35.The loneliness whithin

Lord Liu felt awkward. Does he really look like he can't take care of his own sister? ''I am here. How can you say such a thing? It is not like she has no family at all. My sister has me. You can't steal her from me.''

The servant stocked for a moment, then a knowing smile appeared on her face and so she started nodding. ''Yes, yes our young Lord can handle everything. I am foolish to step in. But your Lordship, is it possible for me to stay by our miss's side? My children are already big and can care about themselves. I think she could use someone like me by her side. I am sure that Xiao Ran is amazing but can she handle everything?''

Lord Liu looked at Xiao Ran. "You know your mistress the best. We will do as you recommend." He was no fool. This child had better bearing than most ladies in the capital. That could mean only two things. First, she was from a noble family. Or she was highborn that was trained in the palace.

Both answers meant that his sister was getting proper training as well. Looking the way her bearing is, she must have learned quite a bit. That will help her... later on.

Xiao Ran knew his thoughts and was quite grateful. She stood up quickly and bowed towards Lord Liu. "Please, Sir. I beg of you choose the servants around mistress as you wish. As her brother, I am quite certain you will choose appropriate people." Then she bowed one more time and stood quietly by Liu Mei's side.

Liu Mei on the other hand just looked at the picture and thought about her life. She didn't feel sad but regretful at all. No matter how much she thought about it, she didn't regret it. Her sons were her piece of meat and no matter how much they detested, her she still had them in her heart.

Her sons... She can't stay here... the Dragon...

She turned her head towards them and suddenly her face became serious and composed. "Brother, thank you for accepting me, but I can't stay here. That old man said I need to wait for the Dragon. But my home is the other place. Please understand me. I can't let my children live in a living hell, only because I am selfish and want a comfortable life and family. I can feel your love and care. Truly..."

His emotions could be seen even tho he tried to control them. "But that place..."

She rose her hand to stop him with a slight smile. "That place is good enough. I feel comfortable inside. And its mine. Looking at that person's prediction I won't be living there anyway. Brother, I am happy I met you in my life. Now I know that there is someone who cares about me. It is enough."

Hua Lan felt her heart squeezing, as that bit of light that came from happiness, slowly dimmed in Liu Mei's eyes. It seems she will just accept her fate and live by it. But if she does that, he...

Lord Liu's face became calm as well. He knew what fate she will have, so he understood her feelings completely. Maybe it is indeed better if she feels nothing. If nothing else, after giving birth to the dragon child, if the dragon is not happy with her, he can still take her home and give her all the love she deserves.

Hua Lan really couldn't understand these two people's line of thought. But what could she do? She knew that both of them were quite stubborn when they chose to do something.

"Fine, let's go back to your home. This place anyway needs cleaning and renovation." She slipped her arm under Liu Mei's and started walking back to the main gate.

Liu Mei knew that Hua Lan just accepted her decision and felt easier in her heart. Behind them stiff-faced Lord Liu Shen was walking, that was thinking about her past. How badly did she live in the other world?

They came back to her door and opened it. She somehow relaxed seeing her small garden, her house and hearing familiar noises of birds. The servants went to take care of their duties silently, while three people silently sat down and watched the rising moon in the sky.

''It is already this late? How funny. I didn't even realize that.'' Her whisper could be heard echoing in the night while she looked at the moon with teary eyes. ''Why is my destiny like this, brother? No matter what, I do not deserve to live bad. What is wrong with having a peaceful life? A truly peaceful life. This place here is my sanctuary. I love it here. Can't I just stay here?''

Hua Lan was about to speak but Liu Shen just touched her arm and shook his head. With tears in her eyes, she looked at Liu Mei that was lost in thoughts. Completely in her own world.

Tear by tear slid down her cheeks silently, noiselessly and with each drop, her grievances became bigger. But she didn't sob or cry out loud, just the tears quietly run down her cheeks, as her eyes were glued to the shiny ball on the sky.

The moon shone so brightly on my face

But why do I feel so alone

Can't it give me a bit embrace

What do I have to atone?

My family by my side

Many things keeping us apart

Even with them, my loneliness is amplified

Do I have to leave them and again depart?

Oh you cruel Moon, heavens child

Give me some hope and joy

Don't let me be gone and exiled

Don't play with me like some kind of toy.

Help me please to have good days

To live peaceful and content

Let me be lazy on my chaise

And to your wish, I will consent.

To give the Dragon a loving child

Save those two boys of mine

Then I shall become reconciled

Then I will be peaceful and fine.

While you in darkness shine

Shine the path of mine

That I can travel and go

To the next world without a foe.

I shall beg of you now

Will bow as many times as you wish to you

Please forgive me my sin, let go of me

I shall beg you until the sky turns blue

So my wishes can become true.

Liu Mei went onto her knees and started praying. As she stood up Xiao Ran quickly put a soft pillow under her knees and shook her head as she could see the two rushing to stop her. ''If you stop her now she might do it next time three days or ten days. My mistress is quite a stubborn one. If she chose to pray, she will pray. I will prepare everything. Luckily it is the night... luckily.''

So the two people just waited for her to stop but after some time passed they remembered her whisper...'' until the sky turns blue...'' They looked at Xiao Ran that looked at her body with an anxious face.

From time to time she would give her a bit water to drink and then she would continue. The whole night long. The man in the darkness grew angrier by the minute. ''What is making you so anxious that you have to hurt yourself? Do you hate it so much to be by my side, or is that you miss that bastard? What can I do? Please...''

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head. ''She has no idea who you are. And as it seems she misses her children, not the man. She never mentioned him not even once.'' His friend and guard tried to calm him down.

But his eyes shook as he saw her thin face growing even paler then it was before. ''What if she hates it to be by my side?''

''Then let her go and see the country. Let her go to visit her brother often. Let her have a child herself. There are so many options...'' His words made him have a slight hope, as he turned his head towards her.

''I shall try that. Maybe I can let her live as she wants. Peaceful and happy. And if she gains a child, maybe she will stop thinking too much. Don't you think?'' His hopeful words hung in his mind and let him gain a small smile on his lips again...