1 [CRITICAL FAILURE, MY LIFE!]
[TAKE A ShiT TO UNLOCK A NEW REWARD!] A gaudy voice declared outta nowhere.
"What is this now?" This digital thing appeared in front of my eyes as I was eating nachos, watching Breaking of the Beds. My favorite porn movie, just as this Walter dude told this Jesse chick they need to sell their bodies for money.
[Take. A ShIT. TO UNLOCK. A NEW REWARD!] The message echoed again, its digital voice tinged with what sounded suspiciously like impatience.
"...Is this a prank?" I asked myself out loud like a fucking idiot. As if the answer wasn't obvious enough.
"Oh, right. Nobody cares enough about me to make a prank like this." I realized.
"So, I've finally gone insane. Oh well, I live alone so I don't gotta really worry about anyone but myself..."
Let me introduce myself. I'm Micheal Micheals, the epitome of a loser. My parents couldn't even be bothered to think of a unique name for me. If I were in a room with four people and a grenade was thrown in, not only would no one dive on it to save me, but they'd probably shove me towards it instead. The only person who wouldn't is, well, me. But given the spectacular failure that is my life, I'm starting to question even that.
All my life, I've been the textbook definition of a loser. Friends? They ran for the hills the second they met me. Teachers? Wrote me off from day one. Bosses? Probably daydream about firing me out of a cannon. A girlfriend? That's a good one. My first crush? She stomped on my heart like it was part of her morning workout routine. My parents? They threw in the towel and disowned me. Even my bully had a breakdown the first time he saw me, sobbing that I was too hideous to gaze upon as he pummeled me. I mean, I don't think I'm the Elephant Man or anything, but I guess being Micheal Micheals comes with its own set of cursed rules. Victory? Not even in my dreams. They all morph into nightmares, and every night is a special screening of 'Micheal's Greatest Fears' with a side of sleep paralysis.
Life for me has been like constantly rolling a 1 on luck or something. A living, breathing failure, just using up oxygen until I expire. The universe seems to have it out for me. I once thought about ending it all just to give the world a break, but even that seemed like too much effort.
I'm employed at McBONALDS, mastering the art of burger flipping. Some would argue that's aiming too high for me, and I can't disagree. It barely keeps me under a roof, and I've got this gnawing feeling that I'll be evicted any day now. Maybe that'll be the push I need to just... give up.
[TAKE A ShiT TO UNLOCK A NEW-] "I HEARD YOU!" I flailed my palm against it. Naturally, my hand went through it. It behaved like it was just a hologram. For a human shit-stain, I sure got the imaginative mind...
Ah fuck, this is bad. I heard online if you feed your hallucinations, they'll appear more. Whatever, I'll just go to sleep.
[TAKE A sHIt TO UNLOCK A NEW REWARD!!!]
"Just ignore it... Nothing's there. I don't even need to go to the bathroom. I should go to sleep. This must be a side-effect from staying up for 48 hours." I turned off the movie, even though it got to the favorite part where Walter drops his pants and dances in a sensual way to hitchhike on this wagon full of hot chicks in the desert that "FORCE THEMSELVES" on him. Oh well.
(Later that night...)
It just won't stop.
[TAKE A ShIT to UNLOCK A NEW REWARD!!!!!!!!]
"CAN YOU NOT, BRAIN? I HAVE WORK TOMORROW. Can you maybe fall apart next weekend? By then, I'll probably be unemployed, and you can go wild!" I shout into the void, muffling my ears with pillows, clinging desperately to my sanity.
[TAKE A SHIT TO UNLOCK A NEW REWARD!!!!!!!!!]
"Really? Another exclamation point? Newsflash: you're not getting any louder. I think we hit your volume limit a while back-"
[TAKE A SHIT TO UNLOC-]
"FINE, FINE! I'LL DO IT, JUST SHUT UP!!" I surrender, bolting out of the couch and storming into the bathroom.
Silence. Apparently, he calms down if he thinks I'm complying. This has to be the most bizarre and stressful bathroom trip ever. Is this what impending madness feels like?
Dropping my pants and underwear, I sit on the toilet, bracing myself.
"Happy now?" I mutter, glancing around the empty room as I start the most surreal bathroom experience of my life.
[MICHEAL RECEIVED: 1 RE-ROLL FOR TAKING INITIATIVE!] the system announced with a flourish.
"Uh, thanks... Could you tone it down a bit? It's a bit much," I muttered, feeling a mix of gratitude and bewilderment.
