1 Mean Dragon

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Handsome adventurer SAGE VAHN MASON is arguing with skimpish Author EINLION LEFT FOOT. VAHN tries to hug EINLION but he shakes him off.

VAHN: Please Einlion, don't leave me.

EINLION: I'm sorry Vahn, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

VAHN: I am such a person!

EINLION frowns.

EINLION: I'm sorry, Vahn. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

EINLION leaves.

VAHN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, intelligent Food Thief BIRD AHOU AHOU barges in looking flustered.

VAHN: Goodness, Ahou! Is everything okay?

AHOU: I'm afraid not.

VAHN: What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

AHOU: It's ... a dragon ... I saw an evil dragon rob a bunch of children!

VAHN: Defenseless children?

AHOU: Yes, defenseless children!

VAHN: Bloomin' heck, Ahou! We've got to do something.

AHOU: I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

VAHN: You can start by telling me where this happened.

AHOU: I was...

AHOU fans himself and begins to wheeze.

VAHN: Focus Ahou, focus! Where did it happen?

AHOU: Greenwich, London! That's right - Greenwich, London!

VAHN springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

VAHN rushes along the street, followed by AHOU. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. GREENWICH, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER

SENCAWKU SENCAWKU a mean dragon terrorises two children.

VAHN, closely followed by AHOU, rushes towards SENCAWKU, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

AHOU: What is is? What's the matter?

VAHN: That's not just any old dragon, that's Sencawku Sencawku!

AHOU: Who's Sencawku Sencawku?

VAHN: Who's Sencawku Sencawku? Who's Sencawku Sencawku? Only the most mean dragon in the universe!

AHOU: Blinkin' knickers, Vahn! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most mean dragon in the universe!

VAHN: You can say that again.

AHOU: Blinkin' knickers, Vahn! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most mean dragon in the universe!

VAHN: I'm going to need holy sword, lots of holy sword.

Sencawku turns and sees Vahn and Ahou. He grins an evil grin.

SENCAWKU: Vahn Mason, we meet again.

AHOU: You've met?

VAHN: Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young VAHN is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees SENCAWKU. He takes off his headphones.

SENCAWKU: Would you like some Terra's Nectar?

VAHN's eyes light up, but then he studies SENCAWKU more closely, and looks uneasy.

VAHN: I don't know, you look kind of mean.

SENCAWKU: Me? No. I'm not mean. I'm the least mean dragon in the world.

VAHN: Wait, you're a dragon?

VAHN runs away, screaming.

EXT. GREENWICH, LONDON - PRESENT DAY

SENCAWKU: You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

AHOU: (To VAHN) You ran away?

VAHN: (To AHOU) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

VAHN turns to SENCAWKU.

VAHN: I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

VAHN runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

VAHN: I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with holy sword.

SENCAWKU: I'm not scared of you.

VAHN: You should be.

EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - LATER THAT DAY

VAHN and AHOU walk around searching for something.

VAHN: I feel sure I left my holy sword somewhere around here.

AHOU: Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly holy sword.

VAHN: You know nothing Ahou Ahou.

AHOU: We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, SENCAWKU appears, holding a pair of holy sword.

SENCAWKU: Looking for something?

AHOU: Crikey, Vahn, he's got your holy sword.

VAHN: Tell me something I don't already know!

AHOU: The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

VAHN: I know that already!

AHOU: I'm afraid of fingering my beer keg..

SENCAWKU: (appalled) Dude!

While SENCAWKU is looking at AHOU with disgust, VAHN lunges forward and grabs his deadly holy sword. He wields them, triumphantly.

VAHN: Prepare to die, you mean potato!

SENCAWKU: No please! All I did was rob a bunch of children!

EINLION enters, unseen by any of the others.

VAHN: I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Vahn Mason defender of innocent children.

SENCAWKU: Don't hurt me! Please!

VAHN: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these holy sword on you right away!

SENCAWKU: Because Vahn, I am your father.

VAHN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

VAHN: No you're not!

SENCAWKU: Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

SENCAWKU tries to grab the holy sword but VAHN dodges out of the way.

VAHN: Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, SENCAWKU slumps to the ground.

AHOU: Did he just faint?

VAHN: I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly holy sword.

VAHN crouches over SENCAWKU's body.

AHOU: Be careful, Vahn. It could be a trick.

VAHN: No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sencawku Sencawku is dead!

VAHN: What?

VAHN: Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

AHOU claps his hands.

AHOU: So your holy sword did save the day, after all.

EINLION steps forward.

EINLION: Is it true? Did you kill the mean dragon?

VAHN: Einlion how long have you been...?

EINLION puts his arm around VAHN.

EINLION: Long enough.

VAHN: Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sencawku Sencawku.

EINLION: Then the children are safe?

VAHN: It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

EINLION: You are their hero.

The children bow to VAHN.

VAHN: There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sencawku Sencawku will never rob children ever again, is enough for me.

EINLION: You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes VAHN a hard Ein's virginity

EINLION: I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

VAHN: I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

VAHN: Well, if you insist.

VAHN takes the Ein's virginity.

VAHN: Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

VAHN turns to EINLION.

VAHN: Does this mean you want me back?

EINLION: Oh, Vahn, of course I want you back!

VAHN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

VAHN: Well you can't have me.

EINLION: WHAT?

VAHN: You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a dragon to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

EINLION: But...

VAHN: Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ahou.

AHOU grins.

EINLION: But...

AHOU: You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

EINLION: Vahn?

VAHN: I'm sorry Einlion, but I think you should skidaddle.

EINLION leaves.

AHOU turns to VAHN.

AHOU: Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

VAHN: Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly AHOU stops.

AHOU: When I said I'm afraid of fingering my beer keg., you know I was just trying to distract the dragon, don't you?

THE END