1 Momma

The room was cold. Death hovered in the air. She lay there, despondent to all around her. I hated seeing her like that. Hospitals had a way of depressing me. It could be the symbolism; sickness and death. The doctors said they did all they could. That is not a big comfort.

She discovered the lump in her right breast 4 months ago. After the diagnosis, they removed her breast. Can you imagine going thru that? She sure is a fighter, my momma the strongest woman I know. She bared so much in her 49 years. After that surgery, we got more bad news. The cancer spread to the lymph nodes. Everything was happening to fast. How did the cancer go undetected?

Chemotherapy was started immediately, as did the side effects. Her strength was amazing. There wasn't much momma would let it get her down. All she wanted to do was go to work and live life as usual. She was advised against it. The infection was too advanced .To me, she acted as if she did not have the disease. I suppose it was her way of coping. She would never claim it. Her mind was free of the disease. I just wish her body were on the same page.

Now here we are, The Washington Hospital Center. The cancer progressed to her liver and stomach, despite the treatments. The doctor recommended hospice care. I have tried to prepare myself but it's harder than you could imagine. We have tried 18 new treatments. None worked. She has become weak and lifeless. This is not the momma I know, it's as if she has given up the fight. I try to remain hopeful but the reality is, she is dying. Perhaps she came to this realization long before I did. It saddens me to see her in so much pain.

Seeing all those tubes invading her body, makes me feel helpless. It is not supposed to be like this. Everyday since the diagnosis, I have cried. No more tears I say to myself. Be strong for momma. She needs to see me strong.

How can I be strong when I am going to be all alone? Maybe it's selfish but I need her. Now I have to manage my life without her. Her smile has faded. Despair and pain have taken seat. Why is this happening? She is the only family I have.

Again tears streaming down my face. The nurse came in; she touched my shoulder and proceeded to take mamma's vitals. The machine beeped continuously. Her face was pale. She grimaced as she was poke and prodded. Worried I said, "Do you have to do it so hard, she needs peace?" The nurse looked at me, nodded, and smiled half-heartedly. I suppose there was no need for her to respond. It was understood that I was a bit frustrated and hurt.

The grief counselor suggested I take care of the hospice arrangements this week. They did not give her long. To think about hospice, funerals and my momma being gone pained me. Momma was slipping away every minute. All she did was sleep. She occasionally regained consciousness; she called for her sister Lilly. Lilly died 4 years ago.

My mother did not recognize me. Delirium set in. This was hard. Life has a way of dealing you curveballs. I just wasn't sure how I would get over this one. Can you ever get over loosing the one person that loved you unconditionally, no matter what your faults were? The faith she had in me was unexplainable. Now I would have to bury the one somebody that truly cared. I knew I would never be the same after this.

Bryce called earlier asking if I wanted him to come by. I appreciated his gesture, but I would just rather be alone with my momma.