19 Funeral

When Gram said Clarise was arrogant, she wasn't kidding. That woman was the epitome of hoity toity. Highbrow hooch anyway. She showed up not long after breakfast with an equally snobbish and rather fat girl not much older than me and a small toddler. She walked into the house without knocking wearing a large brim hat, sunglasses and white gloves. She was as high society as Gram was hippie. She stopped when she saw me and as she was removing her long white gloves, she made the remark, "Lord love a duck, Gertie. You're still taking in strays I see." She took off her sunglasses revealing blue eyes that were buried in way too much makeup. Her perfume burned the hair out of my nose making me scrunch it up at her. She then grabbed my face in her hand with her fake nails digging into my cheeks and turned my head from side to side as if inspecting me. "What gutter did you peel this one out of." I'm about to show her some 'gutter' by snatching those god-awful fake eyelashes right off her face.

Gram grabbed me by the arm and pulled me away from the woman before I could carry out my idea. Mars came into the room and put herself between me and the arrogant visitor, causing the woman to back up a bit. I've decided I like this dog after all. I scratched her ears as she leaned into me without taking her eyes off of Clarise. "This..." she spoke so calmly that it scared me stiff. "...is my granddaughter, Melissa, not gutter trash."

"Granddaughter, huh." She said eyeing from top to bottom and back. "Didn't think Jimmy had it in him. Alcohol must've been involved."

Okay, that's it. No one gets insult my uncle but me. Those eyelashes are mine. I stepped towards the woman, but Gram tightened her hold. "You know what, Melissa, honey. Why don't you go out and gather the eggs?" I didn't want to leave. I wanted to snatch her hat and stomp on it. But I promised to behave, so I left to gather eggs. As I was walking out the front door, I overheard Gram say, "She's Jeremy and Sarah's kid."

"Jeremy?! I didn't know they had adopted."

"They didn't."

"Hooked up with a pregnant woman, then. You did say he got his balls shot off in Iraq, didn't you?"

"Oh, Clare." Gram groaned, Mars whine growled. The fat girl laughed. The baby puked and I closed the door. I'd heard enough.

I hid out in the barn until I saw that crazy woman's car leave. The few short minutes I spent with her made me understand why Gram did what she did to the kitchen because I had just done the same thing the straw in Bojangles' stall. He didn't seem to mind too much though. He just stood out of the way and snorted a reply whenever I asked him a question. 'What gutter did you peel this one out of?' The nerve. Once I calmed myself down, I cleaned up Bojangles' stall and gave him fresh straw and treated him with some oats for listening to rant.

I came out of the barn with the basket of eggs I had gathered and since I was watching where my feet were stepping rather than looking to where I was going, per usual, I walked right in Jimmy, nearly dropping the eggs in the process, also per usual. "Sorry," I muttered.

"You should watch where you're going. People who don't pay attention usually end up getting somebody hurt!"

"I said 'sorry'." I argued.

"Yeah. You say that a lot. Do you even know what it means?"

"What's that supposed to mean!?" I demanded.

He stared at me with his black-brown eyes with anger and pain matching my own. He opened his mouth to say something then closed it as breathed out a sigh of frustration through his nostrils. "Never mind." He said finally and stalked past me, disappearing into the barn.

I stomped into the house indignantly, setting the eggs into cartons with a little more force than necessary. Yes, I broke one in the process. Okay, two but when she took over the project to save the rest of the eggs, I apologized. "I'm sorry." But was I? Maybe Jimmy was right, and I don't know what it means to be sorry. Maybe they're just words used to avoid a fight. "I don't know what that means, do I?" I whispered to Gram as she put the last egg in the carton.

"To be sorry?"

"That's what Jimmy said."

She smiled sympathetically at me as she placed a few stray hairs behind my ear. "Oh, well I suppose Jimmy is an expert on being sorry. He has been so sorry for so long that he has forgotten all about forgiveness."

"I don't understand why, but he seems to hate me. The way he looks at me. He avoids me like I have the plague or something. And today he jumped me for apologizing when I ran into him."

"I assure you, the only person Jimmy hates, is himself."

"Why?"

