1 The End
He stood at the open threshold of the room. The room was dark and heavy laden.
He can still remember those times that he was happy and satisfied within this room. That the small voice of happiness was still there on his mind. Those happy times when only time between saying "hello" and "good bye" matters. But those days passed by already. They were not children anymore, but rather adults with great chips on their shoulders.
He crawled inside the room. A sudden rustling sound echoed from the side of the room. The bed room side. He saw a set of tea cups on the low table near the bed. He reached out to it and touched the cold porcelain glass. He turned two cups from the side and serve tea on each. One cup was reached out towards the other person, the other was kept to him self.
His eyes felt burdened from the past few days. It was crazy and fast days. One moment they were still together near the gate, smiling and holding each other. The next moment, he was set to be married. Not to him, no, but to other person who will bear children for him and the clan. How he wished he could say no to them. But they took his weakness as opportunity. And right now, they were on this mess.
He agreed because they said they will allow him to stay. They said, they will finally accept him once an heir was borne. What he didn't saw was how absurd those conditions are. Was he that desperate? Should he really do this sacrifice? Is this sacrifice enough? Is his reasoning really for "his" sake or is this a consolation for himself.
He used to dream of wearing deep red robes with the person he loved. Now that he is with that person, why is it that he cannot wear it properly. The golds are pretty and exquisite, but it was nothing but an immortalized jade for a funeral hall. He had a set dream. He was ready to set it all aside for him. But why this? Why now?
"You are serving the tea to the wrong person," a husky and faded voice said.
"I know," he replied with resignation, "but you have to understand. I am doing this for-"
"Not this again," the soft echo interrupted him. "I cannot bear this talk anymore."
"They arrived already. Let us have this talk." Silence. "Please?"
He never used "please" before so the sound rang differently on his ears. But words needs to be spoken.
"Have a talk? Yes. I should grateful for this last tribute with you." The whisper was soft but it was anything but grateful. The voice was so familiar but the tone was so foreign; like listening to the person underground through a small pipe. "Start talking then."
Silence...
...
...
...
...
Silence.
A whispered sneer could be heard. "This is the most 'talk' that we have in the past weeks. I should be honored with this."
Don't be honored! Say something! Defend me! Fight for us! Say you don't want this, my family be damned, I am going to set this whole place alight! Just say it! Say it...
He wanted to demand all of these. But how can he demand, if he was the first one who stopped fighting, stopped defending what they have. It felt so unreal, like a dream.
He wished this was a dream. That when he woke up, he was still here, in the same room, with the person on his side. Both of them at peace and satisfied from last nights intimacy. He wished it was just a nightmare, that he agreed to this façade of a wedding. He wished it was just a dream someone will wake him up soon with a soft touch and gentle and smiling voice. He wished that he was born as himself, that he was not born with this responsibility, that he was just a lowly ordinary disciple looking up from the yard and not looking down from a too high of a pedestal.
It was so unfair! But he made his choice. And no matter what he will stand on it. Unless... someone will ask him. Just ask him. One question is enough.
Shard eyes from the corner finally turned to him. He loved those eyes. Not the eyes, the multiple emotions being played in those eyes. An open eyes that is open for him to read.
He cannot say it. He cannot trust his voice. But he tried to convey everything through his eyes.
Please understand me. Please listen to the voice of my eyes. Say it! Just say, "Let us elope!" We will do it.
But those words never came. Worse, the words he don't want to hear was spoken so gently, awfully gently, to him.
"I am so tired. Just... just set me free."
At that moment, all his dreams, memories and wishes spiraled down into one point. On those shard, tired and piercing eyes. No more dream, no more wishes, no more hopes. All memories just a blur at the back of his mind.
And he felt very tired.
Very, very tired.
He just wanted to sleep and wake up again.
What are you waiting for? Fight for him! Don't let him go!
But, I did this to him first.
Fight? Are you stupid, there is nothing to fight here! Just be a good boy and follow those elders of yours.
But I love him...
So fight! Don't quit. There was still time.
But I am tired.
Yes... you are nothing but coward anyway.
But I can't leave him.
Think about your past, your present. How about your future?
But can I defend him?
You know what, you are just contradicting yourself. You're loosing it!
A sudden headache started from the middle of eyebrows. He wanted to run. To escape. Can he just run away from everything? It was too much for him. The stress, the fatigue, the events, the preparations, the meetings. It was too much for him. His heart cannot take it anymore.
"If you truly love me, then set me free from this pain."
That did it. His mind snapped into alignment. He made up his mind. But his mind was not clear. It is just like a switch was on and he was moving on autopilot.
He was waiting for request. Now he received it, what should he do? Deny it? He stood up shakily.
"I will have the preparation tomorrow. But, never doubt my love for you."
"If I doubted your love, I will not stay here for so long."
And that's it. He bowed to this person and softly said, "Please bear this small sacrifice. Tomorrow, I am going to rectify this matter."
The person looked up on him from the bed and asked, "When is tomorrow?"
That's it. He will got to the elders and stop this wedding. He will stop this now, no matter what the result. But his family. How about the family who raised him? Can he leave his family behind? How about his brothers and sisters who needs his guidance.
In the end, he cannot do it. In the end, he was still a coward. But tomorrow. Tomorrow is different.
With that resolution, he marched out the room. The man in the corner, crouched down, looking much smaller and more pitiful.
*****
It was evening when it was over. The wedding was over. Now, he is a married man to a beautiful wife. The wife only his family wanted, not him. He stayed and bore all the greetings. Smile when needed. Talk of necessary. Hold hands in public while keeping the pride of the clan. But all of these are fake. Nothing is real. It felt like a dream.
I am just dreaming, he was convincing himself. Nothing but a dream.
There was still an act this evening. But he cannot bear to do it with her. He was looking for a harder palms, thicker wrist. He longed to touch the wide jaw and thicker neck.
So he ran out of his wedding room, and rushed to his old room. He needed to meet him again. He needed this confirmation. Tomorrow, he made that promise.
The room was dark. There was no sign of any candle or light being kept. Was he sleeping. It doesn't matter. He needs to say this now. He cannot be coward again. What is the use of sacrifice if he was not with his beloved.
Quietly, he knocked on the door and waited. He knocked again and waited for any sign that the person behind the door was awakened. He knocked again he third time and called his name. Still too quiet.
He opened the door quietly so that he will surprise him. He looked inside but the darkness was too still. His heart beat faster. He took one fire talisman and set one candle alight. The room was empty. No one was on the bedroom, table or parlor. Everything was so neat and organize as if no one lived in the room but one person.
He fell on his knees with a heavy thud. His mind was running so fast, he cannot hold his weight anymore. On the bedside table was paper. On top of it was a silver hair clip. He reached out for the paper. He dragged the hair clip together with the paper and it fell with a loud clang on the floor. He opened the note. It only contained one sentence:
"Never promise your tomorrow if you cannot break free from your today."
His mind stopped working. On his lips were same words repeating over and over again.
*****
The elders and disciples were looking for him everywhere. The Third and Fourth elders knew that it was wrong to set this marriage in the first place. But the First and Second elders wanted to have this political marriage. They searched everywhere where he can go but he was not in any of those places. Could he be there? Most probably, yes.
When they opened the room, he found him there, seated on the floor head hanging low. On his lips where the same words repeated.
They made a mistake.
