1 I Loved You

Love.

Such a pure and innocent thought.

It is something that most people, if not every single one, believe to save the world.

I dream of love.

Well, I used to.

That was until the harsh reality of the world slapped me silly.

My perfect ideals of a happy and love-filled world crumbled the day I have learned that humans can be selfish motherduckers.

Looking back, even I can only scoff at my naivety.

I always knew that love was a messy thing.

Proof of that claim being my very own parents.

Their relationship through the years mostly followed a cycle.

They will be happy for a while.

Then a problem pops up out of nowhere.

They fight and argue, even inflicting damage to me and my siblings.

At times, they do tend to get violent in the physical aspect.

But then, when things cool off, they will both say sorry.

From there, things will revert back to the "normal".

Then the cycle repeats itself.

I grew up seeing and experiencing everything with my own eyes.

But I refuse to believe that love can be so dysfunctional.

My thoughts back then were simple: if you love someone, you should learn to accept everything - the good, the bad, and the in between.

I mean, look at all the Disney princess stories that I have watched since I was a little girl.

The prince accepts everything about the princess.

It does not matter whether she is a poor slave, poisoned, cursed into eternal slumber, or even a half-fish!

So, following the norm, we must learn to accept everything about our partner.

Every time I compare my parents with the fairy tale characters I admire, I can not help but notice the stark difference.

The fairy tales fit perfectly!

They do not constantly get into a fight like my parents do.

My young self had therefore concluded that maybe my parents did love each other, but it was not TRUE LOVE.

True Love is the one everyone wants to achieve.

It is when everything just simply falls into place.

I have carried that way of thinking with me growing up.

With the messy family life that I had, I always wished for some prince charming to come and ride me off into the sunset.

Ah, how foolish.

Time passed by like a breeze.

Everything was a constant repetition of mundane things.

Until I met you.

I was sixteen back then.

I never knew that you would be the one to bring me down from the clouds, crashing all the way to the ground.

It was a crash and burn.

I met you through a texting group.

It was the trend back then.

Little did I know, joining one would be the worst decision I had ever made.

Sixteen was the age where I wanted to "live life to the fullest" by doing crazy things.

It was the phase where I wanted emotional stability.

Maybe I have yearned a little bit too much for the feeling of belongingness…

Because I think I have forced myself to fall in love.

I wanted to know how being in love felt like.

All my peers back then had relationships of their own.

I was the odd one out.

I valued my self but my need for social validation surpassed that.

When I met you, you were courting somone else - a girl you knew from your side of town.

You kept asking stuff like what girls my age would like to receive as gifts, how we would want to be treated, and why we change our minds every so often.

Hahaha.

I always knew you were dense and a bit slow.

Maybe I should mention that you were not really that good looking either…

Nice one, self. You really know how to pick 'em.

Anyway~

We got talking and slowly our friendship started to blossom.

You became a best friend of some sort.

My "texting" best friend.

So I helped you get the girl.

But a few days later, you told me you guys broke up.

Your relationship did not even last a week!

Bro, I guess that should have been a warning sign.

I mean, I guess I should have took notice of the alarm bells ringing in my head.

Because in a matter of days, you "turned your affection" to me.

Like, wow ~

As I am typing this, I had to stop a few times for about a couple minutes because I truly can not believe how dumb I was back then.

My goodness!

Any who~

So you started courting me.

To be honest, at that time, I did not even need another person to court me at all.

I already had a suitor.

He was a senior that I really liked.

He is smart.

He is kind.

He is sweet and hella charming.

He is also handsome, so that was a plus.

More so, he was a true, blue gentleman.

He was my every dream come true at that time.

Even my friends knew him and they approve of him too.

Every thing was going well but the problem was, he moved to a far away place.

We could not keep up with the communication.

Long distance relationships suck big time.

We both tried but soon enough, we had a fall out.

I was devastated.

I really liked him.

At that time, you just broke up with your girl.

You should have been devastated too because supposedly that was the girl you have claimed to liked since grade school.

So it came off as a surprise when you started courting me two days after.

You had reasoned that broken hearts could help mend each other.

Lol

I want to go back in time and either kill myself or punch the living daylights out of you.

I can not help it.

I am not even sure what happened.

Maybe because I was in despair?

I was lured by the devil's tongue.

Looking back through all of these makes me cringe so badly because I have been so blinded by God knows what, that I have failed to see through all your god damn ploys.

My senior had been courting me patiently for months.

You kept pestering me to agree in just a span of two weeks because you think that things the courting process had been dragging on for too long.

Geez Louis!

So I agreed.

That was the day after Christmas and you kept saying how it would be the perfect Christmas gift.

And folks, in a moment of stupidity, I agreed.

Now, I do not mean to discredit you or de-value you.

You had been nice.

But that was about it.

I really do not understand why I fell for you.

You had no outstanding qualities.

You were far from my ideal type of guy.

You did not deserve me at all.

So I keep questioning myself why did I have a lapse of judgement?

Jesus Christ.

If I only had a clear mind, I would not have gone through and endured the heartache.

(to be continued)