4 The Divine Longing
As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God. My being thirsts for God, the living God. When can I go and see the face of God?
Why are you downcast, my soul; why do go groan within me? Wait for God, whom I shall praise again, my savior, and my God.
-Psalm 42:2-3,6
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Since the day she has first met the twin her life changed, she seldom went to bars and drink alcohols, she becomes sensitive to her surrounding, more aware of her conscience
and the word change and conversion everyday knock in the door of her heart.
" Notice the ravens," Acqua broke the silence as they were in the park contemplating the refreshing nature. "They do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important humans than birds," she continued. Princess was in deep silence.
" Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin, yet God dresses them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for humans?" It was Blood. They were recalling one of the passages in Holy Scripture.
"If that's true how I wish I was a flower or a bird so that I can be free from all life's anxieties and tribulations," Princess replied bitterly with a sad tone.
Sangue: Aren't you happy to be a human?
Princess: With all what I've experienced. I'm not. So many times I rented that I was created.
Upon hearing her answer, Acqua stood up.
Acqua: Why are you hiding yourself being a narcissist and pessimist person.
Princess can you live freely without treating yourself as a victim of the past. Your victim mentality hinders you to be happy and to be the person God wanted you to be. You're not the cause of your mom's death.
Princess paused and tried to absorb her words.
Princess: I Am! Dad killed her because I disobeyed him. If I wasn't born maybe she's still alive. Does God care? Why there are death, suffering, and pain? Why there's much poor roaming around the world? Why there are many street children here who are hungry and homeless? Are humans really important to them?
This time it's the twin turned to be silent.
" Why aren't you responding? ANSWER ME!" Princess demanded them.
Blood: How will we answer you if your pride is so high, your arrogance is so wide and your hatred is so deep. Still, it's useless if you won't humble yourself and listen.
Acqua: Instead of questioning God, why not, try to question yourself? Or put yourself in the shoes of God.
Don't come back home without an answer.
Then the two disappeared.
Alone in the park, she intently looking at the street children and beggars trying to find an answer.
Then she noticed the dirty children with tottering clothes who were happily playing.
The beggars were sweetly smiling whenever they received something even if it's a single coin.
She was fascinated by seeing them happy even though they were poor and lacking many things.
She stood up to go for a coffee when two little kids hold her hands. The one holding her left hand was a boy and at her right was a girl. They were street children too.
Boy: Ms. Beautiful can you play with us.
Princess: I can't.
Girl: Why not?
Princess: Simply because I'm already a lady.
Boy: No, though you're a lady you can still play, my elder siblings, my parents, and grandparents are still playing with us.
Girl: Yeah! Let's go.
And they pulled her into the playground where the other children were waiting.
Princess: Wait! I said I can't.
Boy: Don't worry Ms. Beautiful, surely you will enjoy the game.
Girl: Maybe you're scared to get lost.
She said while grinning at her.
Princess: Of course not!
Fine, let's play.
They've played sleeper game, red rover, jump rope, kick the can, etc. At first, Princess seemed like fish out of water. The children keep on teasing her, it's her first time to play with the kids and with this kind of game, for her in her entire life she only played with dolls and Teddy bears all alone, sometimes with her mom and nanny.
The game made Princess shed tears laughing at her mistakes and losses. That time she found herself once again a kid. Her little playmates too were very happy and they became friends.
Princess: Enough, I'm already tired. let's have a break. She said while struggling to breathe normally.
After they've rested she invited all the children to have lunch in a restaurant. However, the guard did not permit the street children to enter for they were very dirty and sweating. Some wealthy guests were casting them. When Princess saw how they ugly treated the children she remembered her past life. She too was like them before and if the twin didn't intervene in her life maybe she still the arrogant and indifferent Princess.
They went away and she made them bathed first, took to shopping, and bought them nice and expensive clothes. When they came back to the restaurant the guard nor those persons who were rejected and displeased at them didn't recognize them for they became like rich kids.
All the children got full and were amazed by her good deeds. Some of them were kept on thanking her. It was their first time to enter that expensive restaurant and to eat such delicious food.
When they're about to separate all the children were giving her words of gratitude. But she was touched when the youngest of them all, a six years old girl embraced her tightly and whispered in her ears,
" Ms. Princess, are you an angel sent by God, or are you Jesus in disguise?" She was shocked, she didn't expect to hear it from a little girl. She simply replies,
" I'm neither of the two."
Girl: "My grandma said that Jesus is a kind, good, and generous person. He is everywhere. He uses you and me and all good people in the world to show Papa God's love." She said it while smiling sweetly at her.
Three minutes passed she was still speechless. All the children were calling her 'Jesus in disguise.'
Princess: "I'm not." She said loudly that made the children feel afraid and zip their mouths. " I'm sorry if I raise my voice but I tell you I'm not Jesus. If the words of your grandma are true then that Jesus may be more kind, good, and generous than me. He is far better than me, I guess so.
Girl: Really? Have you met him? I want to see him, please.
This time she has no words to respond. How will she, if she's still in doubt of His presence. Later the girl told her,
" Anyway, even if you're not Him I feel blessed For I see Jesus in you." This time she was perplexed. She can't understand her emotions. Then the children started to depart but before they left she gave them some money and groceries.
Still baffled by the girl's spontaneity, she then remembered the encounter she had 14 years ago with Jesus- Mr. White Man.
" Me, Jesus in disguise? (Deep sigh)
Are you true?" she said silently.
As she thinks deeper a statement echoed in her mind. " This place is to be found inside your heart. If you want this place to stay beautiful then you have to live a happy and beautiful life no matter what difficulties and tragedies might come." After pondering those statements her heartache. That was the reminder of Mr. White Man to her but she didn't listen to it. Finally, she realized everything. How her life turned messy because she allowed the bad experiences to change her.
When she looked at her surroundings she saw all were happy except her. Their all happy not because they live a simple life but because they have God.
Half kneeling on the ground Princess was holding her aching heart. A big drop of tears was now falling on the ground and five minutes later her tears were united to the drops of water falling from heaven.
She has everything but wasn't happy. She looked for happiness outside but still, she's empty. Soaked under the stormy rain she shouted gazing at the dark sky,
"HEY GOD! Do you exist? If you do cares for me, then make me a happy person. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I WANT TO BE FREE FROM MY INNER CAGE. God, I want you back in my life but I am very coward and rubbish. I blamed you and still continuously blaming you. I'm sorry. Please cleanse me, I beg you."