[PREPARE TO ROLL FOR "TAKING A SHIT"]
"Wait, what now?"
Before me, a digital, twenty-sided die materialized, complete with a "ROLL" button suggesting interaction, and a "CANCEL" button for the less adventurous.
"This is just ridiculous... A twenty-sided die... Reminds me of some game... What was it again?"
[SUCCESS THRESHOLD: 2]
"So rolling under 2 means failure? How does one even fail at this? I mean, I'm not exactly a winner, but this is a new low, even for me," I mused, feeling the peculiar sensation of my bodily functions pausing as if in suspense.
My gaze settled on the "ROLL" Button, contemplating the bizarre halt in my bodily process. It's impressive what the mind can concoct, really. Worst case, if I'm sliding into insanity, at least I'd have a roof over my head and regular meals in an asylum...
"Ah, what the hell. If I hit CANCEL, it'll probably just nag me again. Let's ROLL." I pressed the button, feeling its smooth, key-like surface. The die spun wildly, finally halting on the number 1.
[ 1 ]
[CRITICAL MISS!]
"Of course, that's my luck..."
[MICHEAL HAS: 1 RE-ROLL AVAILABLE!]
[RE-ROLL] [CONTINUE]
As the critical miss notification popped up, two options appeared before me: the 'RE-ROLL' I'd earned earlier and a 'CONTINUE' button, presumably to proceed with the consequences of my unlucky roll.
"Just want to finish this absurdity and get out of here," I muttered, selecting the RE-ROLL option, driven only by my desire to end this bizarre experience.
Yet, as the die tumbled again, a strange sense of anticipation crept in. Ignoring the suspended turd situation, I wondered what it would feel like to score high for once. To actually win something. Was it even worth hoping for?
[ 1 ]
"Ha, should've known. Typical, when it's my mind in charge."
[CRITICAL MISS!]
As I reached for the [CONTINUE] button, a small, almost hidden text caught my eye:
[DISADVANTAGE: (CURSE OF THE LOSER, NATURAL LOSER: -19, CANNOT ROLL A NAT20) ]
[DESCRIPTION: REJECTED BY FATE ITSELF. A COSMIC ERROR IN EVERY REALM. YOUR EXISTENCE PREDISPOSES YOU TO FAILURE IN EVERY ENDEAVOR!]
"Well, that figures," I sighed, the revelation almost too fitting. " 'Cannot roll a nat20'... That's the highest on the die, right? But what's the point if it's always going to drop by 19?"
"Whatever, it's just a crap. If it comes out slower, so be it." Talking to myself like I'm the protagonist in some twisted comedy, I hit the [CONTINUE] button.
[THE TURD RETREATS!]
"What the—?!"
[MICHEAL STATUS UPDATE: CONSTIPATED!]
"Oh no, NO, NO! It's like it's got a mind of its own!!!" I cried out in agony. Pain shot through my gut, and I instinctively curled into a fetal position on the toilet seat.
[ROLL AGAIN?]
[SUCCESS THRESHOLD: 3]
[YES] [CANCEL]
The options glowed ominously before me. The pain was unbearable. "Just roll the damn thing! I CAN'T MOVE! DO IT, DO IT NOW!!" I shouted, too preoccupied with my own misery to press the button.
[VOICE COMMAND RECEIVED. ROLLING...]
I looked up, a sliver of hope flickering in my eyes...
Only to be extinguished instantly.
[ 1 ]
[CRITICAL MISS!]
[CONTINUE]
[DISADVANTAGE: (CURSE OF THE LOSER, NATURAL LOSER: -19, CANNOT ROLL A NAT20) ]
"Oh no, I forgot about the penalty...! What now? Does it get worse?!" My breathing became labored, panic setting in. But then, a strange calm washed over me. Despite the dire situation, I wasn't as terrified as I expected. Puzzled, I recalled the earlier moment when the turd paused mid-process. Maybe, just maybe, if I don't roll, things won't escalate.
That was my initial thought.
"Fuck this, I'm not pressing CONTINUE. I'll just grab a hot drink or something—" But I was stuck, frozen on the fucking toilet seat.
"Why the hell can't I move? Am I trapped in fucking limbo until I hit CONTINUE?" I noticed a bird outside, suspended in the city lights, frozen in mid-air. Time itself had stopped...
"Shit, I've gotta continue... What the fuck is this? I've totally lost it. Can't even call for help..." With a heavy heart and muscles tensed, I pressed CONTINUE.
