1 My journey with the devastated soul

Traveling on local buses , going to different academies , roaming on the roads , eating whatever is granted to me and then trying to consolidate my dispersed soul with it's lingering griefs is all my life on randomly basis . As if it's a disputed quest among my soul and body . I always use to ask myself how can these common moments be valuable to me and do they can really become profound memories ..?

The answer of these questions are hidden in our actions or in other ones interacting with us . Yes we have just to sense them . So let's go on with the story of a middle class student girl with her style of observing the striking realities of the life .

A wide smile if expressed by a tired face can attract an attention of someone with much wider smiles and loves in return .

Carrying on my daily schedule , i was going to the university on a local bus .. my mood was naturally off and my heart was already heavy with disgusted feelings , as if i was dragging my soul to the infinite destiny , having no ends or a death as a relief . Suddenly i caught the sight of a girl kid somehow six or seven years old , walking on the side of the road just beside our bus . The local bus was going slow due to some traffic so as she was walking with the same speed with us . I was looking at her with a light smile in a natural way till she was visible to me . She was so much impressed by the smile that when the local bus went faster , she ran out behind it , just again to catch a glimpse of me with a grin ! The driver increased the bus speed and i thought it's really impossible for her now to catch my glimpse in such a quick moment , but i was surprised when she was seen running behind the bus as fast as it was possible for her and so on , she became successful in catching the bus speed eventually . Her last momentous gesture recognized by me was pinky fragile lips widely opened with an innocent laughter !

I was so amazed by the sight that i forgot i was carrying my burdened soul ...

When i went to the university , the worries of the purposeless life again made me depressed . I felt what i study is aimless , what i think to do is stupid and as so on , my all days and night are worthless like a shattered shopper or like my devastated soul ..

The servant Abdullah came to look after the grassy field , i said salaam to him . He answered politely with a wide grin . His attitude always made me impressed as he seems to be ever contented , happy and satisfied with his poverty , job and responsibilities ! I often think that might his soul had compromised with his existence or might he know the secrets of sacrifice and dependency for the sake of independence !

The environment was looking fresh so i sat on the grassy field and gazed the nature , the greenery , the flowers , the stream of water and the blows of the cold wind ... slowly i found nothing is worthless , each thing have to give sacrifice for the sake of other's existence . The water , the greenery , the sunlight , the wind , the sky , All are dependent on each other .. and i'm too so much dependent on them and likewise important for the nature as i can feel it's beauty and can observe it's laws of reliance .

I felt an urgent need of such a light that can enlighten my soul with such an evergreen feelings , that are nourished by the pure water of faith and overwhelmed by the blows of love and freedom !

I realized only the love for nature can heal the ruined soul so far . As it facilitates for you to feel contented with your demolished conceits , hollowed existence and with your uncompromising soul .

when i was going back towards home , i felt my soul lighter and rejoicing with the natural beauty , as Keats says " A thing of beauty is a joy forever " !

After such a tiresome journey through local buses from home to university and again from university to home , my all body got wiped out but still my soul was demanding for a consolidation . I was feeling hungry so i ate some of the bread with yogurt that were available to me . Then as usual my mother came and rebuked me for being still a jobless because all my friends had gotten jobs and now enjoying their careers . My mother and my elder siblings are angry on me for that instead of enjoying a bright career , why i'm enjoying ( as they think ) my aimless life with no career !

Though i've worked hard several times to achieve a bright future but went on with disappointing results . Sometimes i really feel myself ravished with the paradoxes of life , luck and soul . This is so much controversial that the life and the luck are sometimes on apposite direction of an unachieved goal with a complete destination or achieving the goal without approaching to the destination , and much surprising that the soul stuck around them with it's own desires and stages of completion . Just one thing i got from my experience that the soul and the life might be able to reach on a comprising point but it's all unpredictable about the luck ... As no one knows what its aims are .. !!

After having that disgusting lunch , i went out for a leisurely walk and started observing the dark cloudy shades of sky , having no rays . The weather seems to be rainy now just apposite of the morning that was sunny .

May be the weather and the luck got the same nature in their creation as both are unpredictable , uncontrollable and so far selfish !

while wandering on fields , i felt my soul attracted by the darkness and coldness of the weather .

And that's how i always use to come under such gloomy sky and try to feel it's intensity in the bleak evenings when my soul becomes glum and dejected , just both my soul and sky seems to be much alike as both are down , alone and heavy !

The rain began to fall . I still stand outside and looked the heavy dark clouds .. !

Again I'm raptured by the nature , isn't the nature soul of the heaven .. ?

But why it is concerned with my emotional flaws so far ..

Is the " rule of dependency " also a flaw of the nature ..??

Suddenly i heard the thunder as if saying " When your soul is overwhelmed with emotional flaws , you just try to get rid of your existence and run off the place which could eliminates you entirely from this terrible being . You might run and run ...but nothing goes down rather than of your damned tears and emotions , that eventually become worthless " !

I soon realized my tears unworthy and useless , as they are nothing to do with my soul other than ravishing it ... !

The blow of the cold wind striken my melancholic soul . I felt this coldness accessing into the depth of my heart as though saying " When the cold shining of nature exhibits through it's dark beauty , just feel it freely as an owner of it ... as an honor "!

And so on i come to the fact that a true solitary is what when you are penetrated in the beauty of nature and in the value of nothingness ..!