Thoughts
School just wasn't the same. Classes I had with Jo, they were bland. No one to fuck around with. Then I started to hang out with other people. People I never thought of associating with before all this happened.
An old friend of mine, who I stopped having contact with was there for me. It made me realize that friends aren't those who are with you, but those that will stay with you. And even though all contact was lost. These friends still cared.
Currently I am in class writing this, and my acquaintances asked me if I wanted a pill. Valium I think, is that even how it's spelled? Anyways, I said no.
I find it weird, because me and Jo used to get super high off pills and weed. Now that he's gone, I'm sober. Sometimes I wonder if there is a place where souls go. Then I start talking about things I did through out the day. I find it funny, because I consider myself an atheist or agnostic. I mean, I just do it in case. That slim chance souls go elsewhere. That way it shows him I remember and still think of our friendship.
I'm lost. I'm gone. Can't function. That Valium sounded good.
Sort of like the devil on my shoulder whispering those words in my ear. "just one and done"
Then I think "fuck that"
"No longer sober and your over" I tell myself
Did I mention I have a chronic disease? It's true. Doctors said it would be a miracle to function properly when I turn 18. Now I'm 17 and doctors are saying I'm strong. I can live past 40 if I take my meds everyday. My sister has the same thing as me. Though everyone forgets I'm also sick. They ask her for medicine, if she ok, if she feels good. I'm not even suppose to work hard and my dad makes me do yard work. When my sister says she feels bad, she rest. When it's me, I'm called lazy. Maybe it's because she's a girl. I mean she's the only girl. So let's give a fuck about her sickness and forget my son is sick too.
My siblings call me spoiled, but my brother had game consoles, my sister got a car, they got to go with friends. My brother stole my dads truck and wrecked it, then stole my dads card and made a $2,900 something credit bill.
Then my brother says I'm spoiled because I don't get beaten up. Well dad would have probably left you alone, if you didn't do that shit! My sister got caught with so much shit from weed to pills, to weapons and other shit. Only got yelled at. I got caught with a joint, my mom was about to call the cops! My dad had to stop her!
I have straight A's in grades, perfect attendance. Won the school poetry slam. Got called to be on a radio station, and no mentions of me. My mom though would brag about my brother in the army and how he is so strong. Brag about my sister on how she is an enviromentalist and gets paid to take care of jungles and plants. They never had good grades like me! I never got into trouble, hell I know I was like fucked up on pills for a month, but I wasn't as bad as my sister. When my sister complains she's sick. FUCK THAT! SHE IS FUCKING DOWN TRIPPING BECAUSE SHE OUT OF DRUGS!!!!
I NEVER GOT ADDICTED!
almost, but I didn't.
When Jo passed away, my dad called me a bitch, fagget, and sissy for crying. He was like "I had friends that died, I didn't cry like you!"
I thought to myself "well they weren't real friends then"
It's ok. listen to my rants. Listen to the cries of a kid! Then go on saying I make a mountain out of a mole hill! Fuck that! I'll make a mountain out of a fucking grain of sand!!!!
My mom told me I am the reason she is sick. I AM THE REASON SHE WANTS TO KILL HERSELF, THE REASON SHE IS SICK!
WELL FUCK YOU MAMA! TELL ME YOU'RE EMBARASSED OF ME!!! TELL ME I WAS A REGRET AGAIN! THAT I WAS JUST AN ACCIDENTAL APPEARANCE OF A FUN NIGHT!
HOLD YOUR FUCKING KNIFE!
THROW IT BITCH!
(KNIFE MISSES)
WHY? SHOULD'VE HIT ME SO I CAN EMANCIPATE YOUR ASS!!!
I almost killed myself once because I thought if I make mommy sick, then if I'm gone she wouldn't be sick no more!!!!
good job mother, made your son grab a blade and almost do something stupid!
Then I met her, she makes me smile. I look forward to seeing her. She gets me. Like we literally have the same fucked up parents. So we relate on so many levels. I used to think relationships and dating was some pussy ass bull shit. I kinda like this pussy ass bull shit. It actually makes me smile. I love it when she gets mad at me for drinking energy drinks. When she says she loves me, I smile like a child in his most purest and happiest moments.
Love? maybe
head over heels? definitely
scared? yes, but fear shows us that we actually care enough about losing something.
I fear that nothing is true. That I'm just weird and people just go along to make me feel better. I never told her how sick I am. She knows I take medication, but she don't know how fucked up I really am. I'm scared she'll see me differently after I tell her.
Should I tell her?
Sincerely: Calamity