"Why does anyone hate themselves?" She lifted my chin with her fingers causing me to make eye contact with her brilliant violet eyes. She stares silently for moment before saying, "Don't make no never mind to him. We're a little on edge with Mother's funeral this week."

"Yeah, your sister is something."

"And she's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid you're going to see and hear things this week that will no doubt make you shake your head in wonder."

"There's worse than Lady Clarise?"

"Not worse, per se. But... How do I put this?"

"Bluntly. Like everything else you told me so far."

"Fair enough. I am the youngest of my mother's four children, but the only child of my father's." She led me to the tea table in the breakfast nook with a teapot in one hand and cups in the other. She gestured to the plate of cookies on the counter, which I grabbed and sat with her at the table. "My mother was born into a wealthy family and as such, when she was of age, she married into another wealthy family. But her husband was cruel and unfaithful so, against her family's wishes, she divorced him. To avoid embarrassment, her husband accused her of being the unfaithful one and claimed that the children weren't his. And money having the power it does, he was successful in his claims and left her destitute with three children. Her family refuse to help her out financially because they didn't believe in divorce. Regardless of reason."

"That sucks."

"Indeed. A couple of years later she met my father. It was love at first sight and they were married within a year of meeting. Well, their marriage was quite scandalous because she was a full eight years older than him. He was barely twenty years old when they married. She was twenty-eight with three kids. His family wasn't happy and hers refused to acknowledge the marriage. I was born their first year of marriage and to her family, I was nothing more than a bastard child of adultery."

"Wow. Great family."

"Every family has it's skeletons. Mine is no different."

"Well, if your mom was left poor, what is there to fight over anyway?"

Gram smiled at this point and with a light chuckle she continued. "My mother was an only child. When her parents died, she got the estate. That's what my siblings think they are fighting for. They believe they are entitled to it as they are her legitimate children, and I am not."

"You find that funny?"

"The funny part is that Mother has already dispensed with everything she had inherited from her parents over the years. She had sold everything decades ago; the mansion, the business holding, stocks, bonds, all of it. She gave half the money to three different charitable organizations that rescue and rehabilitate human trafficking victims on behalf of the estate, and put the remaining proceeds into trust funds for each of them. Everything she has now, she acquired with my father and since he is still alive, it all belongs to him now. They don't yet realize there's nothing left to fight over."

"And they're about to find out, aren't they?"

"Yep. And it's probably going to get a little ugly for a while so try to not let any of them get to you."

That was going a difficult request. If the rest were even remotely similar to Clarise, I was going to go postal on somebody.

*

Quite contrary to what I had expected, the funeral wasn't as dramatic or as boring as I had expected. I was expecting a lot of tears and fond memories to be shared, and there were, just not by the family members. Grams siblings sat in the front row, to the right of center, with stone cold expressions of disgust. Gram and her father, who just happens to be the pastor of the church she dragged me to, sat front row, left with calm, peaceful expressions. Those who did speak, spoke of the woman's kindness and generosity. Typical. I noticed every time someone mentioned the good the dead woman did, Clarise and the other siblings would roll their eyes and sigh loudly. The best part? The hottie from the church band did the singing. Holy crow he is dreamy. He got up to sing Amazing Grace and some other songs at the close of service and I swear even Clarise swooned a bit. All the men left when the songs began, except a couple of young ones but not one female left the sanctuary until he was done singing. That Darren dude was like hot caramel sauce on ice cream. Yummy.

The after party, or 'wake' as Gram called it, turned out to be far more entertaining than irritating. Sure, Clarise did her best to make sure everyone knew how much better she was than all of them, her granddaughter included, but Gram and the fam held their tongues. The other two siblings, Janice and Joshua had little to say to anyone. They were neither nice or mean, they simply kept quiet and stayed by themselves near the rear of the banquet hall.

The banquet hall was set with large round tables with ten chairs at each. I sat with May and her kids for most of it because one, I didn't know too many people and two, I didn't want to risk losing my temper with the snob queen. I was hoping to avoid any confrontations with Gram's family and figured May was about as safe as I could get. Tuna and his youngest son, who was also deliciously beautiful, sat with us as well as his ex-wife, her husband and their young daughter. I felt awkward as he introduced his family. It should have been awkward because ex-spouses are supposed to fight or disagree or treat each other like garbage. It didn't take long for me to realize that these were not normal people. They all got along. Like they really got along. You know, like besties. Weird. I watched them chat and laugh with each other for a few minutes in awe. Nothing about these people have come close to my expectations. Maybe I'm the odd one.

