Genius is no more

"You killed him. It's your fault!" San started crying and shaking. His stomach was trying to fly out of his body. He didn't know whether it was from the wetness, the cold, the smell… His mind was trying to destroy him. His hand was so cold. It would be better if he died there, too. It would be better if he died. The screams were filling his ears, the cries, the questions and yelling, the sound of shutters, and the flashes that filled his eyes. Shan tried shaking his head, but that didn't help. He hit himself on the side of his head, but nothing helped! He should die.

***

"You are so amazing!" 

"Really, a genius!" 

"You must be proud of him." 

Yang San had no idea why those sentences were said to him and his parents. He didn't know why those strangers behaved so weirdly towards him, but the smiles on his parent's faces were something he wanted to see more. 

That was when he was four and started playing piano. Then, when he was fourteen, he started to hate it. He hated every minute of it. But he would do it again and again. 

He would play for strangers. In concert halls filled with more strangers. And in school, he would play whenever he was told to.

Just because his parents were proud of him. Even though he loved something else more now. But just the feeling inside that he had to repay them, at least like this, that they brought him up, forced him to continue.

Up until now. He was standing at the portal to the stage, and he was covered with cold sweat. He saw the first few rows of the audience and his vision got blurry and his stomach made somersaults, ready to give back the water he drank today. 

"I can't do this," he whispered. His body swayed, and he had to lean on the door. Cold sweat covered his body, and he was having difficulty remembering how to breathe. 

Everyone was staring at him. He shifted his gaze to the piano standing in the middle of it all and HIS face flashed before his eyes. How he sat beside Shan, smiling, happy. The cheerful face became ash grey and darkened.

"You killed me and yet you want to play to commemorate us?"

His stomach started convulsing and San ran to the nearest bin he saw, just to shake and cry above it, not being able to even puke. Because he wasn't able to eat anything. 

"Are you okay?" someone asked. San wanted to see who it was. Who could ask such an absurd question? But when he turned around and saw the people around him all had eyes on him, another wave of shuddering and convulsions in his stomach struck him.

He turned around to face the bin again and felt like dying. His eyes watered again and soon tears were falling down his cheeks. When the wave faded away, he only turned around. Sitting on the ground, he clasped his knees and brought them to his face, leaning his chin right in the middle, moving back and forth, and hitting his head on the wall.

"I can't do it," he sobbed, truthfully. When he met the eyes of the surrounding people, he shuddered again and his vision blackened. After that, he knew nothing.

***

"I can do it," Yang Shan said out loud, but his voice was completely spiritless. He sounded dead even to himself. Nobody would believe him if he said it in front of the team. 

But he already once said he would do it. He couldn't take it back now. 

Yang Shan rested his face on the cold window, and with a sigh, he closed his eyes. But he opened them immediately. He still couldn't do it. 

Even after such a long time. He could hear his own heartbeat as his breath got heavier. He slapped himself a few times with his shaky hands and calmed down his breathing.

Someone would say four years was enough to get away from his past. But not him. He was haunted every day when he closed his eyes. Every night, when he tried to fall asleep. It was haunting him even when he was outside and the sky darkened. When it got colder. 

Every time, something reminded him of that day.

And today was such a day. It was cold; the sky looked like weeping and melancholy was sitting in your bones. There was a knock on his door that jerked him away from his painful memories. 

"Hello," Yitian poked his head inside Shan's room and when he saw him standing by the enormous window, he frowned. 

"Should I go away? Am I disturbing you?" he asked carefully, but Shan shook his head and walked towards the two beanbags he had in his room. Showed Yitian to sit in one, while he let his body fall into the other one.

"Your mom was here again." Yang Shan winced. 

"I'm sorry," he said, shifting his position a bit and folding himself into the baby position again. It was the safest one. He felt at least a bit safe. 

"Don't be sorry. After what happened to you… I get her even more. She is scared." Yitian looked distant. They both sat there in awkward silence, only shifting around. 

"I don't know if I can do it," Shan mumbled into the silence, not knowing for whom it was. Whether he or Yitian. 

"I don't think we can leave you here…" Yitian said apologetically and Shanshan hugged himself even tighter. He started shaking, just slightly. But it was enough for Yitian to notice. 

"Breathe in deeply. How is the therapy going?" 

"Not very well. Slow. Better, but slow." Shanshan bit his upper lip and the room fell into awkward silence again. 

"What about believing in yourself for once?" That hurt. A lot. Shanshan nervously played with his cuticles. Until he bled. But even after that, he still kept going. His hands were shaking. 

"I can't," he said simply, and let his own hands hug him again. The pulsation of bleeding fingers made him feel alive. Yet, Yitian didn't look fazed by this behavior at all. 

"You have three days to decide. Your visa is done too. Dylan took care of it, so nobody else knows. But they would question why you are not going…" Yitian stood up and walked towards the door. He stopped with his hand on the handle and turned around. 

"Sometimes, it's better to face your demons than to run away…" he said and walked out of the room, leaving Shanshan there alone again. 

"It's easier if your demons don't haunt you in every part of your life."

He thought it got better. He was able to stand in front of people with other teammates. He wasn't jerking every time he heard a scream. But then, the date was getting closer. He was fearful once again. 

And he had to go back now? 

Go back to face his demons? Shanshan didn't know whether he could do it. And certainly, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it alone. 

"Mom, I'm going to South Korea with my team for a while," he said as soon as his mom picked up the call. The other side remained completely silent.. 

"I will never let you go back to that damn country. Not when I almost lost you because of them."