1 A Beautiful Lie

Content includes self-harm! Please be aware!

This is all fictional.

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Do you know how sad I was back then? When I first met you, I knew right away that I loved you, I just... somehow knew. But I didn't want to accept the reality, why? Because I knew that you have someone that you love already. But somewhere in my head, I kept denying reality and instead, made one of my own.

Do you know how happy I was when you later came up to me and asked for my phone number? We were in the same company but you were much higher than I was. Me, a mere employee and you, an executive. We started hanging out and I knew that I was falling deeper into the hole of love. But I kept denying and denying because I still wanted to be by your side.

Do you know how happy I was when you asked me out? I was so happy that I thought it was all a dream, I kept slapping myself until you held my hands and said that it wasn't a dream. I kept smiling to myself and thought, 'What a perfect life'. I thought that you were over her and we could finally be together. But I started hearing rumors about how I looked like your ex-girlfriend. To be honest, when I first saw pictures of her, I thought that we did look similar but not to the point where I could replace her. I knew that I was a replacement for her but I kept denying reality because... I truly love you.

Even though my friends kept telling me that they're skeptical of you, I believe in you and not them. I was truly a fool for believing in you. When I asked you if you dated me just because I looked similar to your ex-girlfriend, you kept denying it. I believed you but I knew that deep in my heart, I couldn't believe in that lie. Yet I still chose to believe in it, why? Because to me, it was a beautiful lie. A lie that I hope could last forever.

I was truly happy with you. But sometimes in your sleep, I could hear you mumbling her name and asking for her back. I was truly heartbroken, I cried so many times that night but... why didn't I leave you? Why couldn't I leave behind this darkness? Why couldn't I love... myself for once? I wanted to ask myself that at the time but the coward in me didn't want to do anything.

I kept staying by your side in hope that I could replace her one day. I knew that you truly did not love me but instead, you loved my face... because it reminded you of her. I knew all that deep inside my heart yet I still chose to love you with all my heart. Hoping that my love could change you... I feel so stupid now thinking of that.

We were together for 4 years since 2010 and every day I felt so happy. Just hearing your voice, seeing your smile, and being next to you gave me courage... but the courage didn't last long. Because she finally came back during the summer of 2014.

When she came back, I didn't feel any fear of you leaving me because I thought we were truly a happy couple. But that only lasted for a short amount of time because you started coming home late and you kept smiling to yourself so much. I asked you and you said it was because you got a business deal. I smiled and congratulated you but in the back of my head, I kept asking myself, 'Is that really the truth?'.

But I chose to believe in you. As time pass by, I noticed that you kept looking at my face a lot more often. I kept smiling in front of you but behind you, I cried. My mental health was plummeting but I didn't care, I just wanted to be by your side. It was soon the wintertime of 2014. During the past 4 years when I got sick, you would always take care of me saying that I was like a fragile flower that you would forever take care of. But when I got sick this winter, you weren't by my side at all. I kept asking my parents for you but they just smiled and said, 'He's busy with work but he sent you some flowers'. The flowers that you sent me were honeysuckle, do you know what this means in the language of flowers? It means, devoted affection.

I kept smiling to myself saying that you wouldn't leave me and that you were busy with work. I got so used to saying it but still... why did I feel so sad deep inside. One time when my parents thought that I was asleep, they cried. Why? Because they knew the truth. The truth was that you were by her side and taking care of her instead. I didn't want my parents to feel sad knowing that I know the truth so I pretended that I was still asleep.

But when I closed my eyes, tears kept coming down my face. I'm really tired of this all, I'm tired of loving you... I just want to stop loving you. Yet I still couldn't. I was so mad at myself that I started inflicting self pain on myself. I thought that the pain would help me in forgetting you but every single time, I would always see your face... I still can't forget you. WHY! I wanted to yell at myself. Soon, my friends and family found out. They cried for me... they cried for me.

It's funny to think that people around you love you, yet you still can't love yourself.

When I woke up in the hospital and saw that my family and friends were all there for me, I cried. Not because of you but because of my family and friends. I wanted to stop loving you, not for me, but for the people around me.

It was working! But when I saw you walking with her, you looked genuinely happy. I completely broke down. Why can't I stop this madness?! I just want to stop loving you... but why can't I? Is this a curse placed upon me? My heart would hurt so much whenever I see you with her but I couldn't bear to break you two apart... I couldn't bear to see you sad.

I knew that she doesn't know the truth, I knew that if I told her, you two would completely fall apart. But still, I couldn't do it.

My family and friends advised me to travel abroad and forget about you so I did. It took me about 9 years to stop loving you. It was a long process but I'm happy with myself for that.

When I traveled back to my country, I brought with me, my husband and our twins. I didn't want to keep the truth from my husband so I told him when we started dating. I thought that he would laugh at me and leave me but he didn't. I showed him the scars on both of my arms, he said nothing. I was scared at that moment because I thought he would leave me as you did but instead, he hugged me. I cried so much. He stayed by my side the whole time and because of him, I was able to stop loving you.

I was 23-years-old when I started dating you. And now I'm 37-years-old, I wasted my youth on you believing in the lie that you created. But it wasn't completely your fault, it was also my fault for believing in you. But now, instead of wasting my time on you, I could finally spend the time loving the people around me and... myself.

Back then, I failed to realize how the people around me loved me. But now, I'm able to give them their love back. Now, I will love my mom, dad, friends, husband, my kids, and also myself. The once beautiful lie is no longer beautiful but a part of my past.