12 Entry Twelve

Oct 7, 2015

Today felt all too normal for me. Every bruise, every slap, and every single hit.

After so long, we finally had a "family session” again. I didn’t mean to, but I failed my tests this week. I’ve been really busy with the wedding, and haven’t been able to concentrate on my exams. I know I should’ve still found time.

I know everything that just happened was my fault and no one else’s. That’s also why I didn’t fight back or cry.

I knew this would happen again. I didn’t even doubt it. Every single part of my body has cuts and bruises now, except for my face. They didn’t want Gared to see it. The wedding was coming up, and they didn’t want him to be disgusted. I admit I am disgusting, so I understand why.

Even after our session, I still had to continue my chores and wedding plans, so I did. The first thing I did was continue reading the bible, as the pastor instructed, it felt wrong not to. So today I read the book of Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11. It said that the Lord had plans for everyone and that His plans for us were to prosper and not suffer. I wonder if that’s true.

Is there actually someone out there looking out for everyone’s well-being? A certain entity that cares about everyone? I’ve been reading the bible every day since my first meeting with the pastor, and it feels like a new world that’s never been explored before. It made me start to think about the possibility that I might not be as happy as I thought I was.

If everything written on it is true, maybe there could be a better life out there for me.

While treating my wounds earlier, Mr. Taylor mentioned that it was my fault for failing, getting a C or B, is never an option. But, what if I wasn’t at fault? What if there was someone who wouldn’t punish me for a failed grade? What if I could be happy outside of this “home”? I wonder if that would change anything.

Wait, what am I even thinking? I was prospering enough. I’m not suffering. Everything is still as they were before, nothing has changed over the years and there was no need for a change.

I might just be thinking too much because I’ve been reading about lives that the Lord has helped before. It was all just a story though, wasn’t it?