sighed and hugged her carefully. – "Let's go to Paradise, I found a possible cure"

"Okay, I'll accompany you wherever you want to go" – Tsubaki spoke softly.

We ignored the people who were watching us and hugged each other in silence for a few minutes.

I really need to fix my mental instability, I don't want to hurt this lovely woman...….