1 Mon Frere

I married my best friend.

Rod and I were inseparable, we met when we were both 15 years old. Even though we attended different schools we made time for each other on the weekends and talked everyday after school until it was time for Grandma's 7:00 prayer line. We would talk again afterward and sometimes fall asleep while talking . The loud alert would sound through the vintage phone alerting me to place the receiver on the cradle. Sometimes it would startle me so bad I would be wide awake the rest of the night thinking about Rod. I would only call him back and we would talk until we left for school, and do it all over again.

When we graduated, he marched---I didn't. Grandma couldn't afford the cap and gown, the class ring, nor the ride to see me walk across that stage. A year had passed before Rod even found out I didn't march. I had siblings but we were all separated and Grandma took me in since I was the only girl. I only remembered Jay and not my baby brother, he was 5 when the child protection agency came, I was 4. I vowed as a child to never allow my own children to go through what we went through. Grandmother would say all the time, "That house wasn't in no shape for y'all to even be there! I knew something was going on so I came by and found y'all in there on that floor, no food, no utilities, it hurt me to my soul! That's why she wouldn't bring y'all to see me! Laura know she gotta reap what she sow! I didn't raise her to be the way she turned out."

Grandma had found a few men mama had been with, some agreed to take paternity tests but none were my father.

By the time Rod went to the Army, I was pregnant and Grandma knew I hadn't been going to the skating rink on the weekends.

I was 18, and hadn't had a clue about what to do with a baby, but every time Rod called he told me not to worry, he would take care of his daughter. He finally saw her face to face when she turned 4 months, but his mother already had and decided that she didn't belong to her son because of the blonde streaks she was born with in her hair. "That girl see dollar signs Roderick! U can't fall for what these pissy tail girls tell u!"

I left her house that day on the city bus with my daughter after she pretended to wanna help me, it was set in my mind for his mama to never see her grandchild again and every time I looked at my baby I saw the woman who refused to claim her. Rod came back after being deployed 15 months later and said he had no doubt that she was his because she looked just like his mother's mother.

I had named her Ava.

By the time he came back again I had given birth to his son. We went to the Justice of the Peace and said I do but he was deployed again 4 days later.

Finally when he returned after another year, I thought it was for good. Now I had a 4 year old, my oldest son was almost a year and a half, and I had a new born---and even though he had told me to stay home with the babies everyday because he would take care of us, I went through the Post Partum Depression after the third one and thought it would be best to get a job. I applied at the grocery store not far from home, they called the next day.

That's when I met Jachin.

I was mesmerized by his name and had seen it in the Bible and there was something about him in general, his white teeth, his lack of tattoos and the whole concept of one like him existing. I watched him so hard while pretending not to while he paid for the lobster and roses that he looked down at the ring on my hand. He was so sexy and I didn't know what a sexual attraction was at the time.

"U gonna give me a bag Japonica?"

I was confused, he knew my real name?

"Your name tag, and a plastic bag for the lobster. What time u get off?"

"Why?"

"Because I just bought u some lobster and roses."

"Oh, well I'm married and I can't eat that."

"Yea but u lonely. Call me."

"Call u what?"

"My name is Jachin but call me on the phone, I'm single."

"Well I'm not single and I can't call u, because I'm not lonely. I got a long line."

"O.K. see ya later, but I know u are."

"What? U can't see me later!"

"Yea I can, u work here don't u, I just moved here so this is my neighborhood supermarket, see ya later---u gone give me my bag?"

"Oh. Bye."

I didn't wanna know his name and didn't even know it was better that way, also his game was weak as hell.

I majorly fucked up the next transaction but found myself watching the automatic doors for him to enter through them everyday I worked until he finally came back. I saw Zoshia watching me and gave her the girl please look, "U look guilty as hell bitch. It ain't worth it," she came and whispered in my ear. I hadn't even done anything.

After ringing up the last customer in the line I placed the lane closed sign on the conveyor belt. I looked down the two aisles closest to my register and saw Jachin ever so often in the seafood department.

"Is this lane open?"

"No Ma'am," I told the old woman on the scooter, as well as the woman who followed her minutes later expecting me again to state the obvious.