[THE TURD TURNS INTO A ROCK AND SUCKS ITSELF BACK IN!]
[MICHEAL IS NOW SEVERELY CONSTIPATED!]
[MICHEAL'S STATUS: FEARFUL, ANXIOUS.]
"AAAAARGH... FUCK ME!!!" My teeth were clenched so hard I thought they'd shatter. I was doubled over in pain. The anxiety that wasn't there before crashed over me like a tsunami. It was as if my emotions had also been on pause, waiting for this fucked-up moment.
My stomach felt like it was going to explode.
[ROLL AGAIN?] The prompt flashed up again.
"HELL NO!! IF I ROLL AGAIN, I'M FUCKED! MY GUTS ARE GONNA SPILL OUT... ARRGH...!"
[SAVING THROW: FAILED]
Glancing at the window again out of habit, I saw the bird take off.
I dragged my ass off the toilet and stumbled toward the kitchen.
[SAVING THROW: FAILED]
"What the fuck does 'SAVING THROW' MEAN? I DIDN'T EVEN ROLL AGAIN...!!"
[SAVING THROW: FAILED]
"Ah, damn it all! Can't wait for an ambulance... Need to do an enema now... SHIT!!!" Clutching my stomach, I rummaged through the fridge and found a bottle with a small cork. As I grabbed it, a realization hit me. When was the last time I actually drank water? All those years, filling myself with anything but water...
"NO."
[SAVING THROW: FAILED]
"This is happening because...!" Frantically, I emptied the bottle, refilling it with lukewarm water from the sink.
"BECAUSE OF THAT DAMNED...!" I clutched the bottle, staggering out of the kitchen.
[SAVING THROW: FAILED]
"DICE!"
I rushed back to the bathroom and lay on my back, positioning the bottle for an enema, then forced myself to sit on the toilet again. Sweat poured down my face, my nerves frayed to their limits.
[ROLL AGAIN?]
[SUCCESS THRESHOLD: 9]
[YES] [CANCEL]
The prompt taunted me once more.
"Fuck you..."
Breathing hard, I held the water in, enduring the pain. Minutes stretched on, each one a battle against the agony.
Will releasing the water work? Can I escape this nightmare? But deep down, I knew. Nothing ever works out for me. Perhaps it's better to just give up, take a leap from my high-rise apartment. Anything's better than dying like this...
[MICHEAL RECEIVED ADVANTAGE: ENEMA, 1D10]
"What's this now?" I squinted at the new status message, its blue hue casting a glow over my face.
[DESCRIPTION: SUCCESSFUL SELF-ADMINISTERED ENEMA! GAIN A 1D10 BONUS ON YOUR ROLLS FOR BOWEL MOVEMENTS!]
"1D10...? So that's like a ten-sided die, right? But with the 'Curse of the Loser' still on me, does it even make a difference?" The confusion swirled in my head.
Staring at the prompt, I took a minute to gather my dwindling courage. "Hey, whoever's doing this... I'm ready." If this doesn't work, I've got nothing to lose. It's not like life's been a bed of roses anyway.
[ROLL AGAIN?]
[SUCCESS THRESHOLD: 9]
[DISADVANTAGE: CURSE OF THE LOSER, NATURAL LOSER: -19, CANNOT ROLL NAT20]
[YES] [CANCEL]
With a heavy sigh, I resigned myself to the unknown. The details were still fuzzy, and I half-believed I had lost my mind, but it didn't matter anymore.
"Yes."
[VOICE COMMAND RECOGNIZED. ROLLING...]
I closed my eyes, my heart pounding. Who knew that taking a dump would become my biggest life challenge? But considering my perpetual bad luck, it was almost expected. I needed a damn miracle to even manage a basic human function.
[13]
[-19]
[1]
"So that's it. Every roll gets dragged down to 1... Looks like the end for me..."
[+1d10 = 8]
"But wait, the enema bonus..."
[1] + [8] = [9]
[SUCCESS!]
[CONTINUE]
"What...?"
"I actually won something?"
As the word SUCCESS glowed before me, a tear trickled down my cheek. I hadn't realized how desperately I'd craved even a small victory.
"Continue," I whispered, a faint glimmer of hope stirring within me.
[REWARD ATTAINED: Natural Loser REMOVED, CURSE OF THE LOSER REMOVED. You can now roll NAT20s and your perpetual stroke of bad luck disappeared!!!]
"Haaa.... Fuckwit..."
TO BE CONTINUED...