"So," the ex-wife, name Susan directed towards me. "How are you liking living at your gramma's, Melissa, is it? Or do you prefer Magpie?"

"Melissa." I replied politely. "And gramma's is okay, I guess. I came from an apartment in a city so it's a bit of a culture shock. I'm not used to so many people. Or animals."

"A city girl unused to people?"

"Well, sure there's a lot of people in Reno, but they don't live in my apartment."

"Oh, that makes sense. There are a lot of people at Gram's. Most of them just work there though. I actually teach music there once a week for the kids."

"You work for Gram?"

"Just one day a week. The rest of the time, I work in the university music department." I glanced over at Tuna, then her husband and then back to her.

"And I drive one of the harvest trucks over there in season." Offered up her husband, Harold.

I shot a wide-eyed look to Tuna who simply added, "I just do hair, hun. I only come out when Gram books appointments for me. Sometimes I'm there several days in a row, sometimes I go for months without visiting."

"Oh," I said not knowing how to proceed.

"By the way," he added, "your hair is growing out beautifully. It's long enough to style a bit if you're up for it."

"You'll have to ask Gram." I snapped. "I don't get likes here." I added making quotations in the air for emphasis.

"Oh! Right. Forgot about that. You got a year, right?"

"Yeah. Less than nine months to go."

"Funny, you look due sooner than that," a female voice said behind me. We all turned to see Clarise looking down at me with those fake tarantula lashes and hooker red lips formed into a condescending smile. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to envisioning me tackling that old broad to the floor. Instead, I remained silent, drilling her with a fiery glare.

"Are you expecting, my dear?" Susan asked excitedly. "That's wonderful news! I sure hope you let us arrange a baby shower for you."

The others lifted their glasses and offered a toast. "Here's to new life." Chimed Jams, the others repeated in unison. "To new life."

Having the wind sucked out of her insult, Clarise huffed her disapproval and stalked off.

I hung my head as she left feeling embarrassed at her words. I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy outside of Jams and Maybe. May because I'd tell her just about everything and Jams because, well, he's going to be my baby doctor. Tuna put his hand on my shoulder, "Don't let folks get to you. There's always going to be haters. That's their malfunction not yours."

I smiled a bit at him needing to change the subject. "If it's not too personal," I began, "Can I ask why you're called Tuna? Pretty sure Mackerel, I mean Michael said your name was Tony. So, how'd you get that nickname?" He and his family blinked with wide eyes this time. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me. I was just curious is all. I mean, Mackerel told me how he got his name and May's middle name is Bea and Jams is... well, I guess I don't know that one yet. I'm sorry. Never mind. Forget I asked."

He squeezed my shoulder to stop my rambling. "It's okay, Melissa. It's no secret. I got that name in prison." I was stunned. Not entirely surprised because the man was covered in tattoos, but still stunned that he would be so open about admitting a thing like that. "Spent the majority of my twenties behind bars for one reason or another. Mack was two when I went down for the long haul, Josh here was born the same month they put me away." He ran his fingers through his son's golden hair. "I missed out on so much of both of my sons' lives." He sighed. "Thankfully, for them, Harold came along and stepped in and stepped up to be the dad my boys needed."

"That's really great and all..."

"That's where I met Pops, your grandfather."

Wait. What? I choked on my drink. "My grandfather was in prison?!"

He laughed. The others joined him. "No," he corrected. "He was heading up a prison ministry. He and some of his friends from church held Bible studies, Sunday services and counseling groups for any inmate willing to participate. At first, I was not. In fact, I was pretty mean to him. I never had anything nice to say. Even spent thirty days in the hole for punching him once. But that tough 'ole cowboy didn't give up. He kept coming by. Kept praying. Kept giving love back for all the flack he got me and the others like me. I was halfway through my sentence when I finally started participating in his groups. A year later I started attending the Bible studies too. Eventually he got through to me and I haven't been the same since. He supported me financially the last couple of years I was in and with that money I was able to order my own food. Prison food isn't exactly the best."

