1 Another Home-Brewed Disaster

Honestly this time my goal is just to fuck with Dave. Our DM, Dave, devised this convoluted campaign to punish us(me) for ruining the last one by gambling the plot and balance away with the Deck of Many things.

For this campaign, I promised to just make a normal character. Well, no, obviously I'm not going to do that. I'm sure I can get away with some stuff since Dave's still new to 5e. Throw in some classic, convoluted logic, and I should be able to get a few fun things.

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Name: Leighton Saint-Cloud

Race: Musetouched Aasimar

Class: Bard(1)/Mystic(1)

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Age: 21

Height: 188cm

Weight: 80kgs

Eyes: Silver

Skin: Pale

Hair: Yellow

Str: 10 Dex: 18

Con: 12 Int: 18

Wis: 14 Cha: 22

Damage Resistances: Psychic

Damage Immunities: Radiant

Ideals: Freedom & Joy

Bonds: Overly protective of his flute

Flaws: Socially naive due to upbringing

Traits: Curiosity, Dismissive of Gods, Jack of All Trades, Song of Rest, Wary of Religion, Eidetic Memory

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Homebrewed racial rework? Check. Breaking the 20 attribute limit? Check. Levels in skills that I have no right having? Check. A personality that promises we'll spend far too much time in towns? Oh absolutely check.

Let's just ignore the fact that I basically just made a magical and more attractive version of me with cool hair. That just means I won't have to focus on roleplaying. Right? Plus I'll have an excuse to perform with my flute while we're playing. All that's left is a tragic backstory and I'll have my character ready to go!

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Born in a remote church, Leighton was birthed with near angelic traits. Otherworldly hair, jewel-toned eyes, and a sense of serenity surrounding him. Taking this to mean that Leighton was sent from their god, the priests killed his parents and raised the boy to be a weapon and spiritual figure for the church.

Due to a young girl from a nearby village sneaking in to visit every night, Leighton was able to maintain a semblance of a normal personality.

When sneaking in to visit Leighton on his 21st birthday, the girl was caught by the priests and executed under the pretense of heresy. Finding his only friend now dead, Leighton finally realized how terrible the church was. Sneaking away from the church with nothing but a flute she had gifted him and an old promise to always be happy, Leighton left with no real goal; but decided that he would never stand by as someone else went through what he did.

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Well yeah sure, it's a little sappy and half-assed, but hey, I've never been known for being a good writer. Maybe it doesn't really fit Dave's world... But that's his problem, I'm sure he can make it fit into that weird Marvel/D&D world he brewed up while drunk one night. Yeah, I'm sure of it.

"Hey Lei, you done your character yet?" I heard Dave pull me out of the character-creation trance.

Whoops, guess I'm the last one done. "Yup, here ya go. Check it for me would ya?"

"...Some of this seems like bullshit, Lei. Twenty-two charisma?"

"Sorry man, but it fits my roleplay. Just give me a decent level adjustment to balance it I guess."

"Alright, but if you ruin my campaign again you'll have to design the next one."

"Seems fair, we ready to start?" Wow, that was way easier than I thought it would be. Maybe I should just try to play the campaign properly this time?

*****

"Roll for it."

"Nat-20!"

"The ballroom is enthralled by Lei's music!"

Before anyone else in the group could say a word or roll for their next move, I whipped out my flute, stood up and started trying to recreate the feeling of the ballroom. Usually, this group enjoys when I play but this time something was off, Dave looked at me in horror. Mark and Val looked like they were going to jump away. I suddenly felt something on my neck and looked down. Dave's dog. Dave's big ass dog. Dave's big ass dog just attacked me. Oh shit.

I felt something warm flowing down my neck and chest, and something cold creeping through my mind. I started to fall and passed out halfway down.

Now I find myself in front of a soft glow, unable to move or speak.

It's Dave.

"Dave?! What the fuck man??"

"Yeah sorry mate, looks like Cerbes killed you..."

"Excuse me? Pardon the fuck?"

"You're dead mate."

"Yeah sure okay, but why are you here?"

"Well... I'm God."

"So... I just see you as Dave for some reason?"

"What? No. I'm Dave. I, Dave, am God."

"..."

"..."

"You still owe me three months of rent."

"You're trying to get rent money from God?"

"You also let your dog kill me... so triple it I guess?"

"It's not even my dog, I was just dog-sitting for Hades."

"That makes it worse mate."

"Whatever. Remember that magic system you put together for the last campaign?"

"Yeah, of course, that was like, 3 hours of work."

"...You said it took you weeks... That's not the point. Okay, so, the One Above All-"

"Wait you mean like the 'God' in the Marvel universe??"