After grabbing his items throughout the store in a matter of 20 minutes he guided his cart to my register and without asking removed the lane closed sign before putting the yogurt on the belt, took a four pack and scanned it himself.

"Can u read!? U askin for it!"

"So what, I can't ask for it u gonna make me beg?"

"U can't just come in here harassing me."

He laughed.

"Lane can't be closed, u been standing here since u placed the sign there. Why haven't u visited me."

"I'm about to go on break."

"Oh, u need a break now."

"Don't come back to register 5 please, I'm married, and I can't visit u."

"Well I don't want u to not wanna visit cause u are married, but I want u to come cause u lonely. What time u get off?"

"That's not your business!"

"OK, but I know u closing tonight. What's your favorite food?"

I had scanned the same can of pineapples 6 times, he laughed but kept talking.

"Who are u, u nosy as hell!?"

"Jachin."

"LOOK JACHIN! I have a family! Do u always harass married women?"

"No only u lately, my mother is in Omaha this week. I only live 6 minutes from here. What's your phone number?"

"I'm not giving u my number."

"Well accept my friend request."

"U can't find me to send me a request!"

"Alright Japonica....I already did, accept the request."

"Your total is $132.68."

"For 10 items?"

"Yea."

"OK. 11706 Moss Drive."

"I don't want your address."

"Yes u do, u just don't know it. U owe me $66.10."

He ripped his own receipt off as I reached for it to hand it to him. "See ya later," he said.

That night I went home to my husband and children feeling like I needed Communion and every night it would be the same discussion between Rod and I, "Why do u go to that job! I bust my ass everyday for us, why do u even work?"

"Because I need a life, even when u come home from being deployed u still gotta work, u can't spend time with us!"

"U don't have to work sweetie to have a life! Make baskets, sell Tupperware!"

"When was the last time u saw a Tupperware bowl!?"

"What u mean Baby, your grandma fed me some beef stew out of one when u was mad!"

I picked up my six month old son and walked into the bedroom to prepare for the sex that had now become routine, good but routine. He knew I had nobody except my grandmother and she would piss me off talking about not being around much longer.

"I have to be deployed," he said when the sex was over.

Right when I was healing, he had to go.

I cried, the kids took care of me the next day while I watched him pack to fly out at 4 a.m. What had I done? Had I really signed up for this shit!? He was my best friend and the web cam was not the same, I couldn't touch him! I needed my husband and because he was all I knew I was more so unrestrained! He could have gotten an Honorable Discharge but he chose to stay in the Military, "I can't disappoint my Daddy, u know how he feel already about us having our kids so early."

"No, I know how your daddy feels about YOU having our kids so early."

The day he left I explained to my small babies they were all I had and saw me and my brothers all over again.

I called in to work two days in a row and cried until I was dehydrated, I wouldn't even take the kids to Grandma and pretend I was going to work. Then after those two days I altogether stopped calling in and just didn't show up. I saw the store number on the screen when the phone rung on the 5th day and answered prepared to be fired, it was Zoshia from register 6, "Girl, u must don't want ya job! U okay? I told them what u got goin on, Bronson said he gotta replace u if u ain't comin' back."

"I want my job, I'll come in tomorrow."

"OK, I'm glad. That man been comin in here buying only one item."

"So."

"Who the hell come to the store and buy one onion?"

"Girl bye. I'll see u tomorrow."

I laid in bed again all day wondering how I could be alone another year and cried some more. I just prayed I wasn't pregnant again, he hadn't seen any of the babies born.

Being back at work was uplifting because when Zoshia and I didn't have customers we gossiped at our registers. I could stand there all day and laugh at some of the shit she said. She had helped me overcome depression and always spoke about us hanging out off the clock but we were totally different. "I wish I could find a man who wanted to marry me, I fucked up with all my baby daddy's. U so blessed, all them kids belong to the same man and he married u. U got the perfect life, perfect shape and don't have to be here if u don't want to!"

Yea, I was blessed.