"And he spent the lot of it on tuna fish." Susan laughed.

He joined in her laughter. "Yes, well, most of it. And thus, the nickname was born. To this day, it's the only meat I eat."

"Wow." I had no words. I hate tuna fish. I hate fish. All fish. Not much of a fan of pork either. Except bacon. Bacon is good. And ham. My stomach growled and I'm sure they heard it. Tuna leaned over and whispered in my ear. "The buffet is open. Go ahead." He nodded towards the front and I excused myself, leaving them to their laughter. For a funeral, it had been rather enjoyable so far. Of course, it was short lived... Yes, I ran into Jimmy when I got from my seat causing him to spill his drink all over him.

"Seriously, girl?! God help me." He yelled as he stalked off towards the rest room. I did apologize but he waved me off.

I went to the buffet and got a plate of food trying to ignore the eyes I knew were looking in my direction. Jimmy's minor freak out had gotten their attention. I couldn't help but overhear the whispered conversations being had at the buffet line between Gram and Clarise though. I picked through the olive tray as I heard Gram say to her. "It's none of your business, Clare. Stay out of it."

"And here I thought you hated keeping secrets. Don't you claim, the truth is better when it's out in the open?"

"We don't tell each other's stories around here either. That's not my story to tell and sure as hell isn't yours to tell either so leave it alone."

"Well, I suppose if she hasn't figured it out yet, then she's either too stupid to or the lie she's been told was too good."

"She's far from stupid."

"The lie was that good, huh?"

"Just shut up, Clare. You don't as much as you think you do."

"You don't have the power to shut me up." Clarise quipped with a smirk as she walked off.

Gram noticed me standing there at that moment, her blue eyes widening ever so slightly before calming into a gentle violet. "She won't have much to say Monday, will she?"

"That's lawyer day?"

"Yep."

"Part of me would like to be a fly on the wall for that."

"Trust me, Magpie, some things are better left unknown. And I've no doubt that after that meeting you won't see her again."

From that point things just got weirder and weirder. As the church people left leaving only family members behind, Clarise got braver with her mouth and Jimmy got snarkier with her. She said something snide to him while looking at me and he got in her face. It was loud but since they trying to 'talk' over each other, I couldn't make it out. That and May kept trying to keep conversation with me. Personally, I think she was trying to distract me but still, she had fun stories.

She told how Gram and Pops fed Clarise fried rabbit the last time she came to visit and that Clarise went on and on about how she would never eat a thing like rabbit all while complementing them on the 'chicken'. She also told me the reason that Clarise had raised her granddaughter is because Monica's mother had committed suicide after it was exposed that her dad was the baby's father. Instead of being a supportive mother, Clarise had blame the girl for ruining her marriage by sending him to prison. The more I learn, the less I like this woman. That one was her first husband. Her fourth, the one she brought with her this time was named Richard Head. Yes, I asked him if he went by Dick. He does. It's be funnier if it wasn't so fitting as he seemed more interested in Monica than his wife and B.C. looked a LOT like him.

Speaking of whom, Monica pretty much parked at the buffet, single handedly making sure there wouldn't be leftovers. Her baby ran around unchecked throughout the banquet hall screaming and screeching at anyone and everyone. May had coined the nick name B.C. for birth control. She was quiet when she came near me, so, this last round I opted to pick her up and hold her for as long she would let me, which turned into a couple of hours since she fell asleep in my arms.

By eight o'clock, I was wiped out. For the life of me I couldn't see how a pastor could have raised such ungrateful, creepy, insensitive... Well, Gram was pretty cool in comparison, albeit a bit of a hardass at times but I didn't think she deserved the treatment she was getting from her siblings. I mean they looked down their noses at her and any of us associated with her.

I sat in a chair with the baby in my arms near the wall while everyone else helped Gram clean up. Everyone but Jams and Maybe's family, Tuna, Jimmy and her pastor dad had left. It wasn't until they were done cleaning up that they noticed I was still holding the sleeping baby. Monica had left without her daughter.