what really happened

so I started self harm when I was around 12.. and this was because of something that happened the year before. my father passed away when I was in 6th grade and I was 11,and we all know that having a loved person pass is a very hard thing to go through. and for me it was hard, that same day started like a normal school day. i was in orchestra, like 7th period, that day we had free time and my teacher got a call from the office telling me my mom was picking me up. I thought it was my brother because he was having trouble with his eyes. when I got picked up I saw that my mom was crying... I asked what was wrong and what she told me. i was crying my heart out. she told me that my father had a heart attack.

after that happened I was treated like a princess at school by teachers and students. I thought everyone was fake. because they've never really noticed me. in 7th grade I started having panic attacks from memories of my dad, I went to a counselor the next day and told her everything and she got sad because she didn't feel anything from me when she talked about I just snapped and screamed "IT'S MY FAULT HE DIED, I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANNA STAY THE NIGHT WITH HIM BEFORE IT HAPPENED, HE KNEW I WAS DEPRESSED AFTER I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN MY DREAM, AND THAT DREAM CAME TRUE MAYBE IF I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT DREAM NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAD HAPPENED!!! " I stormed off out of her room and went back to my normal class everything went down hill from there I started cutting and when I did, all if my pain went away... like cutting actually helped ez my pain. till this day, now I'm in 8th grade, I still cut knowing the pain will go away, im still depressed, and my anxiety is worse, I hope that all my pain will leave one day, but I myself know it won't nothing will help me. till this day I still wear a fake smile, i pretend everything is fine, something also effected me, a few months ago me and my ex boyfriend broke up. and a few days ago I found someone that I liked, he lives in Houston and I like him and he knows ,I think, he keeps hitting on me and other stuff,and we met at my half sisters, nieces party. at night me and him were listening to oldy music yknow. that's when I fell for him but that's a new story... but yeah that's why I tried to commit suicide, and sorry for the little love story at the end, thank you for reading my story (btw I'm now 13 and my birthday is in a few days aka March 28,2019) bbyyeeee!!! (and sorry if I messed up a few words it's hard to type correctly with nails on yknow) lol