I had been back at work three days before Jachin came in again. I saw him jogging across the parking lot in the spandex and pretended to not see him. I had 6 customers in line and was glad because he could keep his fuckery. Zoshia was off, good I thought. Even though I concentrated on scanning and bagging the grocery I saw his smooth black sweaty skin and the neon green stripes on the spanx out of the corner of my eye. He'd grabbed a Gatorade and a cucumber and quickly got in my line.

"I CAN GET SOMEONE ON AISLE 4!" Elaine yelled, he didn't move but the two people in front of him did, now he was second in line.

"Where u been?" he asked while looking at the two items ride the belt.

"U just can't help it can u?"

"Why don't u greet the customers, u are closest to the door."

"I do."

"Use those words wisely next time."

"I hate when customers don't use the vegetable bags, that's ghetto."

"I missed u."

"Your total is $3.03."

I watched as he removed the wallet from his waistline while watching me but I tried hard not to look and hated I did after the fact. I made eye contact with him, he inserted is debit card and said "If u don't wanna visit me, I will visit u."

"Do u need a receipt?"

"Nah, and keep the cucumber, I don't need a bag."

"WHAT! Will u just leave the store!"

He laughed again, "The bags under your eyes, it look like u been crying. My mama use cucumbers."

I threw the cucumber in the trash can and noticed he had placed the lane closed sign at the end of the belt.

Days passed and Rod and I had begun to have the heart to heart talks again on the webcam, I had always feared I would open the door to see two uniformed men standing there giving their condolences.

"I may be able to come home, but only for two days, I will let u know. We gotta bring one home, a 20 year old, he died in an explosion. Say a prayer for his family."

I was so happy to hear he may come home but sad about the circumstances of his visit, I sympathized for the fallen victims and their families. At first I would be even more depressed, I couldn't stand to hear him talk about it so I asked him not to. Each one would trigger the dream, I would dream about the deaths exactly as he would describe them, only he would be the victim. Family and friends would have been good to have around to help me cope.

Fall was turning into winter and I needed a babysitter so I wouldn't have to haul the kids to Grandma's in the cold weather. My cousins wife Trudy loved them and when I asked if she could babysit she said yes but had to be at home during my work hours, she sold desserts from home. She insisted I let her keep them all week and she would bring them home on the weekend. I didn't agree because it didn't solve the problem and I would be alone however she lived closer than Grandma did; now they wouldn't be out at night when I closed; she would send Ava to school.

We worked it out, $250 a week.

Three days after I had come in alone to an empty house I broke down. I had missed Rods video call, he could just appear on the screen whenever his duties permitted it and working late resulted in us missing each other because of the different time zones. I slept beside the album that contained the pictures from the wedding we finally had and tried to convince myself I had to forgive his mother like Grandma said.

It was late, I just wanted to sleep but was afraid to dream and missed my babies.

I got use to the routine sooner or later, November was so cold I hated to leave home and when my babies would come home on Friday evenings we stayed inside. I hadn't talked to Rod since he got mad about Trudy keeping the kids all week. "U GOT FUCKING RESPONSIBILITIES BEING MY WIFE AND THEY ARE NOT TO BAG GROCERIES FOR MINIMUM WAAAAGE!"

He logged off and I hadn't seen him that mad in a while nor seen him since that day on the screen.

I cried, but got up and went to work, the job kept me sane, he just didn't understand. I started arriving at work early to keep my mind from wandering but still couldn't stop wondering about Jachin, he hadn't come back in over a month so I thought maybe he was harassing women at Kroger now! Standing up was taking a toll on my feet and I would be freezing cold working by the entrance doors at register 5, I was considering trying to find something else to maintain sanity.

Wednesday evening at 6:00 I limped to my car and got inside after starting it while still standing at the register. I told Zoshia bye, Happy Thanksgiving and knew my babies had gone to the country to Trudy's family home, I loved her for loving them but she hadn't even asked me. I hadn't planned on being alone for Thanksgiving! I cried of course and looked at those walls while they slowly moved inward to eventually close in on me when she decided to text me and tell me they were gone, "U are welcome to come too!"

Bitch!

I decided to cook and eat alone for Thanksgiving.

