5 October 14, 2020

start 1:17am - hitsugi

I swear the only time I ever open this app is to write something lmao. I dont like that I have to wait 5 seconds for the ad to go away, its annoying... well its whatever I guess.

today I was thinking of something while I was in my college class, "why is my life so boring?" you know how you just get those thoughts every once in a while. yeah, I had one of those days today. sometime I think I have problems you know.

ok so how do you get anxiety attacks? I only get anxiety attacks when I start thinking about my life, and its end. like when i die it won't be for sure that I will wake up again. like if I die I 'sleep' but like how long will that sleep last? like all of a sudden you just start thinking, "I won't wake up again." this gets me anxious for some reason... recently I found out why. the reason why i start to get anxious is because of something simple; the fear of the unknown. yes something so simple, yet so devastating I wonder why. something I would like to say in my opinion why people get anxious is because for example, it's like looking into a pitch black room, you dont know what's in there but you think you see a figure of a person. like the bloody mary thing. I dont know if I'm too old or that thing went away but it was just saying, "bloody mary" 3 times into the mirror while you had the lights off. I'm not sure if you put water onto the mirror or not, I forgot. so like after you say apparently like blood would appear on the mirror and some lady will show up or something. you find out I'm too lazy. but like people get scared of the thought of, "will it actually happen" because people dont really do it. it's like common sense of you turning on the light in the dark, except when you flip the switch the light won't turn on. a good example of that is the bathroom at night, you always turn on the light... unless your weird and dont. so when you cant turn on the light your comfort of the light is gone and you like get scared or anxious. wow what a doozy, I hella got off topic I think. but yeah fear of the unknown... that's why it's so effective in like certain movies, and stuff like that. another good example that a lot of people can relate to I think is, the thought of us not being the only existence in the universe... I think that's why people "created" the term aliens. ("created" because maybe someone created the idea of aliens or not??). maybe it was for comfort, or it was real; not like im ever gonna find out.

ok so out of that topic I wanted to talk about something different and that is food. so like you can survive off water for like 3 weeks I think it was, I dont remember. and that got me thinking of how long you can last with only food and I came to a conclusion... not that long, I estimate roughly less than a month. I guess it also depends on what you are eating... cause like didnt the doctors say you need iron which is in like meat and all types of food. I guess vegans wouldn't know ;)))). no offense : ). so like I started to not eat breast or like any type of dough really. so like no cookies, cake, sandwiches, pizza, hamburgers, tacos, etc. and honestly pretty hard to stop your temptations you know. I never knew how much I really relied on that stuff to eat food. I make exception for noodles, especially spaghetti. but like eating bread really was almost everyday thing. it's been maybe like 3 months since I started right. for breakfast it's usually a hot dog sausage with egg or like cereal. for lunch it's like some soup type thing, or like canned fruit or fruit in general. another thing is like potatoes lmao. for dinner it's usually meat, if I didnt eat egg that day for breakfast I will eat egg for dinner. dude it's so hard to not eat bread, it's such an inconvenience. it's honestly sp unnatural how much bread I ate before.

uh yeah, let's end on a happy note lmao. I started playing some rocket league on the ps4 because it recently became free.. it's really fun, I like it. I got to level 32 in about 2-4 weeks of playing. I'm really happy I started playing. and because I dont really like playing the game competitively I only play 3v3 casual and maybe 1v1s if I get bored. if your wondering how far I got into conpetative, I still have that bar underneath saying 7 of 10 matches completed. i dont like getting too competitive because it just makes the game more of a job, that's too much work for me.

its really fun to play casually.

end 1:49am - hitsugi