6 October 17, 2020

start 12:42am - hitsugi

a bit early today yeah.

I dont know, today I just feel like something has to change you know? like my life is stable enough to kind of keep me sane, but it's boring. it's way too insulting to my mind when I go about my day every day on the same routine. its torture in the slowest way possible. and for that reason I feel like it has to change... but my thoughts are enough to change anything. if i just keep thinking of it nothing will ever change and the same routine will continue for eternity. it's a waste of my life at this point.

hm hm I get the feeling nothing is going to change though. ah I know why, because I've had this thought many times before. I never do anything about it, even if I say I wanna change... i just dont.

uh oh right something I felt today is my heart breaking. the reason is because I went through my old instagram dms and read my past. I was too innocent, too naive to think the people I talked to were real. someone i talked to in the past that i thought of as a friend was in reality a piece of shit, kinda sucks. we fell out after around 2 years of texting each other. i felt nothing when we didnt talk anymore. all the feelings i had were fake, and right when we stopped talking I noticed that, this sucks.

I dont know why I feel this way. just pure despair, like a mental breakdown. yet I'm controlling it. I'm writing down everything here to suppress my thoughts. you know even if you say I have to go to get counseling or something, I already did. the counselor last time just decided I was making shit up so I dont care anymore about what people think of me. a self-centered way of thinking, a selfishness of sorts. maybe it's a drug you cant resist.

I went off topic.

these days i just dont do anything correctly. it hurts being this way, someone who only thinks of themselves for their own benefit.

let me tell you guys a secret, I write my first suicide note, or will, whatever you wanna call it.. in elementary school. reason was because being in the house just wasnt fun ye? the second one I write was in middle school, I should say; the first of many. in middle school everything was just not it. I did write a few in high school, none worth while.

The one that had the most impact was a notebook I had with me. you know those like cow looking notebooks? yeah one of those. it was going to be my diary, one page for everyday. and I did use, I did write in it. it's just that after about the 3rd page it's just a suicide note, and nothing after that. I re-read it recently and it hurt just reading it again. it feels like I was back to when I wrote it, all I felt was pain. it hurt reading it because all those feelings were real, none of them were for wanting attention or anything like that. I legit just needed help. look at me now, a broken person in todays world, not so bad.

thanks for listening to me rant, I just had something happen today and needed to say something. also it looks like I average 1 chapter every 3 days, so I guess I do have a schedule.

finish 1:04am - hitsugi