Before arriving at home, I stopped and bought ice but pulled into the garage when I arrived, I wasn't leaving anytime soon and it looked like snow was on the way. I grabbed the bags of vegetables and meat I had bought while at work and went inside after lowering the garage door. As soon as I walked in I ran to the bedroom since it was still early expecting to see my husband in uniform on my screen preparing for morning duty, but the computer was dark. Wasn't it Thanksgiving where he fucking was! Maybe he had written a letter I thought, was something wrong, it was Thanksgiving and I didn't wanna cry! I went to the front door, opened it and grabbed the mail from beside it in the mailbox but noticed a black Infiniti in my driveway. At first I wondered if they thought someone else lived there, were they visiting someone and got lost? I stood prepared to tell them they had the wrong house shivering from the cold but I instantly recognized the person getting out as soon as the interior light came on.

JACHIN?

"NOOOO What are u doing!? Why are u at my house!? U can't come here!"

"Why not? It's cold, u gonna let me in? So this is where u live, huh?"

"U gotta gooo! Now!"

"Why do u look so guilty? We aren't intimate or anything. Let me in, what's with the makeup?"

"WHAT! LEAVE! U FOLLOWED ME!"

"No, I just happened to be coming this way when we pulled out of the parking lot at the same time."

"U had to get ice too? I don't know what the fuck u tryna do but it won't work! I am married!"

"Nah, u just exchanged vows with someone, what u got ain't a marriage. I'm freezing, let me in; I know u want to, 11 more minutes I'll need body heat to keep from dying."

"Well get in your damn car Jachin!"

"Ok, come on."

"I CAN'T COME ON!"

I slammed the door in his face, he got in his car and just sat in the driveway. I couldn't operate with him outside! I glanced at the door several times to make sure it was locked and called Zoshia, she was getting loaded and thought it was funny that he was outside. I wanted to call the police on that man in that car but what would I tell them, he was a stalker? Yea, I could but why would he stalk me!? I was so mad, I didn't know if he wanted to kill me or not! My husband had bought me a gun and I would use it! I heard the car door close and then the doorbell. I peeked through the blinds trying to see what he was doing, he wiped the frost from the window and asked, "U really not gon let me in? Why can't we be friends Japonica, Im not tryna hurt u or anything, I just don't know anybody here and its Thanksgiving. Is your husband coming home soon or something? Just talk to me for a minute, then I'll leave u alone."

This man was crazy! I didn't know anything about him but wanted to let him in.

"U drink?"

"No."

"Ok, we can just talk. Please?"

I opened the door, he stood with his shoulders high against the chilling wind. He came in, looked around but reached for me, "Keep me warm." "U are delusional!"

"Nice home. Is that your husband on the picture in the uniform?"

"I've never met anyone as nosy and crazy as u are."

"I'm very much so well rounded and how else will I find out what I wanna know about u. Why were u limping?"

"U gotta go!?"

"I just got here. Let me rub your feet since u been standing on them."

"U can't touch me."

"U right, I can't if u don't want me to."

I sat on the sofa, he sat beside me a few inches away, "Thank u for making time for me, I gotta be alone for Thanksgiving too. Stop putting all of your business on Facebook."

"We are not friends, u don't know what I put on there!"

"Don't be so sure, u have over 3,000 friends."

"GET OUT!"

He laughed. "Everybody got over 3,000 friends. Ok, I'll leave u look so nervous."

He stood up, "Give me a hug so I can go, I wanna hug u every time I come in the store, if u were mine u wouldn't be working there."

I stood up to walk him to the door but decided to hug him, he was so solid and the request for the hug fell on my ears and traveled through my body. He hugged me after I hesitated to hug him, but he hugged like Rod would and put his nose on my neck.

When the front door opened and Rod came in still in uniform, he caught me hugging Jachin. His body was sending something through me and I hated to let go, the awkward moment was more convicting than any other I had ever experienced because he didn't want to let go either.

"Baby!!? Who is that Baby? Who u huggin!?"

I jumped from the sound of his voice, he dropped his bag and Jachin still held me around my waist almost hugging my ass, he then let go and turned around. "What's up man, I'm Jay. Nice meetin' ya."

"Oh? Baby, u found your brother?"

"Nah man, I found her."