"Yeah that one. Anyway, apparently he actually used it to fill out the rules of magic in his multiverse."

"So my coffee-stained idea was good enough for a God?"

"Yes. Okay, so as compensation from me for rent and letting Hades' dog kill you; as well as The One Above All thinking you earned the right to experience the magic system that you designed, we figured that I'd let your soul move to his universe. How's that sound?"

"Sounds fun, but I'd probably just die off the bat. I mean I just got merked by a dog from the underworld, my luck isn't exactly great. So I'm going to need a system or-"

"Fuck no. You're not getting a system. That bullshit doesn't exist in the real world."

"But Marvel does?"

"Touché. Still no."

"Ass. Alright, how am I supposed to survive in a world of magic, mutants, and maniac supervillains?"

"Well, since you seem to have a mage fetish, I was just going to tweak your soul a bit so you'd have magical talent."

"So you're just going to give me some decent talent and hope I find a teacher? Come on man. You read Spiderman Ultimate Peter Parker just like I did. Three wishes. Pony up."

"You realize that The One Above All granted those right? We're completely different Gods from completely different multiverses."

"Wait is that fanfic real?!" *sigh* "Fine nothing broken I promise, just like some stuff that involves the taking of my soul yeah?"

"...This isn't going to be 'not broken' like the spectral winged elf psionic from two campaigns back is it?"

"Yeah I still don't know how you let me get away with that. I'll try and be good. Proooomise."

"Don't be cute, you're disgusting. Fine just tell me what you want and I'll see if it's possible."

"Okay well, how much of my character sheet from earlier can you keep?"

"Name, appearance, stats, race, and traits. But elves don't exist where you're going to the best of my knowledge. Well there's the Dark Elves but I'm pretty sure you don't want to be associated with them, so I'd suggest something else."

"Hey! Musetouched Aasimar may have elvish characteristics but they're not elves!"

"How do you have racial pride for a race that you aren't a member of?"

"Not sure man, just kind of came naturally? Anyway, long pointed ears, but long backwards, not straight out to the side alright? Those ears are bullshit. Yellow hair, and I mean yellow, not blonde. Remember that Tessa Violet 'Crush' music video? That colour, but the roots yellow too. Silver eyes, like bright silver, not grey, make em shine a bit. Then make the face like a male version of the Musetouched Aasimar from Bagels Campaigns. Also, make me 6'2 and athletic yeah? Can all of that count as one?"

"Fine, since you'll bitch at me otherwise. Musetouched generally are descendants of archfey, so annoyingly enough you'll be talented in magic from this too. But I'm sticking the Socially Naive flaw into you're soul since your an asshole and it was on the sheet."

"Fair enough, 22 charisma should help me avoid most of those problems anyway.

"Prick."

"Hey you're three months behind on rent, you don't get to rag on me. Are you even going to be able to keep living there since I'm gone?"

"Piss off. Just tell me the other two so I don't have to keep talking to you."

"Fine fine. Is it possible to up the magic talent even more?"

"You'll already be at the peak of what the universe will tolerate, let alone the Eidetic Memory trait. Don't push your luck."

"Tch. Then I want to grow up on Asgard around the 1990's and..."

"Ha! Having trouble thinking of a third?"

"Ass, anything I think of would either make it boring, or it isn't possible for you."

"Why don't you just ask for something cool but mundane then?"

"Well, I feel like I'm wasting a gift from a God..."

"You already have enough to eventually put yourself on the level of most of the multiverse's supreme existences. You'll even be a brand new race. What more do you want?"

"Oh yeah, speaking of that, how are you gonna manage to make another race just pop up?"

"I'll just get The One Above All to make you materialize on Thor's lap in the Asgardian banquet hall around the year 1997 of the Julian calendar. It's got some problems but oh well."

"With Thor? That more than 'some' problems. I'm going to have a fuckin weird childhood I guess. Whatever, you know what, let's just get something fun. Can you make it so that my presence makes nature happy? Like grass grows and gets greener, flowers bloom, the air gets cleaned, nature has more vitality when I'm around. That kind of thing?"

"Yeah that's doable. Okay, so you'll be a Musetouched Aasimar, you designed your appearance, you'll get all of the benefits from your race and character sheet, including stats. You'll grow up on Asgard for some reason, and nature will love you. All that sound right?"

"Oh yeah, I'm so ready. This is gonna be dope."

"Well then, good luck Lei. Try not to get yourself killed this time around, yeah?"

"Pfft. As long as you don't cause my death, I'll live until the end of time. See ya Dave... take care of my flute yeah?"

"Easy enough, see you around Lei."

"Cheers."