1 It’s decided

I decided to die. Basically to kill myself, but not actually do it. I value my eternal and it would be too harsh to spend it in hell, that's why I am afraid to sin, but I came up with a plan: a suicide plan.

On Monday November 16, I decided that tomorrow I will stop eating. That's how I will end it. I will starve myself to death, but it's not a new idea (you'll understand what am I talking about later). Right now… I honestly can't wait to die. This thing was going on for a while now but only yesterday I realized it's not just a mood swing. I don't want anything anymore. Money or drugs? they won't allure me into staying here. And what about happiness or love? now that's just funny, they will never make me fulfilled. I just want to be dead, that's all I want.

Everything is so boring and I am just so empty now I don't know what to do with my life. I used to feel pain, now I just feel nothing. I figured that I am a failure and I suck at everything. Especially school. Being smart was always important to me but I don't know if I fit in that category. I always considered myself socially smart and never academically smart because I don't think that matters at all but unfortunately we live in a society where moral values have no meaning, it doesn't matter how good of a person you are, success requires some things, which I don't think I have.

This is my beginning and I don't even know if it's good. My short life was filled with so much trauma that has done nothing but bad things, maybe I could finally use it to create something good, I'm thinking a book. At least some shadows of memory will remain about me, still going alive and well, but also maybe not, I will never know.